Guarantee a seat on a busy train by loudly announcing, “I feel slightly contagious,” before boarding.
– The Sage
Catching a train can be a stressful experience. There’s the timetable confusion, the platform uncertainty, and the slow dawning horror that the train arriving is not, in fact, yours. The Wise Sage recommends taking control early. A calm yet audible declaration of mild mystery symptoms will instantly create what professionals call “personal space.”
If you prefer a more proactive strategy, begin running towards the train while shouting the name of the destination repeatedly, even if it is printed clearly on the front. This establishes dominance and suggests you are a person of urgency. Fellow passengers will instinctively clear a path, partly out of respect and partly out of self-preservation.
Should the doors begin to close, simply hold up one finger and say, “This will only take a second,” as if you are pausing a conversation rather than a mechanised transport system. If that fails, glare meaningfully at the conductor as though punctuality is a personal insult.
As always, The Sage accepts no responsibility for missed connections, confused commuters, or being gently escorted off the premises.
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