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Joke of the Day: Darth Vader
This Day in History: March 15th
Here are 10 historical events that took place on March 15th, listed in chronological order:
- 44 BC: The assassination of Julius Caesar by a group of Roman senators, including Brutus and Cassius, takes place in the Theatre of Pompey in Rome.
- 493: The Ostrogoths under Theodoric the Great defeat the forces of Odoacer at the Battle of Verona, establishing Theodoric as ruler of Italy.
- 1493: Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the Americas, concluding his expedition.
- 1781: During the American Revolutionary War, British forces under General Cornwallis defeat the Continental Army under General Greene at the Battle of Guilford Courthouse in North Carolina.
- 1820: Maine becomes the 23rd state of the United States.
- 1917: Tsar Nicholas II of Russia abdicates the throne, marking the end of the Romanov dynasty and the start of the Russian Revolution.
- 1939: Germany occupies Czechoslovakia, violating the Munich Agreement and escalating tensions leading up to World War II.
- 1972: The United Kingdom imposes direct rule over Northern Ireland, suspending the Northern Ireland Parliament and government.
- 1985: The first Internet domain name, symbolics.com, is registered by the Symbolics Computer Corporation, marking the beginning of the commercial Internet era.
- 2011: Syrian civil war begins with protests against President Bashar al-Assad’s government erupting in several cities across the country.
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Thought of the Day: Lies and Truth
If a liar tells you they are lying, are they lying or telling the truth?
This scenario presents a classic paradox known as the liar paradox. If a liar claims they are lying, it creates a contradiction because if they are indeed lying, then they are telling the truth about lying, which means they are not lying. Conversely, if they are telling the truth about lying, then they are not actually lying, which contradicts their initial statement.
In essence, the statement creates a logical loop without a clear resolution, highlighting the inherent complexity and ambiguity that can arise in certain self-referential situations. It’s a playful reminder of the intricacies of language and logic.
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Joke of the Day: Pizza
I wasn’t expecting the pizza delivery guy to turn up tonight wearing a Gloria Gaynor face mask!
At first, I was afraid…
What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?
One is easy to cheat, and the other is cheesy to eat.
“I’m here to collect my pizza”
“Would you like olives?”
“No, just mine.”
Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at Pizza Hut?
He works in the crust station.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate pizza long before it was cool.
I was arguing with a friend in Pizza Hut the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table, and ran off. I wish he would stop taking sides.
My local pizzeria has just made the world’s largest pizza base. I’d like to see someone top that.
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
Should have used aloha temperature.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke but I can’t work out the delivery…
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day. He wasn’t happy.
Chap goes to collect his pizza and asks if he wants it cut into six or twelve pieces.
“Six”, he says, “I could never eat twelve”.
I would tell you a joke about pizza toppings but it’s too cheesy.
The best way to stop a pizza curling is to hide its brush.
I called a local pizza place the other night and said,
“Do you do takeaways?”
They said “Yes”, so I said “What’s 23452 minus 345?”
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Thought of the Day: Strangers
If we never talked to strangers we would never have friends.
While it’s true that many friendships begin with interactions between strangers, it’s not a strict rule that you must talk to strangers to make friends. Friendships can also develop through mutual acquaintances, shared interests, activities, or common experiences. However, being open to meeting new people and engaging in conversations with strangers can certainly broaden your social circle and increase your chances of forming new friendships. Ultimately, the key is to be open-minded and receptive to the possibility of connecting with others, whether they are strangers or not.
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This Day in History: March 14th
Here are 10 historical events that took place on March 14th, listed in chronological order:
- 44 BC: Julius Caesar is assassinated by a group of Roman senators, including Brutus and Cassius, leading to the end of the Roman Republic.
- 1590: Battle of Ivry: King Henry IV of France defeats the Catholic League during the French Wars of Religion.
- 1757: Admiral John Byng is executed by firing squad aboard HMS Monarch for breach of the Articles of War, an event that led to the phrase “pour encourager les autres.”
- 1794: Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin, revolutionizing cotton production in the southern United States and increasing the demand for slave labor.
- 1885: Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic opera “The Mikado” receives its first public performance at the Savoy Theatre in London.
- 1900: The Gold Standard Act is ratified, establishing gold as the sole standard for redeeming paper currency in the United States.
- 1915: World War I: The Allies abandon the Gallipoli campaign, ending a disastrous military campaign that resulted in heavy casualties for both sides.
- 1923: President Warren G. Harding becomes the first U.S. president to file an income tax return.
- 1939: Slovakia declares independence under German pressure, becoming a client state of Nazi Germany during World War II.
- 2004: The Republic of Ireland becomes the first country in the world to ban smoking in all workplaces, including bars and restaurants.
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School Jokes
My teacher accused me of plagiarism.
His words, not mine.
I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…
I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.
Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.
She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…
I was terrible at spelling when I was at school.
Brilliant at jografy though.
My mate failed his aboriginal music exam.
I asked him, “Did you redo it?”
Son: Dad, I had a test at school today.
Dad: Oh yeah, what was it on?
Son: Paper.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at!
Oxygen and potassium went on a date…
It went OK
Sex education classes in school should just be listening to a baby crying for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I once tried to quickly make a square but I ended up with an octagon…
That’s what happens when you cut corners.
Just found out I’ve failed my online German exam.
Sacre bleu!
My mate’s just passed his NVQ in vegetarianism.
He’s quiche stage one.
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They’re always plotting something.
Teacher: How much is a gram?
Pupil: Uhmm, depends on what you need
For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
My geometry teacher has lost his parrot.
Polygon.
I would get so excited in French lessons that sometimes a little “oui” would come out.
It turns out my school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made three jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.
I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.
To make it look more classy.
Mountains aren’t just funny.
They’re hill areas.
My maths teacher called me average.
How mean!
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
A friend of mine has just graduated from ballet school with a 2:2.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
Why is it that so many Kings are named after fractions?
My teacher always said “violence is never the answer”.
I’m stuck on the last clue on a £1000 prize crossword. 26 across – behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.
It’s V _ _ L _ N _ E
Any ideas?
Dropping Latin phrases into conversations just to sound smart is definitely my modus operandi…
Today I learned Albert Einstein really existed.
I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pick up his Master’s degree.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” just after a swear word.
I’ll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
The school had a big problem with drugs… especially Class A
I failed my Indian cooking exam because I wrote down ‘butter’ when I meant ‘ghee’.
I should have clarified.
If I got 50 pence for every math exam I failed…
I’d have £7.35 now.
“Mum, why does everyone at school pick on me?”
“I’ve no idea, Someoneyourownsize.”
I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.
I just want to make a difference.
My nickname at school was Scarface.
I was really good at knitting.
Robber: “Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!’
Cashier (puzzled) “Did you mean to say “or you’re history?”
Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”
I would like to congratulate my niece on passing her mouth organ music exam.
Well done our Monica.
A friend passed his degree in sound engineering.
He got a 1-2-1-2.
A pirate I know just got his exam results.
High Cs.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It just wasn’t 2B.
What sort of exams do witches do?
Spelling tests.
What exams do vampire teachers set?
Blood tests.
Disappointed to fail my psychic exam.
Didn’t see that coming.
I always give 100%.
Which is why I lost my job as an exam marker.
Didn’t do well in my football teamwork exam.
I didn’t pass.
Bit nervous about my maths exam.
Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.
Question from my exam, “What is plagiarism?”
So I copied my answer from the person beside me.
Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”
A history degree is useless.
There’s no future in it.
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This Day in History: March 12th
Here are 10 historical events that took place on March 12th, listed in chronological order:
- 538 – Vitiges, the king of the Ostrogoths, ends his siege of Rome, and the city is spared from destruction.
- 1550 – Several hundred Spanish and indigenous allies under the command of Pedro de Valdivia defeat an army of 60,000 Mapuche at the Battle of Penco during the Arauco War in present-day Chile.
- 1864 – The Red River Campaign begins as a series of battles during the American Civil War.
- 1912 – The Girl Guides (later known as the Girl Scouts) is founded in the United States by Juliette Gordon Low.
- 1928 – In California, the St. Francis Dam fails, leading to a massive flood that kills over 600 people.
- 1938 – Anschluss: German troops enter Austria, completing the annexation of the country into Nazi Germany.
- 1940 – Winter War: Finland signs the Moscow Peace Treaty with the Soviet Union, ceding a significant portion of its territory.
- 1967 – The body of U.S. President John F. Kennedy is moved to a permanent burial place at Arlington National Cemetery.
- 1993 – Several bombs explode in Mumbai, India, killing over 250 people and injuring more than 700 in what becomes known as the 1993 Bombay bombings.
- 2003 – Elizabeth Smart, a teenager who had been abducted from her home in Utah, is found alive in Sandy, Utah, nine months after her disappearance.
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Gambling Jokes
I backed a horse last week at ten to one.
It came in at quarter past four.
Rehab Is for Quitters
My wife bet me I couldn’t do a butterfly impression.
I thought to myself, that’s got to be worth a little flutter!
They say one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction.
My money’s on Dave.
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
A gambling gardener usually hedges his bets.
“I once visited a bookmakers in the Himalayas.”
“Tibet?”
“Why else would I go?”
Got asked to leave the casino the other night.
They said I had a chip on my shoulder.
A gambler walks into the butcher shop and says to the assistant behind the counter, “I bet you $100 you can’t get that meat down from the top shelf without a ladder.”
The assistant looks up, turns to the gambler, and replies: “I’m afraid I can’t take that bet, sir. The steaks are too high.”
Gambling is really like eating pistachios.
If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one.
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more.
And that is gambling for you, in a nutshell.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
My friend’s poker game is getting out of hand.
Last night he bet his new-born son in a tense moment.
I thought to myself, “I’ve got aces; I might have to raise him.”
I put a bet on a horse because I was told it had excellent breeding.
After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
A friend of mine keeps insisting on skipping through flower meadows.
I think he has a gamboling problem.
Do you know what would make gambling hotlines better?
Make every 5th call a winner.
What do you call a professional poker player who broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
I was walking down the road earlier and I tripped over a sign from the local betting shop.
What are the odds on that?
Why is gambling illegal in China?
Because they hate Tibet.
What did the gambling addicts name their daughter?
Betty.
I’m going to an ABBA-themed poker night.
The winner takes it all.
Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet.
Because I lost my car in poker last night.
A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction.
It’s okay.
He’s a little better.
I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.
Maybe I should quit while I’m a head.
A queen was caught gambling.
She had a royal flush.
What do you call someone greater at gambling than you?
A better better.
I gambled on a giraffe race the other day.
Mine came second.
Lost by a neck.
It was nowhere near.
People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.
We now live in a one-bedroom flat.
Why don’t vampires like gambling?
They get nervous when the stakes are raised.
What does a gambling addict call heaven?
Pair-a-dice.
I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first.
It was a punt.
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many cheetahs.
What did the dealer say to the deck of cards?
I can’t deal with you anymore.
Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker?
They always fold.
And there’s more…
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The Sage Page 