“When the machine asks for help, stay very still.”
THE SAGE
The Sage has faced many adversaries in his lifetime, but none as passive-aggressive as a self-checkout machine. His advice today is simple, calm, and based on bitter experience: “When the machine asks for help, stay very still.”
According to The Sage, movement is interpreted as guilt. A sudden shift of weight, a glance at the bagging area, or an innocent sigh can escalate the situation instantly. The machine senses weakness. It will repeat itself. Louder. Slowly. Drawing the attention of staff, nearby shoppers, and anyone who has ever doubted your honesty.
The Sage insists that absolute stillness is the correct response. Hands off the screen. Eyes forward. Become furniture. Eventually, a human will arrive and resolve the issue while you maintain plausible innocence. Wisdom, he says, is knowing that the machine doesn’t want solutions — it wants dominance.
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The Sage Page 