What do you call a camel with no hump?
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body.
Then I was born.
“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
What’s green and not very heavy?
Two cold Eskimos in a kayak..
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank..
Proving once & for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Half the people you know are below average.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.
The barman asks, “Olive or twist?”
What are they like?
My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder. He never liked to throw anything away.
He died in the war holding a hand grenade.
I’ve just been looking at my ceiling and while I wouldn’t say it’s the best in the world…
It’s definitely up there.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”
Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian Club.
I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.
Just got a birthday card, opened it up and a rice went everywhere!!
It was from Uncle Ben.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.
I’m already dreading it…
My wife and kids are threatening to leave me because of my obsession with horse-racing.
And they’re off!