I think the heat is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.
I used to have hundreds and thousands of them…
I just sold all my glove puppets.
A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…
Doctor: “How’s the patient doing, the one who swallowed all the 20p coins?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic toy horses stuck up his bottom.
Doctors described his condition as stable.
Why were the Dark Ages so dark?
Because there were so many knights.
If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”
Saying, “It’s ‘WHOM shall I shoot first?'” is not the best answer.
Old yachtsmen don’t die…
They just keel over.
I just ate a frozen apple.
Hardcore.
I went for a curry the other day & got some terrible news.
My naan had slipped into a korma…
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…
Still, it gave me time to reflect…
I’m struggling with these shoes I bought from East Asia..
They came with two pairs of laces but I can only Taiwan…
I took a photo of a mouse yesterday…
He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it…
BREAKING NEWS!
Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.
The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…
My cat always gets excited when I put the movie ‘Flashdance’ on…
What a feline!
I went into a shop to buy a stretcher.
They asked if I wanted to try it out…
I said “No, I don’t want to get carried away…”
After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”
She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.
f(x)=2×1 walks into a bar.
The barman says, ‘Sorry, we don’t cater for functions’.
My neighbour keeps posting joss sticks through my letterbox!
I’m incensed!
Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island…
Can he fix it? Corsican!
I’ve just watched an interesting factual TV programme about a man who tries to hit insects with a rolled up newspaper…
It was a fly-on-the-wall documentary.
A bloke knocked at my door and said, “Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”.
I think he was a Je-hoover’s witness…
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