I’m tired of following my dreams.
I’m just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
A magician was driving down the street and then he turned into a driveway.
“I once played golf with the actors from The A-Team but we only managed 17 holes…”
“Missed a tee?”
“Yeah, he was there of course.”
My Wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant celebrity name dropping…
David Beckham warned me that this might happen.
“Doctor, can you hurry up and help me, I’m shrinking!”
“Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient…”
I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.
It would have been much easier if I’d just written it on paper…
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together,
but only one of them knows.
My mate Jim Apple gets a lot of grief when people ask who he is in France.
I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many personal questions.
Like, “Whose blood is this”, and, “Where did you get it?”
What do you call Elvis sitting on a chair?
I couldn’t undo the buttons on my sweater so I tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck.
I’m at the hospital now, waiting to see a cardyologist.
How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen shots.
The other day, I rang the Speaking Clock.
It said, “what’s the matter, can’t you afford a watch?”
“Are you too lazy to lift your arm up you idiot?… “
It was Greenwich Mean Time.
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
What do you call a mortician that steals dead people’s underwear?
My wife asked me “What is a unit of power?”
I replied “correct”.
I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once.
It’s a four loaf cleaver.
What’s an acorn?
In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)