A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He’s the new temp.
Me: licking lips in anticipation I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don’t lick my lips again.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
I just lost 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: ‘What’s the problem?’
The man says, ‘I think I’m becoming a kleptomaniac.’
The Psychiatrist says, ‘Here take these tablets and if you’re no better in a week…. bring me a 4K TV’.
What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?
One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.
What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad, and the other is a sad ballad.
What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, but the frogs croaks every night.
Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.
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