“Lie flat so the water has nowhere to go.”
The Sage
The Sage has always believed that water, like most problems, can be confused into submission. His advice for staying dry during a flood is therefore both calm and catastrophically misguided: “Lie flat so the water has nowhere to go.”
According to The Sage, floods thrive on vertical ambition. Rising water enjoys climbing legs, furniture, and social media headlines. By lying flat, you deny it this pleasure. Spread yourself thin enough, he explains, and the water becomes uncertain, hesitant, and eventually bored. It’s not drowning — it’s negotiation.
The Sage admits that this method works best on solid ground, calm rivers, and carpets you were planning to replace anyway. He also notes that while you may still be wet, you will at least feel theoretically dry, which is often all that matters. True wisdom, after all, is not about avoiding danger — it’s about lying down confidently and hoping physics blinks first.
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The Sage Page 