Joke of the Day: Coffee

Just at the airport with my wife, I said “I wish I’d brought the coffee table with us.”

“Why is that?” she asked…

“The passports are on it…”

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.

I’m about to have a cup of dangerous coffee.

Safe tea first though.

My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”.

I told him I drink it.

Where do birds meet for coffee?

Nest-cafe.

I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town. “Shall we go for a coffee ?”

“Yes, sounds good!” “Ok then, Starbucks ?”

“No” “Costa ?”

“No!!!”…

I think she was holding out for a Nero…

Connected my coffee machine to the internet and now it’s using up all my bandwidth, getting Java updates.

I just made my hamster a strong coffee.

I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel.

Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.

I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…

Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.

My wife is leaving me because I keep forgetting to take the old coffee filter out of the machine…

She claims it’s grounds for divorce.

It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.

I quit my job at the coffee shop.

Couldn’t stand the daily grind.

It’s an astronaut’s first day on the ISS and he’s making himself a coffee.

He says to a colleague: “I can’t find the milk”

And the other astronaut grinning “In space no one can, here use cream”

I’ve got an old bag of coffee grounds that I keep for sedimental reasons.

Don’t think I could cope with a job as a coffee taster.

How do they sleep at night?

Al Pacino’s brother, Cap, is famous for his coffee.

I had a cup of coffee with a penguin yesterday.  

He said he would have preferred a fish.

What’s Dracula’s favourite type of coffee?

Decoffinated.

What type of coffee is like a cow who has just given birth?

De-calf-inated.

Not a fan of roller coasters.  

My coffee cup keeps moving across the table.

Popped into the local garage, and the mechanic was having a coffee.  

Think he was on a brake.

I had a coffee today that was so recently ground it still tasted like mud.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)