Went for a check-up and asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life?”
He replied, “I’m not sure, Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
I said, “I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!”
He replied, “Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.”
I once went for a job interview to be the 4th band member of A-Ha but they refused to take on me…
My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?
I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour’s kids do is scream.
I’m seriously considering giving them back.
The Beach Boys walk into a bar…..
‘Round?’
‘Round?’
‘Get a round’
‘I get a round?’
‘Get a round…..
Why isn’t the Discovery Channel on a different channel every day?
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented…
Most crows drank at home.
Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.”
Me: “No wait! I can explain everything!”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters!
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.
I said to my boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
My boss replied, “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”
I said, “Okay, I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
In college, I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
The DFS sale has been going on for so long that even Charles Dickens wrote a story about the time he went there.
The Tale of Two Settees.
When I die I want to be buried with my record collection.
It’ll be my vinyl resting place…
Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The sales asks, “Is your dad home?”
The kid replies, “What do you think?”
My wife said she’s going to leave me in the morning because I’m obsessed with Wham!
I said, “Wake me up before you go go!”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay…
You have my Word!
What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?
Kilometery Cyrus.
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can’t wait to rub it in.
My wife and I were up all night arguing about whose turn it was to do the laundry.
At 2 am, I folded.
I recently bumped into the man who sold me my antique globe.
It’s a small world.
My friend said he’d seen another guy put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
I said I didn’t believe him.
Nobody’s got arms that long.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
The Sage Page 
Our Karma restaurant serves just desserts.
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Love it Geoff!
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Nothing to do with today’s jokes, but I was having lunch in the Mittagong* RSL Club yesterday and there was an old guy at the next table who was an identical twin to your avatar. Spookily so.
* Mittagong is an old town founded on small deposits of coal and iron in yhe early 19th century. In our Southern Highlands about 109km south of Sydney.. It’s home to a couple of thousand residents and two awesome plant nurseries.
RSL = Returned Services League – formed to support and commemorate Australian and New Zealand soldiers, sailors and aircrew and now grown to be general community support organisations funded by the two arts in which Australians excel – drinking and gambling.
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I am like Putin, I have several dopplegangers! Check out my poetry to see a selection of them … https://the-sage-page.com/poetry-the-adventures-of-the-sage/
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