Joke of the Day: Birthdays

I hate being the only drunk person at a party!!

I’ve totally ruined my 5 year old’s birthday.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…

It’s Mark Zuckerberg.

The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

The look on my sons face, when he opened his Birthday present & saw it was flattened cardboard.

I said “You did say you wanted an ex-box?”

I opened my birthday card and a Yorkshire pudding fell out.

It was from my Aunt Bessie.

It’s IKEA’s birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter, and a whisk, and told them there’s your damn cake.

I threw a ball for my dog… It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

My son wanted a bouncy castle for his birthday.

The man said the rental was £50 and the set-up was £1000.

I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

What did the pirate say on his 80th Birthday?

Aye Matey.

As I handed my Dad his 80th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

For her birthday my wife wanted tickets for a cruise to Denmark to see The Temptations…

But instead I drove to Primark to get her four tops.

My wife said she wanted to be treated for her birthday.

So I painted her with Cuprinol.

I gave my wife a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.

Well, I did promise her the earth…

Took my goldfish to the chip shop and asked ‘do you sell fish cakes?’

Yes’ they replied.

Great because it’s his birthday.

Bought my mum a fridge for her birthday.

You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it!

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.

Just got a birthday card, opened it up and a rice went everywhere!!

It was from Uncle Ben.

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday…

I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’ when I give it to her later…

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently…

I always feel warm on my birthday because people don’t stop toasting me.

“Were any famous men born on your birthday?”

“No, only little babies.”

My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

My Dad once gave me an abacus shaped like a castle for my birthday.

Well, it’s the fort that counts…

I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.

The doorman said to me, “Sorry mate, you’ve had too many”.

I replied, “What, drinks?”

He said, “No, birthdays!”

I just got goosebumps…

I told some geese it was my birthday.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening…

I asked my new wife when her birthday was.

She said March 1st. So I walked around the room and asked again.

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