If I had a pound for every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food…
I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What’s the friendliest polyatomic ion?
Bromate.
A clown has been sacked for turning up late for his job at the circus.
He is suing for funfair dismissal.
A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight.
They fought tooth and nail.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his dessert?
Because he was stuffed.
I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station..
I don’t know why..
I just started filling up.
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one in a while and one later.
Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..
My life is a joke.
Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.
My dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”
Nice man.
Made horrible tea.
Whenever I go to funerals, I always say “plethora”.
People tell me it means a lot to them.
That’s the 10th passenger today who’s called me a Terrible Bus Driver.
I don’t know where these people get off.
I always get nostalgic putting my car in reverse.
It really takes me back.
I just got hired at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.
I told him to grow a pear.
So I named my phone Titanic.
Now whenever I use Bluetooth it says that Titanic is syncing.
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