I saw a sign on the train saying “Please give this seat to an elderly person”.
So I unscrewed it and took it round to my granddads house…
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
Maybe
Where does a vegetarian go on holiday?..
Quornwall
Where do sharks go on holiday?
Finland.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies.
My girlfriend left me today because I’m too insecure…
Oh wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
How do Mexicans stay warm?
They use chickens for heaters.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
It never really took off.
Did you hear about the French cheese factory that exploded?
There was de Brie everywhere.
What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain?
Camembert.
I once dated a girl with fiery red hair and a pale white thin body.
We met on match.com
Just had a water fight on the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won!
No-one’s a match for me and my kettle.
There’s a guy on the phone who says he’s Jamaican, but he sounds Scottish.” said my secretary.
“That’ll be Jim Aitken.” I said. “Put him on”.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If anyone has any decent fish puns, please let minnow…
My wife likes it when I blow cold air on her when she’s too hot.
Personally I’m not a fan…
My Dad always used to tell people “laughter is the best medicine…”
Lovely bloke, terrible pharmacist…
The Sage Page 