Hilarious Girlfriend Jokes for Fun and Laughter

Welcome to Girlfriend Giggles, your ultimate destination for light-hearted and cheeky girlfriend jokes! Whether you’re looking to share a laugh with your partner, or just need a pick-me-up, our collection of jokes is guaranteed to bring a smile to your face. From playful quips to witty one-liners, we’ve got something for every sense of humour. So sit back, relax, and enjoy some good-natured fun!

My girlfriend claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.

I’m not buying it.

My girlfriend’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.

I love felt tips.

My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.

It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.

I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are…

But I laugh more.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge. It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my mom’s.”

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, and the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

Just at the airport with my girlfriend, I said “I wish I’d brought the coffee table with us.”

“Why is that?” she asked…

“The passports are on it…”

My girlfriend asked, “Do you know any tennis puns?”

I said, “No, they’re not really my forte love”.

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on the way back in.

My girlfriend still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

My girlfriend told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore…

My girlfriend and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.

We clicked straight away.

I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”

He said, “Are you mad at her?”

I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”

My girlfriend accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

My girlfriend just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.

I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time…”

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

My girlfriend just left me because of my obsession with cricket.

It’s really hit me for 6.

My girlfriend has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don’t worry…I’ll return.

Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective!, I think we should split up”.

Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way”

Throughout our relationship, my girlfriend has always stood by my side.

She had to.

We’ve only got one chair.

My girlfriend said to me “There’s 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!”

I said “Well that’s 15, love…”

My girlfriend is leaving me because I don’t believe in her tarot readings…

To be fair it’s been on the cards for a while.

I was having an argument with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know?

She’s just a stinky poo face…

I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in.

It means the world to her.

My girlfriend said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right.

I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend in 3 weeks.

I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I relabeled all the jars in my girlfriend’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…

My girlfriend is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

I was going to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potters godfather.

But my girlfriend said “You can’t be Sirius”

I asked my girlfriend to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on the skeleton.

My girlfriend just said to me “What rhymes with orange”

I said “No it doesn’t”

My girlfriend is saying she’ll divorce me because I was obsessed with television dramas.

But will she leave me?

Find out next week…

My girlfriend’s a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right!

I’ve stuck with her though, through thick and thin.

Why did my girlfriend cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago!

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’

I said ‘Is that your final answer?’

My girlfriend said she will leave me.

She said I was too passive, and didn’t stand up for myself enough.

I can’t really argue with that.

My girlfriend broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler.

All I can think about is how to win her back.

My girlfriend just texted me to say she’s made a Voodoo doll of me.

I think she’s pulling my leg.

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?”

My girlfriend just called me lazy!!

Really unfair, it took me over an hour to take the Christmas tree down this morning…

My girlfriend says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the dry side.

It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

My girlfriend said I was annoying her with all my puns about trees.

I said; “Ah, that old chestnut…”

I told my girlfriend I was opening a theatre.

She said, ‘Are you having me on?’

I said, ‘I’ll give you an audition but I’m not promising anything.’

The girlfriend just threw six cricket balls at me…

“What’s up ?” I asked.

“It’s over” she replied.

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.

I said maybe!

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.

I wish he would stop taking sides!

My girlfriend gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I’ve added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria than ever.

Last night I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Playboy waitress.

She’s not a happy bunny!

My girlfriend asked me, “Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard last night?”

“No, don’t be silly” I replied, “I ate it on the sofa.”

When my girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

My girlfriend asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list…

Now I can’t read anything.

My girlfriend got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it’s all water under the fridge.

The dog is barking at the backdoor and the girlfriend is yelling at the front door.

Who do you let in first?..

The dog, because he’ll shut up when he comes in.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I’m over-competitive.”

Not if I leave you first!” I shouted as I raced her to the front door.

My girlfriend kept going on and on about what we should use the empty drawer for.

Eventually, I told her to put a sock in it.

My girlfriend has said she’s leaving me because I’ve put CCTV all around the flat.

I can see where she’s coming from.

My girlfriend told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

I asked my girlfriend “So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?”

And you know what she said?

“Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!”

My girlfriend is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession.

I’d better fetch the suitcase from the van.

When I told my girlfriend I was looking at flights on the internet, she got very excited!

Which was odd as she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

Since the snow came all my girlfriend has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

My girlfriend said to me “I bet you can’t make a pun about a flower?”

But I rose to the challenge…

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

My girlfriend kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’d never met to secure an alliance with the French.

I told my girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.

She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

My girlfriend left me for an electrician.

He promised her the earth…

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

My girlfriend text messaged me with one word: “Earth.”

It meant the world to me.

My girlfriend keeps empty margarine tubs and just leaves them lying around…

I can’t believe it’s not clutter.

My girlfriend has just left me due to my love of horse racing.

She’s at the gate….and she’s off!

My girlfriend said, “There was someone knocking on the door, with a beard earlier!”

I said, “No wonder I couldn’t hear him!”

My girlfriend asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

My girlfriend told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her “I think you mean fewer”

I told my girlfriend that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé.

She said; “Whatever floats your boat”

I replied “No – that’s buoyancy”

My girlfriend just told me to grow up.

I’m speechless!!

To be fair though, it’s pretty hard to say anything with 37 gummy bears in your mouth

My girlfriend has just fell over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes.

I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now…

My girlfriend says she’ll leave me if I keep making marine animal puns…

I said “I don’t do it on porpoise.”

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

My girlfriend has accused me of not having any empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

My girlfriend and I are both tightrope walkers.

We met online…

My girlfriend insists she could see the face of Jesus in our tub of margarine…

I said “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha…”

At first my girlfriend hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it….

Eventually she came around.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…

I told her to close the door five times on her way out!

My girlfriend asked me if I would change our 1 month old son.

I told her I liked the one we have.

I’ve just bought a house with period features…

My girlfriend really hates that nickname.

My girlfriend has started her own business reading Tarot cards.

She’s making a fortune.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated for her birthday.

So I painted her with Cuprinol.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time

My girlfriend is a hoarder and refuses to throw out her old magazine collection.

She has a lot of issues.

Girlfriend: What do think you’re playing at coming home half drunk??!

Me: I ran out of money.

I had a vasectomy so my girlfriend didn’t get pregnant.

All it did though was change the colour of the baby….

The first time I had sex it was in my parent’s bedroom.

My girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”

I said, “Just ignore them.”

I said to my girlfriend, “I need to call the doctor today.”

She said, “Which doctor?”

I said, “No, the regular kind.”

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with astrology.

I guess I should have seen the signs..

My girlfriend is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

My girlfriend told me that I’m “not cut out to be a mime”.

“Was it something I said?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

My girlfriend said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!

I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she had ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

My girlfriend has decided to transform herself into a giant bumblebee.

At first I told myself it wouldn’t make any difference and I would stay.

Then I saw her face…

My girlfriend said if I didn’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she would leave me.

It put me in a very difficult position

I thought my girlfriend was happy to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

The girlfriend has just come home from the shops in a Gloria Gaynor face mask…

At first, I was afraid…

My girlfriend was making fun of me because I always order the worst drink.

It was a cheap shot.

I gave my girlfriend a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.

Well, I did promise her the earth…

My girlfriend borrowed £100 from me.

When we separated 3 years later, she returned exactly £100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

My girlfriend is kicking me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns…

‘OK,’ I said, ‘Alpaca my bags.’

My girlfriend likes it when I blow cold air on her when she’s too hot.

Personally I’m not a fan…

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”

Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me.

I met my girlfriend at an Arthritis support meeting.

You know when two people just click.

My girlfriend just hit me with musical instruments.

I didn’t know she had a history of violins.

I asked my girlfriend to pick 6 stems of asparagus from the garden.

She came back with 7.

The last one is just a spare I guess.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend’s inhaler…

The neighbours think I’m a stud when they hear her panting heavily “Give it to me!”

Me and the girlfriend bought a waterbed to spice up our love life.

It doesn’t work though!

We’ve drifted further apart.

When I told my girlfriend I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.

Then I saw the grenade in her hand!

My girlfriend told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday…

I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’ when I give it to her later…

My girlfriend is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu songs…

She makes me want to shout…

My girlfriend told me that she used to be Christian.

“That’s not a problem,” I told her.

“Thanks, I’m much happier being a Christine now,” she replied.

For her birthday, I took my girlfriend to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently…

I was buying my girlfriend some underwear, I asked the shop assistant; “Are these knickers satin?”

“No” she said, “They’re brand new…”

I took my girlfriend to the hall of mirrors at the funfair last night.

“Look at your funny-shaped face and big bum!!” she laughed.

I’m glad she enjoyed it but we were still in the car at this point…

After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My girlfriend has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”

She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.

My girlfriend accused me of having OCD.. I soon put her in her place.

My girlfriend asked me, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with goats.

Meh.

At first, my girlfriend didn’t want to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed her mind.

I was really struggling to get my girlfriend’s attention….

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.

That did the trick.

I think my girlfriend is putting glue on my antique weapons collection…

She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!

My girlfriend bet me I couldn’t do a butterfly impression.

I thought to myself, that’s got to be worth a little flutter!

My girlfriend asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’

I said ‘slim to nun’

My girlfriend bought a new oven glove in a bright yellow colour.

I kept making puns about it, and now she’s not talking to me.

I probably did take it too far, I mustard mitt…

My girlfriend was dancing on a table.

“Good legs”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes, most other tables would’ve collapsed under that weight.”

“I bought my girlfriend an electric guitar yesterday”

“A Fender ?”

“No, she loved it…”

My girlfriend threatened to leave me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name…

So I called her Bluff…

So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.

Well, I’ve got some news for her.

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my constant puns about Africa.

Kenya believe that?

Ghana miss her if she goes…

My girlfriend said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

My girlfriend said she would leave me because of my obsession with algebra.

Now she is my X.

My girlfriend said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.

I said, “On what grounds?”

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.

My girlfriend just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…

Bloody cheek!

Woke up this morning and found I’d swallowed some feathers from my pillow.

My girlfriend said I looked a bit down in the mouth…

My girlfriend asked, “Would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”

Turns out “Yes I do” was not the right answer.

I met my girlfriend on Tinder.

That was awkward.

My girlfriend asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

I told her it was because I couldn’t stand doing it.

My girlfriend has begged me to stop making police-related puns…

I said, “O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.“

I surprised my girlfriend by getting romantic last night…

Best Scrabble score I’ve ever had…

My girlfriend asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

My girlfriend was upset because she thinks I don’t like her cooking…

So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy…

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary…

Joke’s on them, so are they!

My girlfriend is leaving me because of the way I treat her friends.

“You’re not even a qualified Gynaecologist,” she said.

For her birthday, I got my girlfriend an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening…

My girlfriend is leaving me because I keep forgetting to take the old coffee filter out of the machine…

She claims it’s grounds for divorce.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My girlfriend has just dumped me as she says I am obsessed with chess.

So far I have managed to keep my emotions in check.

My girlfriend suggested I get a telescope, since I was so interested in astronomy.

I told her I’d look into it.

I’m going out covered in meaty chunks, gravy and biscuits.

My girlfriend just said, “Where are you off to dressed up like a dog’s dinner?”.

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait…

Her answer may shock you!

My girlfriend said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’

I said: ‘That’s a myth.’

She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’

I didn’t understand what my girlfriend meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down…

And then the penne dropped.

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.

She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.

Just been to B&Q with my girlfriend and she got a ladder in her tights…

She’s an amazing shoplifter.

I’ve just found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door…

My girlfriend asked me if I could clear the kitchen table…

I had to get a running start but I made it!

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

My girlfriend and I had a big argument last night.

She called me gullible and financially irresponsible!

Wait until she hears I’ve won the Nigerian lottery…

I used to like to sleep with the bedside lamp on.

My girlfriend would say, “Take it off, you look ridiculous!”.

My girlfriend won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

My girlfriend told me to stop making camera puns.

I said she should stop focusing on the negatives and develop a sense of humour!

She left me in a flash…

My girlfriend told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat…You’re much bigger than that”.

My girlfriend is making me a burger for dinner.

I’m relishing it.

Told the girlfriend that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.

Told Mum that the girlfriend has something wrong with her.

My girlfriend just asked me if I’d finished making puns about small onions.

I said, “Yes, that shallot”.

I met my girlfriend at the glue factory where we both worked.

We bonded immediately.

We’ve just bought a Lord of the Rings themed kitchen.

My girlfriend loves the hob bit.

My girlfriend has insisted that I cease making puns about classic Motown hits or she will leave me.

I agreed to stop, in the name of love.

My girlfriend says I’m too sceptical… but I just don’t believe her.

I told my girlfriend: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween…

My girlfriend: “Which is?”

Me: “Exactly“

My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old-fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)