When I was a lumberjack I chopped down exactly 3,625 trees.
I know this because every time I chopped one down I kept a log.
The band 10cc have booked a vacation touring around Scottish lakes, however they are not looking forward to it…
They dread loch holidays.
Took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – I had it, so I got him Carlsberg instead, he didn’t like that, so I had it. It was the same with Guinness and cider…
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his pram…
BREAKING NEWS !
The M25 is blocked after a lorry shed its load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes…
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery…
It only costs 1p to get into our local aquarium, so long as you’re camping or dressed as a dolphin.
To all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.
I’ve been trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament, but it’s not easy.
Good players are hard to find.
What type of people never get angry?
Doctors, because they have a lot of patients.
What do you call a dead musician?
A decomposer.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
What do we want?
Race car noises!!!
When do we want them?
Neeeooowwwww
I’ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper.
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 – £40,000
So I rang them and said, “The answer is -£5,000”
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My ex used to hit me with musical instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history of violins.
I’m gonna get a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s just something I could really see myself doing.
My car failed it’s emissions test today….
Fuming!
If you’ve never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.
Last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
If you’re lonely, dim the lights and put on a horror movie.
After a while you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.
Rehab Is for Quitters
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I went Speed Dating once,
“Have you got any pets?”, one girl asked.
“Yeah, a goldfish”
“Any hobbies?”, she said
“Yes”, he loves swimming..”
My son asked me “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
I responded, “Yes we arson”.
I asked my wife to pick 6 stems of asparagus from the garden. She came back with 7.
The last one is just a spare I guess.
What do you call a short mother?
A minimum.
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