Wednesday’s wonderland of wit ….

I think the heat is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.

I used to have hundreds and thousands of them…

I just sold all my glove puppets.

A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…

Doctor: “How’s the patient doing, the one who swallowed all the 20p coins?”

Nurse: “No change yet.”

One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic toy horses stuck up his bottom.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Why were the Dark Ages so dark?

Because there were so many knights.

If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”

Saying, “It’s ‘WHOM shall I shoot first?'” is not the best answer.

Old yachtsmen don’t die…

They just keel over.

I just ate a frozen apple.


I went for a curry the other day & got some terrible news.

My naan had slipped into a korma…

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…

Still, it gave me time to reflect…

I’m struggling with these shoes I bought from East Asia..

They came with two pairs of laces but I can only Taiwan…

I took a photo of a mouse yesterday…

He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it…


Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.

The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…

My cat always gets excited when I put the movie ‘Flashdance’ on…

What a feline!

I went into a shop to buy a stretcher.

They asked if I wanted to try it out…

I said “No, I don’t want to get carried away…”

After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”

She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.

f(x)=2×1 walks into a bar.

The barman says,Sorry, we don’t cater for functions’.

My neighbour keeps posting joss sticks through my letterbox!

I’m incensed!

Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island…

Can he fix it? Corsican!

I’ve just watched an interesting factual TV programme about a man who tries to hit insects with a rolled up newspaper…

It was a fly-on-the-wall documentary.

A bloke knocked at my door and said, “Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”.

I think he was a Je-hoover’s witness…

Published by The Sage Page


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