I’m putting back together my band called ‘Bubble Wrap’.
All we do is pop…
I wasn’t expecting the pizza delivery guy to turn up tonight wearing a Gloria Gaynor face mask!
At first I was afraid…
During the recent toilet paper shortage I had to resort to using a calendar to wipe with…
I’m glad those days are behind me now.
I relabelled all the jars in my girlfriend’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said, “So you know how we finish each others’ sentences?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Penny.” I said, introducing my daughter.
“And what’s Penny short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only four”
I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend; “I’m stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “
He said “Marooned”
I replied “Thanks, I’ll have a pint of lager then !”
I tried looking at the solar eclipse using a colander but I ended up straining my eyes…
So I went for a walk and suddenly this guy jumps out in front of me with a snake, he was playing music and the snake started dancing.
I thought “Well, that’s charming!”
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I had to interrogate a duck once.
Eventually he quacked under the pressure…
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