“If you feel drunk, sit very still and blame the chair.”
The sage
The Sage has always believed that most problems can be solved by remaining calm and blaming nearby furniture. His advice on avoiding getting drunk is therefore reassuringly simple: “If you feel drunk, sit very still and blame the chair.”
According to The Sage, dizziness is rarely the fault of alcohol. Chairs shift. Floors tilt. Rooms subtly rotate when they think no one is paying attention. By sitting completely still, you remove yourself from suspicion and allow the blame to fall where it belongs — on the unreliable seating arrangements of the modern world.
The Sage recommends adopting a thoughtful expression while seated, as if contemplating something profound. This suggests sobriety rather than survival. If challenged, a quiet remark such as “This chair’s not level” usually ends the conversation. Wisdom, he insists, is knowing that drunkenness is temporary — but a convincing excuse can last all evening.
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The Sage Page 