My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.
I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note…
I suck at darts.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
I regret rubbing baked beans in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight…
No-one seems to kidnap cheesy 90s pop groups anymore…
I’ve taken Steps to rectify this…
I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs
They must be baking in there.
Just had a water fight on the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won!
No-one’s a match for me and my kettle.
A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship
But there was no Chemistry
What does a house wear?
A dress.
If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over and say 7up is lemonade.
Does anyone know the number of a vet?
My mate has been checking the room sizes in his new flat and the cat has suffered some head injuries.
I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…
Crematoriums.
My brother is dating a girl named Rosemary…
I don’t know what he season her…
Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.
I ended up making an exhibition of myself…
What if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the cupboard…?
The Sage Page 
Hilariously witty!
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