I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.
He said, “How flexible are you?”.
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
Did you hear about the angry gymnast?
He just flipped.
My grief counsellor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn’t care.
My mate Dave was obsessed with cough drops.
He ended up in a menthol institution.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
I’m just back from competing in the ‘Sun Tanning World Championship’.
I got bronze.
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
This is due to all the indoor fins…
Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick – she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.
She gave the following statement ; “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..
The therapist told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.
I said, “I can’t say I do.”
He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly took my eye out.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit.
Last year, I joined a group for anti social people.
We haven’t met yet.
I have sex daily.
Sorry, I mean I have dyslexia…
I’ve recently developed a phobia of elevators.
I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I have CDO.
It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.
If I ever start to go bald, I’ll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare.
I told myself I should stop drinking…
But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
Just seen that there’s a nudist convention on in town next week…
Might go if I’ve got nothing on.
I just heard a woodpecker call me paranoid in morse code…
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang me room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.
He was so bad, a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
During the recent toilet paper shortage I had to resort to using a calendar to wipe with…
I’m glad those days are behind me now.
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right.
On the right side, there is nothing left.
The doctor I’m seeing for my bad back is Egyptian.
He’s a Cairo-practor.
Went to see a play the other night and soon after had a panic attack.
The doctor told me I suffer from post-dramatic stress disorder!
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
In Iran everyone is afraid of spiders, but in Iraq, no phobia…
Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher.
I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order.
The boss reckons I am dishlexic.
People who don’t eat gluten are really going against the grain.
A dermatologist friend of mine started his career from scratch.
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I’ve been kicked out of Peripheral Vision Club.
I didn’t see that coming.
In our house, we always fight over the right way round to hang the toilet paper, so my therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week.
You know, roll reversal…
I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…I don’t even have a coconut.
My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.
He’s got back issues.
I went to Specsavers the other day and you would never guess who I bumped into.
Everyone.
Spent all of my wages on skin cream.
Bit of a rash decision.
My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets…
But first I’ve got to want to help myself.
I received a flyer on anger management the other day.
I lost it.
I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.
There’s no plaque.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I went to a pilates class the other day, but it was rubbish.
There were no pies or lattes.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out.
Somebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me.
I only have super fish oil injuries but I’m lucky I wasn’t krilled.
Just had my car waxed.
No idea how it gets so hairy…
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone he was a vegan.
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”.
I told him I drink it.
If you see a post about how to prevent coughs and sneezes don’t click on it!!
It’s a virus.
My mate’s just passed his NVQ in vegetarianism.
He’s quiche stage one.
I’ve just started the Adam Ant diet.
Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever…
The downside of living in my area is that so many people have head lice.
The positive side is that we are a close nit community.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.
Thank goodness I went to a psychic, she told me someone was going to swindle me out of some money.
Best 100 quid I’ve ever spent.
I walked past a plastic surgery clinic and saw some people flipping through brochures.
I think they were all picking their noses…
My friend has lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on his head.
It’s a new loaf hat diet he’s trying.
I’ve got an irrational fear of speed bumps…
But I’m slowly getting over it.
I’ve got no problems with genetically modified food!
I’ve just had a lovely leg of salmon.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.
I went to the doctor’s today and when I walked in, she said, “I’m sorry about your wait.”
I said, “So am I but it’s okay, I’ve been fat all my life.”
The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.
I’ve already put myself down.
Client: I can’t sleep. What should I do?
Therapist: Lie near the edge of the bed. That way you’ll be sure to drop off!
Someone just tried to charge me £100 for some protein powder.
I thought “That’s whey overpriced”.
Yawning. Your bodies way of saying 10% battery remaining.
I’ve been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I’m trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Finally, my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to change the bulb and the other to hold the peni… LADDER!
One to hold the ladder.
My therapist set down half a glass of water, asked if I was an optimist or a pessimist.
I drank the water & told him I was a problem solver.
My friend Joe recently went on the ‘Dolly Parton diet.’
It really made Joe lean…
Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.
I like to hit people on the knee to test their reflexes.
I don’t know why, but I get a kick out of it…
Two blondes are talking.
“I had a pregnancy test today” said the first.
Second said “Were the questions hard?”
I went to a psychic.
I knocked on her front door.
She yelled: “Who is it?”
So I left.
How do crazy people get through a forest?
They take the psycho-path ….
BREAKING NEWS!
The family of a man who went missing after eating five tins of baked beans and two jars of pickled onions have made an emotional appeal for his return.
They said in a statement: “Please don’t come back for at least a week.”
My wife left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…
I told her to close the door five times on her way out!
I told my therapist that I kept dreaming about John Lennon.
She said, “You’re not the only one”.
Would you believe it, they’ve canceled my last anger management session without telling me!
I’ve never been so mildly irritated in my life…
If Dave has 50 chocolate bars and eats 45, what does he have left?
Diabetes.
Dave has diabetes.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My wife is a hoarder and refuses to throw out her old magazine collection.
She has a lot of issues.
It turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute.
Totally blew my mind.
They say that being a hostage is hard and mentally draining but…
I reckon I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.
It’s a little fit bunny.
I told my therapist I kept hearing voices in my head.
She told me I don’t have a therapist.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
I have a phobia of abbreviations.
Laugh out Loud.
Where does a vegetarian go on holiday?..
Quornwall.
Today I have officially been sober for 100 days.
Not like, in a row or anything..
Just in total.
I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting. You know when two people just click.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian Club.
I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep.
It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.
Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years.
I just can’t part with it.
I keep dreaming that I’m swimming along a river in Paris.
I think I’m going insane…
I’m really happy with my vegetable patch.
I haven’t wanted a vegetable in weeks…
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.
To the lad who stole my weight loss pills…
You’ll have nothing to gain.
I met a guy the other day who was totally obsessed with monorails…
Talk about having a one-track mind…
I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…
Still, it gave me time to reflect…
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.
He didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
My wife accused me of having OCD..
I soon put her in her place.
Who’s the genius that decided to call it “Emotional baggage”…
And not “griefcase”.
Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
My wife asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’
I said ‘slim to nun’.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I offered the old woman next door £5 for a go on her Stenna stair lift…
I thinks she’s going to take me up on it.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.
Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.
A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting.
I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy’s heading for a breakdown.
I just called the paranoia hotline.
A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”
I’m not a complete idiot – several parts are missing.
The doctor said I should improve my diet by eating more whole foods.
Just had a bagel and a donut for lunch…
Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I thought it would be easy to balance a bucket of Tippex on my head…
I stand corrected…
I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative.
“Does this uniform make me look fat?” – insecurity guard.
I used to be a mime.
It’s only now I can talk about it.
Anger management classes…
They’re all the rage.
Went to a ‘kleptomaniac’s anonymous’ meeting but arrived a bit late. By the time I got there, all the seats had been taken…
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
Jon Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruitarian diet.
He’s living on a pear.
I’ve joined a club for Tourette’s sufferers – it took 4 hours to get sworn in.
It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.
Im going to the annual meeting of impatient people next week.
I can’t wait…
Hey, I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s..
I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My son has taken up meditation – at least it’s better than sitting and doing nothing…
What do colour-blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?
I suppose I better get up, get ready and hit the gym.
Sorry typo, I meant gin.
The other day I hugged a clown and it felt like a nice jester.
What do you call a hotel breakfast that gives you diarrhoea?
Incontinental.
I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn.
But after therapy.. I’ve managed to conker it.
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject.
These days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.
I’m fed up with vegetarians interrogating me about my eating habits…
It’s like the spinach inquisition!
I had a goal to two lose stone by the end of the year.
Just three stone to go!
To everyone out there suffering from paranoia…
Just remember you’re not alone.
I love being covered in snot and honey.
It’s the bees’ sneeze.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat, you’re much bigger than that.”
252 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury.
No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
WANTED: Someone to brush their teeth with me.
Because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won’t help tooth decay.
I’ve got a mind like a.. a.. what’s that thing called?
What are you going to do in the weekend?
“I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people. I’ll call it… Receding Airlines.
Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?
If you do, please give me a shout.
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
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