What was Marx’s problem with capitalism?
Is greater state control of the economy the solutuon to a post Covid recession?
Karl Marx wrote extensively about the evils of capitalism – are these criticisms releveant today?
Monday Mirth!
If I had a pound for every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food…
I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What’s the friendliest polyatomic ion?
Bromate.
A clown has been sacked for turning up late for his job at the circus.
He is suing for funfair dismissal.
A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight.
They fought tooth and nail.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his dessert?
Because he was stuffed.
I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station..
I don’t know why..
I just started filling up.
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one in a while and one later.
Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..
My life is a joke.
Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.
My dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”
Nice man.
Made horrible tea.
Whenever I go to funerals, I always say “plethora”.
People tell me it means a lot to them.
That’s the 10th passenger today who’s called me a Terrible Bus Driver.
I don’t know where these people get off.
I always get nostalgic putting my car in reverse.
It really takes me back.
I just got hired at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.
I told him to grow a pear.
So I named my phone Titanic.
Now whenever I use Bluetooth it says that Titanic is syncing.
Friday Funnies!
I’m putting back together my band called ‘Bubble Wrap’.
All we do is pop…
I wasn’t expecting the pizza delivery guy to turn up tonight wearing a Gloria Gaynor face mask!
At first I was afraid…
During the recent toilet paper shortage I had to resort to using a calendar to wipe with…
I’m glad those days are behind me now.
I relabelled all the jars in my girlfriend’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said, “So you know how we finish each others’ sentences?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Penny.” I said, introducing my daughter.
“And what’s Penny short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only four”
I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend; “I’m stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “
He said “Marooned”
I replied “Thanks, I’ll have a pint of lager then !”
I tried looking at the solar eclipse using a colander but I ended up straining my eyes…
So I went for a walk and suddenly this guy jumps out in front of me with a snake, he was playing music and the snake started dancing.
I thought “Well, that’s charming!”
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I had to interrogate a duck once.
Eventually he quacked under the pressure…
Thursday Funnies!
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology…
Don’t buy it!
Someone called me pretentious the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte.
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….
I think he meant well.
My wife said to me “There’s 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!”
I said “Well that’s 15, love…”
I just bought ‘Cluedo: Swingers Edition’
It turn out they all did it……in every room!
My wife is leaving me because I don’t believe in her tarot readings…
To be fair it’s been on the cards for a while.
I saw this homeless guy busking in the street…
He was singing…
“Take a jumbo cross the water,
Like to see America….”
I said, “That’s Supertramp !”
He said, “Thanks ! I’ve been practising….”
Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.
The bartender asked, “Olive or twist?”
I used to own a racing snail.
I thought taking it’s shell off would make it faster but it only made it more sluggish.
I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.
Wednesday Jokes!
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.
I’ve had it right up to here with them.
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang me room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
I went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.
He was so bad, a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side.
She had to.
We’ve only got one chair.
My friend said he was thinking of buying a car with a transparent driving wheel. I told him to steer clear.
I’ve just successfully bred a cross between a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I bet that’ll come back to bite me…
My friend was having difficulty feeding her baby with a spoon so I said “Try doing the ‘Airplane’.”
She said, “’Airplane’? What is it?”
“It’s a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that’s not important right now.”
“Doctor, can you hurry up and help me, I’m shrinking!”
“Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient…”
I’ve just seen a hammock for sale with 50% off!
I thought about buying it but even with that discount, I’m not that easily swayed…
I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend…
My best game of Scrabble ever.
My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning…
Tuesday Quips
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’
He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
Once formed a band called the Sewing Machines..
Didn’t work out..
Couldn’t get a Singer …
FUN FACT !
If you lose a sock in the tumble dryer, it comes back as a plastic Tupperware lid which doesn’t fit any of your containers…
I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant.
Absolute game changer.
My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been cancelled.
Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place…
My wife said “Come into the bedroom and I’ll put on that black lace number…”
I said “No thanks, I can’t stand ‘Agadoo’…”
I don’t approve of political jokes…
I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Monday Mega Joke Bundle
My Dad always used to tell me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”
He was a lovely man. Terrible geologist though.
My girlfriend just left me because of my obsession with cricket.
It’s really hit me for 6.
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.
But don’t worry…
I’ll return.
What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?
Oboy.
When I was little my Dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.
I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth.
I’m giving away my chimney for free.
It’s on the house.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it.
I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph.
That’s a grave sign.
The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.
They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”
Never works on me, ladies.
What happens if someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they’re standing.
Prison may be just one word.
But to some, it’s a whole sentence.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one…
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective!, I think we should split up”
Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way”
British Humour
I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon so I asked him “Whereabouts in Devon are you from mate ?”
He replied “EXETER MATE! EXETER MATE!”
I was telling a friend that I just got back from seeing a Charlie Chaplin movie in Devon.
He said “Torquay?”
I said “No it was a silent one.”
My mate told me about a fantastic campsite down south that I should go to after the lockdown
I said.. Endorse it?
Na.. She replied.. It’s in Devon..
I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese.
She was a cracker.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They’re both Paris sites.
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.
Why is a German stone intelligent?
Because it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.
My dad said he was going to set me up for life.
Of course, I was excited by the idea.
Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.
I was reading a book when my 5 year old nephew asked, “Why is that book so thick?”
I told him, “It’s a long story.”
Batman: “It’s been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub.”
Alfred: “Master Bruce, what’s a htub?”
Thursday Fun
I once saw two octopuses that looked exactly the same…
They must have been itentacle twins.
I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.
I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I entered a palindrome contest today…
I got top spot.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’
‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
1,2,3,4,5 Once I caught a fish alive,
6,7,8,9,10 I’m banned from London Zoo again…
People thought that Tina Turner had moved into my spare room last weekend but she was simply the guest…
Mid Week Jokes
I’ve recently been listening to the audio book version of ‘The Lord of the Rings’ read by Robert De Niro…
It’s Tolkein Italian…
Our local chiropodist has been arrested as he keeps stealing small pieces of nail after treating patients.
He’s a clipped toe maniac…
Someone asked me if I could name any famous Syrians.
I said, ‘Yes.. Botham and McKellan.’
I’ve been farting classic Mike Oldfield tunes all week.
Doctor said I have tubular bowels…
Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.
She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…
If I ever start to go bald, I’ll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare
What do you call a homeless horse?
Unstable
I told myself I should stop drinking…
But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
I’m giving away a free broken gate.
Honestly, there’s no catch.
In the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill..
Turns out it was a rubbish tip.
Just seen that there’s a nudist convention on in town next week…
Might go if I’ve got nothing on.
My girlfriend accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.
I’ve designed a new website for orphans.
There isn’t a home page.
My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think that something scary is about to happen…
I can feel it.
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
The Sage Page 