Joke of the Day: Wednesday’s bottomless bucket of jokes

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.

In another 3027 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Never shout into a colander.

It’ll strain your voice.

I took my driving test last week, the examiner was called Mr Gandalf…

I thought I did OK but he wouldn’t let me pass…

My bedside light has turned into a butterfly…

I didn’t know it was a larva lamp.

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.

An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats…..

I was up in the attic recently and found my granddad’s old wig-weaving machine.

It’s a family hair loom.

I once made a submarine out of polystyrene.

It didn’t go down very well.

[Interview]

“What are your strengths?”

Me: I fall in love easily.

“OK…what are your weaknesses?”

Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

How do you wash a pod of dolphins?

You use multi-porpoise cleaner.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Today I went to the toilet without my phone.

There’s 178 tiles in the bathroom.

I ate at the Mary Poppins Restaurant last night.

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

I’ve just spotted my ex-girlfriend standing on the other side of the museum.

I’m not going to go and say hi though.

There’s too much history between us.

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

If someone wants to say the word “motel” backwards…

Just letom.

Just read a book on the psychology of camping.

It was in tents.

I watched a movie last night where Patrick Swayze teaches a girl how to type on a keyboard.

QWERTY Dancing.

I baked a giant chocolate eclair yesterday but couldn’t finish it.

I’d bitten off more than I could choux.

When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record.

It was his vinyl request.

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