My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’
‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said, “No, I didn’t even know he could.”
This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.
Buckingham Palace has advertised for a gas engineer who can also walk the dogs…
Must be corgi registered.
I’ve been teaching my dog to beg.
It’s going well, yesterday he came back with £25!
The dog is barking at the back door and the wife is yelling at the front door.
Who do you let in first?..
The dog, because he’ll shut up when he comes in.
I threw a ball for my dog…
It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, “Yes, I’ve got a dog.”
She asked, “Would you like to insure him too?”
I said, “No thanks, he can’t drive!”
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
I asked my dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
What wears a fur coat in winter, and pants in summer?
It’s raining cats and dogs out there.
I know, I just stepped in a poodle.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said, “This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?”
I replied, “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”
Taking a dog named ‘Shark’ to the beach is a very bad idea…
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the lamp-post.
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