Joke of the Day: Technology

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

The inventor of the USB stick has died.

Thanks for the memory.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down.

What do you call a computer mouse that swears?

A cursor.

Why are the front of Apple Stores all windows?

The guy who invented predictive text passed away yesterday.

His funfair will be next monkey.

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

I went back to this girl’s place, she had a 10-foot light switch.

It was a massive turn off.

Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is.

I told him, “that makes 2 of us.”

How can a shepherd tell which are his sheep?

He checks their baa codes…

I once broke my ankle falling off a cash machine…

It said ‘Balance on screen’.

I’ve invented a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm.

Instead of just beeping it goes, Whooooooooooooooooooohhhoooooooooooa your house is on fire.

I’ve just invented a new Golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Note to self: Do NOT put them in back pocket.

A salesman from a stationery company ‘phoned me and tried to sell me some printer ink but I said ‘No thanks’…

I didn’t like his toner voice…

Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

I bought a new strimmer today.

It’s cutting hedge technology.

I’ve just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.

Someone’s going to be wrong.

I think my spell Czech is broken.

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

The first computer can be dated back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte, then everything crashed…

OK, so “Naked Running” apparently means; no music, no watch, no GPS, no electronics…

Would have been nice to have known that an hour ago!

My lab partner invented a device that will steal other people’s ideas and then delete it from their memory.

Why didn’t I think of that?

BREAKING NEWS!

Elton John’s E-reader device has been blown away by a tropical storm.

Like a Kindle in the wind.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane!

My mate Sid’s been a victim of ID theft.

He’s now called ‘S’.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain again today?”

She replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again.

If you’ve never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.

Is it just me, or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently…

Connected my coffee machine to the internet and now it’s using up all my bandwidth, getting Java updates.

The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a bar code.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it’s been great…

I love being my own boss.

I bought one of those ‘smart light switches’ but it was much too clever…

So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine.

I’m going to take it for a spin later…

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I changed my password to “incorrect”.

So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

What do you call a Welsh singer who never gets lost?

Tomtom Jones.

Just bought a low-energy light bulb from B&Q.

Assistant asked, “Will you be putting this up yourself?”

I said “No it’s going in the lounge”

The woman who created the mobile phone package where you supply your own handset has sadly passed away…

R.I.P Simone Lee.

Dropped my phone in the bath.

It’s syncing.

Not sure about my new sat nav. I was in the local safari park, and it said bear left.

It was clearly an elephant.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Solar power is definitely the way forward, but it’s not going to happen overnight.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed, and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

I couldn’t get my phone to work this morning, so I took the bus instead.

Tried to use the WiFi in my local cafe and just got lots of photos of beef stew on my laptop.

Turned out to be a wireless hotpot.

I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.

I love my electric razor…

It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect… Then they fried me for no raisin.

Bit surprised by the free printer I got with my new computer.

He’s called Arthur and he’s worked in newspapers for 14 years.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)