Joke of the Day: Sunday’s saucer of saucy sardine secretions

I just changed my computer login password to ‘Alcatraz’ and now the ‘Esc’ button won’t work?

My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.

Now I’m feeling cannelloni…

Gandalf came into my shop and asked “Do I get any money off for having this big stick?”

I said, “No I’m sorry, we don’t do staff discounts…”

A large oil company has announced that it is going to start producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it’s BP.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.

I love felt tips.

Farmer: I love my job.

Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.

Farmer: What did you say to me?

Wife: You herd.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said

‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again.’

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’

And I said ‘I careered off the road.

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.

This is their current induction process.

I read a horror story in braille, I could feel something bad was about to happen, but I didn’t see it coming at all.

My wife declared, “Bedcovers and duvets should only go on beds. All afghans need to be made of wool. Quilts are always made by grandmas. And all rugs belong on the floor.”

I told her she was making blanket statements.

Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?

I made myself a sandwich earlier.

My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean

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