Here’s some jokes ….

I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill.

These are the darkest days of my life.

If the number 666 is considered evil…

Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only two of us on the production line…

So I have to make every second Count.

My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub!

We’re going though a bit of a Rocky patch…

My mate works in a pub and likes to dress up as Mother Theresa.

It’s the best fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.

And sure enough he was eaten by his favourite lion last Friday.

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbour is dead against it.

I said “Do you want a game of Darts?”, he said “OK

then”, I said “Nearest to bull starts”. He said “Baa”,

I said “Moo”, he said “You’re closest”.

You can never ‘run’ through a campsite.

You can only ‘ran’ as it’s past tents…

Me: “Excuse me, are these ‘genetically modified’ carrots?”

Grocer: “No, why do you ask?”

Carrot: “Yeah, why do you ask?”.

Some Jokes for Monday.

I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it’s terminal.

I said to my boss, “Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”

He said, “It’s May.”

I said, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

Just ordered a takeaway from the local Chinese.

I ordered a 7, a 13, a 21 and a 33, unfortunately I had to take them all back though..

They tasted odd.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it…

Then my illegal logging business is a success!

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

I hate people that always need assurance.

Do you know what I mean?

I saw a poster that said, “Have you seen my cat?”

I rang the number and told them I haven’t.

I like to help where I can.

Sixteen Sodium atoms walk into a bar…

Followed by Batman.

I like to hit people on the knee to test their reflexes.

I don’t know why, but I get a kick out of it…

A bloke just knocked on my door, I opened it and he was about 3 foot 3 inches tall…

I said “who are you?”

He replied “I’m the meter man”

I’m having this recurring dream where I think I’m a horse.

Last five nights on the trot…

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Looking to understand if anyone else suffers from “I’m an insect syndrome”??

Just putting my feelers out…

Can’t believe I got fired on my first day as a signwirter…

Just watched a documentary all about Anne Boleyn…

There is no mention whatsoever of her sister Tenpin…

Friday’s Jokes.

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means!?

It’s not the end of the world!

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

I think the girlfriend’s got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I’ve just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

Went to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night.

Was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was mayhem.

My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.

I love felt tips.

My daughter keeps giving everyone in the house shocks from static electricity.

I’ve grounded her.

Due to a factory error, there’s a faulty batch of sun cream in the shops.

That’s going to cause a lot of red faces.

I had a goal to two lose stone by the end of the year.

Just three stone to go!

Just won my first cage fight!

The parrot didn’t know what hit it!

I went into a cake shop today and asked,
“Is that a custard or a meringue?”
She said “You’re not wrong, it’s a custard.”

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.

He said “Hello Sir, you are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too”.

I could see the problem… Bat flattery.

I locked myself out of the house earlier so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.

He said: “Me? How?”

Jokes of the day.

Farmers are leaving Facebook in droves. Every time they put down a post.

Somebody takes a fence.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I read a dictionary

By 03:00 I was past caring.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.

I’m not buying it.

I once dated a girl who had a six foot tall light switch in her bedroom.

It was a massive turn on…

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’ so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra.

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.

Do you want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

A paragraph on fear.

Fear is irrational and inappropriate.  Let’s try to rationalise it.  Firstly let’s recognise what fear is – a chemical reaction. The word fear stands for fantasies envisaged as real. And that’s just what they are. For in primitive times people lived by their fears and their biological instincts when faced with a threat was to fight or flee. The autonomic nervous system directed the organs and systems of the body to deal with a threatening situation by producing chemicals and directing the flow of blood and oxygen to the parts of the body that needed it most.  However this is inappropriate when there is no actual foe to fight or flee from.  So think good outcomes, big videos with positive emotions and anticipate good things!

The placebo and nocebo effect.

The placebo effect is a somewhat well known phenomenon. Imagine you take a group of people with a headache, you give them a mint pill but you tell them that it was an aspirin with mint flavour. What would happen? A few people will start feeling better; some may even stop having their headache. That is, even if they do not really take a pain killer, somehow, the fact that they think they are taking it actually changes the way they feel: they feel better. This is the placebo effect.

The nocebo effect is its evil twin and produces the opposite results. If you take a group of people that feel fine, and you give them a mint pill and tell them that it is going to give them nausea and a headache, there will be some people that will actually start feeling ill. Studies on the placebo and nocebo effect suggest that perception is not merely a result of external stimuli, but it is not yet clear how exactly our beliefs or expectations alter our perceptions. So thinking good thoughts and outcomes make you feel better!