My friend Ellie requested jokes about pets today but as I have posted jokes about dogs, cats, birds, fish, cows, and pigs recently I’ve decided to give you a MEGAPOST today about animals. This is my biggest selection yet (some of which I have posted before) so good luck getting to the end. ENJOY…
What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes…
I turned to a local tribesman and said “That lizard is really funny!”
The tribesman replied, “That’s not a lizard… he’s a stand up chameleon…”
My mate suggested we went to a fancy dress party as a pheasant and a grouse.
Well, I’m game if he is!
People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.
And sure enough he was eaten by his favourite lion last Friday.
What type of bees produce milk?
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today.
Sprayed it all over myself, I still can’t fly.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had drinks.
Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
What’s very small and sounds like a pigeon?
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
This is due to all the indoor fins…
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
Some people think that killing animals with helium is wrong.
I don’t judge…
Whatever floats your goat.
I used to feed gorillas at my local zoo from a distance using a golf club.
I’d drive them bananas.
I’ve started using geese heading south for winter to shave small pieces of cheese.
They are migrating birds.
Some small aquatic mammals have escaped from the Zoo…
Studies have shown that cows will produce more milk when the farmer talks to them…
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to work at a cat shelter but I had to quit.
They reduced meowers.
My Twitter password has been hacked again…
This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…
I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.
No tern was left unstoned.
My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.
We clicked straight away.
Rabbit hutch salesmen.
They’ll give you a run for your money…
If I ever start to go bald, I’ll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare.
What do you call a homeless horse?
I once saw two octopuses that looked exactly the same…
They must have been itentacle twins.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’
‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
1,2,3,4,5 Once I caught a fish alive, 6,7,8,9,10 I’m banned from London Zoo again…
I just heard a woodpecker call me paranoid in morse code…
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They’re both Paris sites.
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.
I’ve just successfully bred a cross between a crocodile and a homing pigeon.
I bet that’ll come back to bite me…
I used to own a racing snail. I thought taking it’s shell off would make it faster but it only made it more sluggish.
What breed of dog will unlock your front door?
If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks…
Cost me an arm and a leg.
My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. I said,
“No, I didn’t even know he could.”
I answered the door this morning.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face & called me fat.
Apparently, there’s a nasty bug going round.
I saw Sinead O’Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday.
I asked her what kind of activity she’d seen…
She replied “It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays….”
In Iran everyone is afraid of spiders, but in Iraq, no phobia…
Rats are under rated.
Check your dictionary.
Scientists have failed to get pandas to eat synthetic food, because they are hard to bamboozle.
Two cows in a field on a cold winter’s night.
One cow says to the other,
“I don’t know about you but I’m fresian”
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Customer- “Is this insecticide good for beetles.”
Shop Assistant- “No, it’ll kill them!… “
I’ve taught my dog to bark along to ‘Sweet Caroline’.
He’s a bit of a ruff Diamond…
Someone told me that pets settle far better if you let them sleep at the end of your bed…
It’s true, my goldfish hasn’t woken up yet.
I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said “No, but I once gave a duck a bath”.
Asked in a local restaurant how they prepare their chickens.
Chap said “We just tell them straight that they’re going to die”.
So I went for a walk and suddenly this guy jumps out in front of me with a snake, he was playing music and the snake started dancing.
I thought “Well, that’s charming!”
I had to interrogate a duck once.
Eventually he quacked under the pressure…
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one in a while and one later.
Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.
A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.
So I pointed at a map and woofed...
This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.
I used to know a deaf fisherman.
He wore a herring aid.
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
Penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman; “Have you seen my brother?”
Barman says “I don’t know, what does he look like?”
Why don’t owls go on dates when it’s raining?
Because it’s too wet to woo.
An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, “Wallaby?
The marsupial says, “I’ll have a pint, please.”
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
My pet snake has just got a job with the Inland Revenue.
He’s a Civil Serpent.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
How can a shepherd tell which are his sheep?
He checks their baa codes…
Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head?
I turned into a cat earlier..
Don’t ask meow!
Buckingham Palace have advertised for a gas engineer who can also walk the dogs…
Must be corgi registered.
What type of fish do two Sodium atoms make?
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?
And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands.
There are no canaries there either.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride .
What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milk shake!
I’ve started a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I’ve been teaching my dog to beg.
It’s going well, yesterday he came back with £25 !
I got attacked by a flock of sheep yesterday!
Luckily, I was only grazed…
What do you call 100 little sheep rolling down a hill?
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
FUN FACT! Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk…
It’s one of the few animals that can make its own custard!
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
What type of pet just lies there and does nothing.
The RSPCA have said I can’t keep my pet dolphin in the bath.
Apparently it’s not fit for porpoise.
I’ve named my dog “ten miles”.
Just so I can tell people I walk ten miles twice a day.
I threw a ball for my dog…
It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
I advertised a python for sale in the paper, a man rang up and said “What size is it?”
I replied “It’s quite big”
“How many feet?” he asked,
“None, it’s a snake…”
Was a bit worried, I thought I was stung by a suspicious Russian wasp yesterday…
Turned out it was a only cagey bee…
My in-laws couldn’t cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the canal.
I did it but It broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.
I made some fish tacos last night.
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens weren’t around yet.
My friend got a pet beaver and has called him Clint.
I’ve lost my job at the farm collecting eggs from chickens.
I’ve been laid off.
Several black and white bears have just escaped from London Zoo…
It’s causing panda-monium…
News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.
They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
Albino pheasants, I reckon they’re fair game.
My cat is recovering after a massive stroke.
I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.
He said: “Me? How?”
My geometry teacher has lost his parrot.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles.
“Hardback?” The assistant asked.”
Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I just had to take my chameleon to the vets as he can’t change colour anymore.
He’s been diagnosed with a reptile dysfunction.
“I love my job!” said the farmer.
“All you do is boss me around all day!” said one of his sheep.
“What did you say?” asked the farmer.
“You herd me.”
I’ve just had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
I’m having this recurring dream where I think I’m a horse.
Last five nights on the trot…
What do you get if you divide 22 sheep into 7 pens?
A shepherd’s pi…
Where do birds meet for coffee?
BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the’ impression a very small horse’ is approaching.
My new car runs on fish oil…
So I asked the expert at London Zoo “Is my female centipede real or not?”
They said “Counterfeit.”
The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.
Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.
A duck goes into a pub and the barman says “Waddle it be?”
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, but the frogs croaks every night.
Why do baby swans like Swan Lake?
It’s their cygnet-ure tune.
What does a narcissistic cow say?
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
How can a shepherd tell which are his sheep?
He checks their baa codes…
My wife says she’ll leave me if I keep making marine animal puns…
I said “I don’t do it on porpoise.”
What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Two mice chewing on a film roll and one says to the other: “I think the book was better”.
Two dogs are sitting in a bar.
The first says, “Wanna hear a joke?”
The second dog says, “Sure!”
The first dog says, “Knock knock.”
The second says… “WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!”
That strange moment when you walk through a big spider web and instantly turn into a karate master.
I’ve let my pet chimpanzee log in to my Amazon account.
We are prime mates.
I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, “Yes, I’ve got a dog.”
She asked, “Would you like to insure him too?”
I said, “No thanks, he can’t drive!”
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn’t afford a dog.
Two cows are standing in a field.
One cow says “MOOOOO!”
The other cow says pretty much the same thing.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they’re not tenants.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
Still a fly.
The irony is unfortunate, but the name doesn’t change.
Q) How do you stop moles from digging up your garden?
A) Hide their spades.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
What sort of key opens a banana?
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that…
Took my goldfish to the chip shop and asked ‘do you sell fish cakes?’
Yes’ they replied.
Great because it’s his birthday.
I asked my dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
Where do sharks go on holiday?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies.
What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain?
If anyone has any decent fish puns, please let minnow…
What do you call a camel with no hump?
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
It only costs 10p to get into our local aquarium, so long as you’re camping or dressed as a dolphin.
To all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.
How much does a lizard weigh? Depends on the scales.
My dad has the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry…
Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.
I took a photo of a mouse yesterday…
He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it…
My cat always gets excited when I put the movie ‘Flashdance’ on…
What a feline!
I bought a ‘self-assembly’ bird table last week…
I put it in the garden and they haven’t even opened the box yet!
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with goats.
Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken ?”
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a bar code.
My wife bet me I couldn’t do a butterfly impression.
I thought to myself, that’s got to be worth a little flutter!
Frank Sinatra was once asked if he ever kept herons as pets…
“Egrets? I’ve had a few…” he replied.
Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.
It’s the bear minimum.
I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.
He didn’t care.
My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he’d still be alive today.
I applied for a job looking after the Australian marsupials at the zoo…
However I didn’t possess the necessary koalafications…
Alligators can grow up to 20 feet.
But most grow four.
A burglar broke into our house last night.
I didn’t shoot him.
I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
What wears a fur coat in winter, and pants in summer?
Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
It’s raining cats and dogs out there.
I know, I just stepped in a poodle.
What ants are small?
What ants are big?
What ants are bigger?
I just made my hamster a strong coffee.
I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel.
Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
My son’s pet frog broke his leg yesterday.
He was very unhoppy…
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet!
What do you call Bears with no ears?
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
We’ve got a bird of prey that only dances to 80s music at night…
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
What do you call a hippo without a butt?
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today…
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
I rang the vet to complain about over the top fees.
He just put the phone down, as quickly and humanely as possible.
Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat.
So the oily bird gets the warm.
I gave my pet bird a haircut, and now he thinks he’s James Bond…
He’s certainly a shorn canary…
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
‘Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat!’
‘How long have you felt like this?’
‘Ever since I was a kid!’
The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.
I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!
My wife said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’
I’m trying to find someone to give a lecture on pregnancy in large mammals but no one wants to talk about the elephant in the womb…
Just spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do…
I had a vinyl album called “Wasp Noises”, but when I played the first track it didn’t sound like a wasp and the second track didn’t sound like a wasp either…
Then I realised I was playing the B side…
I’ve got a problem with insects in my house so I bought some flypapers,
Now I’ve got fifteen of them reading the sports section…
My friend has written a book about equine dentistry.
I asked him how he found his information and he told me it was straight from the horses mouth…
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
Played frisbee in the park with my dog yesterday.
Not much good though, I think I’m going to need a flatter dog….
Her: ‘Undress me with your words…’
Him: ‘There’s a spider in your bra!!’
Taking a dog named ‘Shark’ to the beach is a very bad idea…
Everyone was entertained when Lionel Ritchie took his performing cat to Sea World.
What a feline, dancing on the sea lion…
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at Pizza Hut?
He works in the crust station.
A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
Praying mantises don’t all follow the same religion.
They’re in sects.
I know a dog who goes and sits in the corner every time the doorbell rings.
He’s a boxer.
A friend of mine used to live in a lake filled with ducks but he moved out when he got fed up with all the bills.
Went to a trendy restaurant and had a pelican curry.
Tasted ok, but the bill was enormous.
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the lamp-post.
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The retail store.
How do you hire a horse?
Put a brick under each hoof.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not”
I spotted a lion at the zoo the other day.
He looks like a leopard now.
Lost money playing poker with one of the big cats at the zoo.
Think he was a cheetah.
Went for dinner with the zoo animals the other day.
They didn’t all bring their wallets, I ended up paying the lion’s share.
Got invited to the neighbours for pre-Christmas drinks with nibbles.
They really spoil that cat.
My uncle has got two dogs called Rolex and Timex.
They’re watch dogs…
How do you stop a bull from charging?
Take away his credit card.
I decided that being a shepherd isn’t for me.
Every time I try to count my flock, I fall asleep.
Went for a job as a blacksmith. Chap asked me if I had ever shoed a horse.
I said “no, but I’ve told a donkey to go away”.
A classic novel by Charles Chickens.
I was grilling a chicken last night.
“For the last time, why did you cross the road?”
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?.
A: He wanted to be a polyunsaturated!
My wife is kicking me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns…
‘OK,’ I said, ‘Alpaca my bags.’
A giraffe walks into a bar and lies down.
A man walks in and says “Why is that lying there?”
The bartender says “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
Never mind cats and dogs, it was raining chickens and ducks yesterday.
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…
Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.
Witness “I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!”
Reporter “Did he have a gun?”
Witness “No, but he was well armed!”
I just graduated as a Veterinarian. my first patient was a cat who said “Meow”
I said “I know. But where?”
There were 2 cats who were in a swimming competition.
One was called “une deux trois”. One was called “One Two Three”.
Which cat won the competition?
One Two Three.
Because Une Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.
How did the farmer find his missing cow?
He tractor down.
What goes “oom, oom”?
A cow walking backwards.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
5 thoughts on “Joke of the Day: Animals”
Thank you for the mention and for taking me up on my idea for today, Andrew. These were all hilarious and so difficult to choose a favourite one. I think, if I had to, it would be the one about ‘Where do animals go when their tails fall off.’ Brilliant. I love your posts for their ease of reading as, at the moment, I’ve got an attention span of a gnat! Your writings are like a breath of fresh air for me. Thanks for writing and sharing them, my friend 😊.
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You are welcome Ellie. And I didn’t have jokes about gnats, d’oh! Laughter, and even smiling is therapy so your comments make me happy. Have the best day!
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If you’re attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.
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I made it to the bottom. It’s an exhausting list.
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Brilliant Mike, that’s a time consuming task you achieved! I salute you!