Opened a tin of paint and found model figures of King Arthur, Lancelot, and Sir Galahad floating in it.
The knights in white satin.
I’m appearing in a film being made about Greggs the Bakers.
I’ll be playing a small roll.
I thought it would be easy to balance a bucket of Tippex on my head…
I stand corrected…
The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?’
I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
Next year I’m going to give up using spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.
It’ll be Excel Lent.
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
What kind of fish is made from just two sodium atoms?
2 Na.
I’ve started a business where I weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small-scale operation.
I had a game of quiet tennis today.
It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket.
I’ve written a joke about Elton John.
It’s a little bit funny.
I just drank some WKD with ice in it.
It was wicked.
People tell me that my grammar stinks…
What do they expect?
She’s 98.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has passed away.
His funeral will take pla
My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.
Well, she’s in for a shock.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait, I typed that wrong…
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Why is manslaughter a crime?
Are men not allowed to laugh?
There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19.
His name was Constant Teen.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
The Sage Page 
These are all funny, Andrew. I was going to choose the first one about knights in white satin. Then, I read the one about the iPhone battery, which was hilarious and made me laugh, which is appreciated as I’ve got an awful lot of pain to deal with at the moment.
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Sorry to hear about your pain! Are you feeling any better now?
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Thank you very much for asking how I am, Andrew. Unfortunately, I am no better; in fact, the pain is worse. I had a bit of a botched tooth extraction, which damaged a nerve, leaving me with a partly numb chin and lips but also left me in real agony. I’ve been on two lots of antibiotics and three lots of strong painkillers, which don’t even touch the pain. I’m currently waiting for my doctor to call me back. I’m really hoping that she can, perhaps, give me a stronger painkiller or, perhaps, something I could take alongside the current drug. I went back to the dentist yesterday, only to be told that the pain could take months to ease and that the numbness may never go. As you can imagine, I am feeling very upset about this 😔.
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So sorry to hear you news Ellie. Have you tried hypnosis for pain relief? I can send you a link to a couple of my tracks if you would like to give it a go?
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Thank you, Andrew. It’s all pretty grim here at the moment. I haven’t tried self-hypnosis. I think because I am taking such strong painkillers, I doubt if anything else would work. However, if I can get off of this high level of painkillers (Gabapentin), it might be helpful to have the hypnosis link then. Thank you very much for caring. I hope you are well.
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I was a hypnotherapist for 10 years and I used to work in a dental surgery with patients who needed treatment but who were scared of needles! I do feel for you. Oral pain is terrible. I am well thank you and am hoping that you have a speedy resolution.
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How interesting that you were a hypnotherapist for ten years. Also, strange that you worked in a dental surgery. I agree, oral pain is awful, and nothing I can take is helping. I took my usual dose this morning, but it’s made me sleepy and off-balance (which is dangerous if I fall as I have severe osteoporosis). It’s making my hands shake, which is so upsetting because it’s making writing and typing so difficult as I make so many mistakes and I’m so slow where I used to be a fast typist many years ago. It’s also affecting my memory, which is really distressing. I just don’t know what to do and am at my wit’s end. I wonder if I could take you up on your offer of self-hypnosis instructions, please. It’s definitely worth giving it a go, as everything else is failing. I would be very grateful if you could please get this to me. Thank you. X
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Hi Ellie, here is a relaxation track to try first. Listen in a low light environment with headphones, seated or reclined.
https://assuredeffects.bandcamp.com/track/unwind
Stream it or download it for free.
Let me how you get on with it. If you find it relaxing I will give you a link to a pain control track.
Andrew x
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Thank you very much, Andrew. I will give it a go and let you know how I get on. X
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Hello, Andrew. I really liked the relaxation track and would appreciate you sending me the pain control one, please. You could either leave a link here, or, better still, send it to my email address at ellie,thompsonwp@yahoo.com. Many thanks. Hope you are having a good day. I’m still in a lot of pain despite the painkillers that give me awful side effects. Xx ✨
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first of all sincere apologies for taking so long to get back to you, I have been away for the last few days without my PC. I’ve now mailed you! x
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Don’t worry, Andrew, I understand perfectly. I think I would be climbing the walls if I had to be without my laptop! I hope you had a good break. I have read your email and thank you so much for the pain control track. I will listen to it later and hoping it will help a bit. Thanks again for that. I appreciate it. X
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A very mirthful field today your sagacity. I loved the battery guy joke in particular.
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