Joke of the Day: Friends

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’ so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill.

I’ve sent him a Get Well Soon card.

I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective…

We call him Sherlock Ohms.

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said “No”.

I said to my friend, “My wife keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?” #

I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!

In the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill..

Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning…

I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake ?”

I replied “Not you as well !!”

My mate has a new girlfriend who works as a bin lady.

The trouble is he can never remember if he’s taking her out on a Wednesday or a Thursday…

On my tombstone I want it to say:

“I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends”

A dermatologist friend of mine started his career from scratch.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Penny.” I said, introducing my daughter.

“And what’s Penny short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only four”

My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.

He’s got back issues.

My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

I’m off cheese hunting at the weekend, it’s going to be great.

Just me and my friend, shooting the bries…

My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…

I told him to calm down and not to fret.

I visited my new friend in his apartment.

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out.

I hate visitors.

My friend said I couldn’t make up any puns about Cuba.

I said, “You’re Havana laugh mate!”

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

My friend has lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on his head.

It’s a new loaf hat diet he’s trying.

My friend got a pet beaver and has called him Clint.

Clint Eatswood.

Yesterday one of my best friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

My friends were amazed when I told them I can predict the future using herbs.

“Is it true?” they asked.

“Only thyme will tell”, I replied.

I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend more often lately…

It means a lot to him.

My friend Joe recently went on the ‘Dolly Parton diet.’

It really made Joe lean…

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

People are sometimes curious enough to become Facebook friends for a clandestine look at someone else’s boredom.

A friend of mine has just graduated from ballet school with a 2:2.

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

My friend Jack Hughes just got a job as a prosecutor in France…

One of my friends is a really stubborn hardcore raver.

She keeps trying to make me rave with her!

She won’t techno for an answer.

A friend of mine thinks the story of how he got an orthopaedic shoe is hilarious but I think he’s built it up too much.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat!

In the end, he came around.

The three things I’m grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn’t complain.

I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day…

I said, “you disgust me.”

“Yes, we did.” they replied.

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he’d still be alive today.

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer.

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel.

I told him to steer clear.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

I have a friend that sells second-hand mountaineering equipment…

It’s money for old rope.

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning.

I can’t believe Gaviscon.

All my friends keep saying that my new wife is imaginary…

Joke’s on them, so are they!

Elton John wanted to send his friends an invite to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn’t find the right phrase…

Soiree seems to be the hardest word.

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.

My money’s on Dave.

My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t do a butterfly impression…

I thought, ‘that’s got to be worth a little flutter’…

People saying “BOO!!!” to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year…

That’s a frightening statistic.

My friend has written a book about equine dentistry. I asked him how he found his information and he told me it was straight from the horses mouth…

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat. In the end, he came around.

A friend asked me to re-turf a field so that they could carry out a civil war re-enactment…

I thought “Sod that for a game of soldiers!”

Last year I got booed by my family and friends because the fireworks I lit went off in the wrong sequence…

Bang out of order.

My imaginary friend is staying this weekend.

I’ve made his bed up.

A friend of mine used to live in a lake filled with ducks but he moved out when he got fed up with all the bills.

A friend passed his degree in sound engineering.

He got a 1-2-1-2.

A friend of mine got a job as a bus driver because he was so good at telling people where to get off.

Got my friend a cake in the shape of pac man.

At least that’s what I told him when he saw what it looked like…

Friend of mine lost his job as a courier driver.

He just wasn’t delivering the goods.

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman.  

With him, the glass was always half empty.

A friend of mine got a job as a judge for a mime talent contest.

It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.

A friend of mine is a carpet fitter.

Walter Wall.

My friend worked in a circus who did a human cannonball act.

Never replaced him when he retired, couldn’t find anyone else of the same calibre.

An economist friend told me to put something away for a rainy day. 

I’ve gone for an umbrella.

Friend of mine keeps setting fire to her mortgage statements.

Bernadette.

A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.

He passed with flying colours.

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.

Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

My friend told me he’s really bored with his job as a sewer inspector.

He said he feels like he’s just going through the motions…

A friend of mine keeps getting tweets offering him cans of chopped ham and pork.

I’ve told him that it’s just spam.

I was arguing with a friend in Pizza Hut the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table, and ran off.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

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