I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do.
And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.
Went to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night.
Was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was mayhem.
I’m planning on taking The Manic Street Preachers for a tour of Norfolk market towns and all being well, rural areas north west of London…
If they tolerate Diss then the Chilterns will be next…
My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!
We’re going though a bit of a Rocky patch…
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
I asked the children at school what they knew about the astronomer Galileo…
According to one lad….. ‘He was just a poor boy from a poor family’…..
Just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records!
Now I want to break three.
I’ve just joined a new band, we’re called ‘Cat’s Eyes’…
We just play middle of the road stuff.
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term, “One Hit Wonder”…came up with any other phrases.
I used to be in a band called ‘The Palindromes’.
Our first single was “If I Had A Hi Fi”.
I’ve been farting classic Mike Oldfield tunes all week.
Doctor said I have tubular bowels…
My wife just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.
I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time…”
People thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest…
Once formed a band called the Sewing Machines..
Didn’t work out.. couldn’t get a Singer …
I’m putting back together my band called ‘Bubble Wrap’.
All we do is pop…
I wasn’t expecting the pizza delivery guy to turn up tonight wearing a Gloria Gaynor face mask!
At first I was afraid…
Neil Diamond makes the same healthy smoothie every morning…
Swede, carrots, lime…
I saw Sinead O’Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday.
I asked her what kind of activity she’d seen…
She replied “It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays….”
My dad, my mum and myself have always had two obsessions; collecting fungi seeds and the Queen song ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.
I’m just a spore boy from a spore family…
I was once in a band called ‘The Radiators’, we were a warm up act.
When I was younger I got ‘Madness’ and ‘The Specials’ tattooed on my arm.
I wanted to get them removed but I think it will leave a ska.
I’ve taught my dog to bark along to ‘Sweet Caroline’.
He’s a bit of a ruff Diamond…
So I went for a walk and suddenly this guy jumps out in front of me with a snake.
He was playing music and the snake started dancing.
I thought “Well, that’s charming!”
My mate failed his aboriginal music exam.
I asked him, “Did you redo it?”
Elton John has announced his decision to never again wear standard blue denim trousers…
Goodbye normal jeans…
Meatloaf got married to an accountant.
She’ll do anything for love but she won’t do VAT…
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Don’t use boomerangs as drumsticks, or there will be re-percussions!
My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…
I told him to calm down and not to fret.
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground…
We went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour.
I’ve got an annoying habit of quoting Elton John lyrics.
I hope you don’t mind. I hope you don’t mind.
I once went for a job interview to be the 4th band member of A-Ha but they refused to take on me…
People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now…
Just seen Elvis in B&Q. Returned a sander.
When I was a single man, I had loads of free time.
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
If you suck at playing trumpet…
That’s probably why.
Black Eyed peas can sing us a song but chick peas can only hummus one.
I once spoke to Bill Withers to tell him ‘Ain’t no sunshine…’ was bad grammar.
He said ‘I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know….’
First rule of ‘Rick Astley Fight Club’;
You know the rules and so do I…
My wife asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe!
I’ve invented a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm .Instead of just beeping it goes, Whooooooooooooooooooohhhoooooooooooa your house is on fire.
I buy all my classical music CDs through the mail and delivered in a padded envelope…
Bach in a jiffy.
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection…
‘All you need is love’ – Lennon/McCartney
‘Love is all you need’ – Yoda
I’ve just started the Adam Ant diet.
Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever…
I used to work in a book shop and I was asked for a copy of ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’.
The customer said; “Can you wrap it?”
I’ll give it a go sir… 🎶It was da best o’ times, it was da worst o’ times…🎶
I always keep my guitar in the car now. It’s good for traffic jams.
I had pancakes at Meatloaf’s house once but they tasted really awful.
Like a batter out of hell…
I’m on my way to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan due to some damage caused by the strong winds…
Awning has broken.
I’ve just joined a brass band, I keep borrowing everybody else’s instruments though.
I’ve never been one to blow my own trumpet…
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
“I went to a karaoke bar in South East Asia once…”
“Singapore?”
“Yeah, they were all rubbish.”
I recently went to a seance hosted by Neil Diamond…
Hands, touching hands, reaching out…
I used to be a big Robbie Williams fan but that all changed when I started to study geometry and found that more interesting.
I’m loving angles instead…
I once bought an Elvis record at the market called ‘Wooden Leg’.
I said to the man ‘I thought it was called ‘Wooden Heart’ ?’
He said ‘Yes, but this is a pirate copy…’
I bet Rick Astley really struggles with lent…
I’ve written a song about getting my front door lock replaced.
There’s a lovely key change at the end…
I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits, and Elves…
It was Mordor on the dancefloor…
I downloaded a playlist called “Latin MIX” which turned out to be 1,009 songs from Ancient Rome…
Jon Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruitarian diet.
He’s living on a pear…
I told my wife that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé.
She said; “Whatever floats your boat”
I replied “No – that’s buoyancy”
Worried about someone trying to steal my xylophone.
I’ve taken percussions.
90s dance group D:Ream have recruited a new percussionist to play the triangle for them.
Tings can only get better…
Interviewer: “What do you consider one of your best strengths?”
Me: “I can perform under pressure.”Interviewer:
“That’s fantastic! Can you give me an example?”
Me: “Sure.(clears throat..).. mm ba ba deUm bum ba deUm bu bu bum da dePrrressure pushing down on me..”
My friend Joe recently went on the ‘Dolly Parton diet.’
It really made Joe lean…
Last year Sir Paul McCartney was disqualified from The London Marathon.
He was banned on the run…
Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…
He has a history of violins…
I started composing a song for Spandau Ballet, but then I found it hard to write the next line.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town.
“Shall we go for a coffee ?”
“Yes, sounds good!”
“Ok then, Starbucks ?”
“No”
“Costa ?”
“No!!!”…
I think she was holding out for a Nero…
Legend has it that Fred Astaire opened the oven door once and his treacle sponge exploded…
He had pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails…
Just seen a bloke who looked like Sting in the red light district in Amsterdam…
He was getting a massage in a brothel.
I used to be a DJ at Stonehenge and Avebury but I no longer mix in those circles…
No-one seems to kidnap cheesy 90s pop groups anymore…
I’ve taken Steps to rectify this…
I’ve been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal..
Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?
You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury compensation.
For her birthday my wife wanted tickets for a cruise to Denmark to see The Temptations…
But instead I drove to Primark to get her four tops.
For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap.
Drum roll please.
I told my therapist that I kept dreaming about John Lennon.
She said “you’re not the only one”.
I would like to put on record my appreciation for those who who play the triangle in orchestras.
Thanks for every ting.
Went to an ABBA theme pub last night.
The toilets were amazing…
What a loo!
At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away.
A whim away. A whim away….
The kid next door has an imaginary drum kit.
Can’t beat that!
One of my friends is a really stubborn hardcore raver.
She keeps trying to make me rave with her!
She won’t techno for an answer.
I was watching the ‘Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra’ last night and halfway through the bloke on the triangle disappeared…
My neighbours are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
BREAKING NEWS!
Elton John’s E-reader device has been blown away by a tropical storm.
Like a Kindle in the wind.
Bono phoned me the other day to invite me out for dinner in London.
He said ‘I fancy Chinese, where do you recommend ?’
I replied ‘Chinatown is good, it’s where the streets have chow mein…’
A guy I know called Paul Young was accused of allegedly shoplifting from the butchers several times in one week.
The butcher said to him ‘every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you…’
My wife said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!
I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.
I’ve been banned from our local petrol station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo…
I won’t get fuelled again.
Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.
It’s a little fit bunny
My wife has decided to transform herself into a giant bumblebee.
At first I told myself it wouldn’t make any difference and I would stay.
Then I saw her face…
I hate it when I’m singing to a song on the radio and the artist gets the lyrics wrong!
I think I’ve been making Motown puns for about three years, four tops…
Here’s a picture of me with REM.
That’s me in the corner.
Growing up my parents played Madness and The Specials constantly every day…
Ska’d me for life.
If you play an Ed Sheeran song backwards you’ll hear a message from Satan.
Worse still, if you play it forwards you’ll hear Ed Sheeran.
I’m fed up with my mates, three times now they’ve agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me & then not showed up.
Here I go again on my own!
I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician.
He keeps slamming The Doors.
Went to the classical music record shop today but it was shut…
The sign said; “Gone Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”
The band 10cc have booked a vacation touring around Scottish lakes, however they are not looking forward to it…
They dread loch holidays.
What do you call a dead musician?
A decomposer.
My wife just hit me with musical instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history of violins.
I just read that Rod Stewart has five drinks of tea a day, all of varying sizes.
The first cup is the deepest…
My wife is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu songs…
She makes me want to shout…
I’ve just opened an ‘Elvis Presley themed’ steak house.
It’s aimed at people who love meat tender…
I’m doing an online DJ set for a Devon & Cornwall radio station playing 60’s and 70’s hits.
I can’t decide whether to play The Jam or Cream first though…
Remember the singer Yazz? She now works as an elevator attendant.
She’s not very good at it…
One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…
Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.
The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…
After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”
She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.
I recently attended a concert in Hawaii to celebrate the career of the woman who sang “Shout!”.
I went to honour Lulu…
Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?
Because he’s a rocket man!
Any guy who plays heavy metal at work…
Is office rocker.
Frank Sinatra was once asked if he ever kept herons as pets…
“Egrets? I’ve had a few…” he replied.
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police haven’t got a lead.
I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup…
Imagine that!
To do is to be. (Descartes).
To be is to do. (Voltaire).
Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra).
Fun Fact!
Jungle music was actually discovered in the jungle in 1843 by explorer Sir Phillip Drummond-Bass…
Years ago I went on a picnic with Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.
It started with a quiche…
During his time in the army, Bob Marley always polished his boots quietly with no one else about…
He was a buff alone soldier.
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you’ll get a “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis.”
Paul McCartney wrote a book in the 60s about Indian yoghurt based dips.
Paperback raita.
I used to be in an 80s band called ‘The Prevention’.
We were better than The Cure.
I asked Sinead O’Connor which evergreen conifer tree she would recommend.
She said nothing compares to yew…
I have to confess, I really enjoy my terrible habit for making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’…
It truly is my ideal vice…
If I had to rate 60s pop artists on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give Dave Clark five…
What do you call a Welsh singer who never gets lost?
Tomtom Jones.
We’ve got a bird of prey that only dances to 80s music at night… Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
Elton John wanted to send his friends an invite to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn’t find the right phrase…
Soiree seems to be the hardest word.
Shania Twain has been boasting online about her new Subaru.
That don’t Impreza me much…
I need to get insurance for my 1970’s disco record collection…
I’m taking out an Earth, Wind and Fire and Theft policy…
Stallone: I’m making a movie about classical composers. I’ll be Chopin.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I’ve just joined a new band, we’re called ‘Cat’s Eyes’…
We just play middle of the road stuff.
I’ve got a job organising opera singers within my local region…
I’m the aria manager.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to dis a Brie ?
How much does a grand piano cost?
£1,000.00
I would like to congratulate my niece on passing her mouth organ music exam.
Well done our Monica.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’.
You probably saw our posters.
I had a vinyl album called “Wasp Noises”, but when I played the first track it didn’t sound like a wasp and the second track didn’t sound like a wasp either…
Then I realised I was playing the B side…
I was in a band once called Teenager’s Bed.
Never made it.
Now we are into November, I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.
Is this the winter of my disco tent?
‘I used to play a musical instrument on cruise ships’.
‘Piano ?’
‘No, Cunard’…
We went for a Chinese meal last night but I ordered from the specials board and got too much foo yung…
I’ve been appointed Gary Barlow’s personal chiropractor on a lifetime contract!
I’ve got his back for good!
I was going to say something on Twitter about soul singer Gladys Knight but one of her backing singers got there just before me…
I got pipped to the post.
Everyone was entertained when Lionel Ritchie took his performing cat to Sea World.
What a feline, dancing on the sea lion…
I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…
Oh well, I guess things can only improve.
I went to a ‘Dire Straits themed cafe’ yesterday, the menu was confusing – they wanted money for muffins but the chips were free…
I was walking past a pet shop.
A sign on the shop front said ; ‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’
I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant…
‘How Dutch is that moggie in the window?
Sting has launched an aromatherapy range.
It’s a massage in a bottle.
A friend passed his degree in sound engineering.
He got a 1-2-1-2.
I lost my job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.
I was always giving rave reviews.
And for our next band, would you please welcome the bailiffs.
Take it away boys.
My wife has insisted that I cease making puns about classic Motown hits or she will leave me.
I agreed to stop, in the name of love.
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