A big bag of jokes for Monday….

What I if told you….

…that you read the top line wrong.

At long last, I’ve got the job as Lighthouse Manager.

It took me ages to get to the top.

My friends accused me of being tight-fisted, so to prove them wrong I bought them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

As I handed my Dad his 80th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

My girlfriend has accused me of not having any empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.

The doc takes one look and he says, “Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here.”

The guy responds “this is just the tip of the iceberg.

What’s a specimen?

An Italian astronaut!

When it comes to cosmetic surgery…

a lot of people turn their noses up.

I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl…

My wife and I are both tightrope walkers.

We met online…

My wife insists she could see the face of Jesus in our tub of margarine…

I said “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha…”

We used to call my Grandad “Spider-Man”.

He didn’t possess any amazing superpowers, he just used to struggle to get out of the bath…

I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, “Yes, I’ve got a dog.”

She asked, “Would you like to insure him too?”

I said, “No thanks, he can’t drive!”

What do I know about bonsai trees ?

Very little.

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things…

“I went to Poole on holiday”

“In Dorset?”

“Yes I can thoroughly recommend it”…

I once used to date an archaeologist but I had to break up with her.

She just kept digging up the past…

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.

There’s no plaque.

Published by The Sage Page

Philosopher

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