To the Person who stole my glasses.
I will find you. I have contacts…
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that’s it’s perfectly normal to poop your pants.
He’s still making fun of me though.
I’ve recently developed an irrational fear of elevators.
I’m now taking steps to avoid them.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…
I told her to close the door five times on her way out!
I saw a van with a “No tools left in this van overnight” sticker on the back.
So I broke in during the day.
I just ate my alarm clock, it was so time consuming.
I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read ‘War and Peace’ in 20 seconds.
It’s only 3 words but it’s a start.
I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando’s when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.
I wish he would stop taking sides.
First rule of Thesaurus Club.
You don’t talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club
I don’t do jokes about small wooden ladders going over dry stone walls, that’s not my style
I told my therapist that I kept dreaming about John Lennon.
She said “you’re not the only one”.
Some Chinese bloke pushed a little boat through my letterbox this morning…
Turned out to be junk mail.
Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards…
Will get a reward.
Would you believe it, they’ve cancelled my last anger management session without telling me!
I’ve never been so mildly irritated in my life…
My son wanted a bouncy castle for his birthday.
The man said the rental was £50 and the set-up was £1000.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
My left shoe says “I don’t smoke or drink”.
My right shoe says “I don’t do drugs”.
They are a pair of sensible shoes…
Welcome to Sea Life Bingo. Eyes down for your first number.
Clickety click, dolphin with a stutter.
The Sage Page 