I always feel warm on my birthday because people don’t stop toasting me.
Age is a relative thing.
All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.
“Were any famous men born on your birthday?”
“No, only little babies.”
The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I once dated a girl with a twin.
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill coloured her nails purple and bob had a penis
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it’s been great…
I love being my own boss.
Most people are shocked when they find out…
How incompetent I am as an electrician.
My son asked: “Are these gay cows, Daddy?”
“No, they’re bison,” I replied.
At first, my girlfriend didn’t want to get a brain transplant.
Then I changed her mind.
I’m addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.
Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?
Because he’s a rocket man!
I bought one of those ‘smart light switches’ but it was much too clever…
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.
I’ve got a rare skin condition that looks like I’m covered in camouflage.
I went to the doctor but he said he couldn’t see me…
Took my car in for a service yesterday…
The vicar at the church was not impressed…
I found a four leaf clover!
It’s a bit creased, I was going to iron it but I don’t want to press my luck..
Did my first nude painting this morning.
The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!
Just lost in the final of the ‘UK Crossword Championship’…
Gutted isn’t the word!
I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges…
I told him probably to put them on eBay…
Just finished reading a new book called “Falling off a cliff” by Eileen Dover.
I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine.
I’m going to take it for a spin later…
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week. It was OK.
Nothing to write home about.