I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.
We had a big falling out though, and now she wont give me the time of day…
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
To the lad who stole my weight loss pills…
You’ll have nothing to gain.
I was eating at a restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, ”Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted, ”I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.
How much does a lizard weigh?
Depends on the scales.
My Granddad has the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
You’re all invited to my recycling party on Saturday at 8pm.
Bring a bottle.
Breaking News
The Irish fencing team have withdrawn from the Olympics already!!
They’ve ran out of creosote
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive example is adequate.
I was buying my wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant; “Are these knickers satin?”
“No” she said, “They’re brand new…”
I’m doing an online DJ set for a Devon & Cornwall radio station playing 60’s and 70’s hits.
I can’t decide whether to play The Jam or Cream first though…
I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry…
Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
I went for an audition at a talent agency today.
They asked “so what’s your special talent?”
I said “I do bird impressions!”
They said “sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!”
I said “fair enough!!”… and flew out the window!
I met a guy the other day who was totally obsessed with monorails…
Talk about having a one-track mind…
I took my wife to the hall of mirrors at the funfair last night.
“Look at your funny shaped face and big bum!!” she laughed.
I’m glad she enjoyed it but we were still in the car at this point…
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Agad”
“Agad who?”
“Push pineapple shake the tree”
Remember the singer Yazz?
She now works as an elevator attendant.
She’s not very good at it…
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