Wednesday’s bottomless bucket of jokes


Elton John’s E-reader device has been blown away by a tropical storm

Like a Kindle in the wind.

Bono phoned me the other day to invite me out for dinner in London.

He said ‘I fancy chinese, where do you recommend ?’

I replied ‘Chinatown is good, it’s where the streets have chow mein…’

A guy I know called Paul Young was accused of allegedly shoplifting from the butchers several times in one week.

The butcher said to him ‘every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you…’

My wife said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!

I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.

I’ve been banned from our local petrol station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo…

I won’t get fuelled again.

Did you know that for 400 years the third letter of the alphabet didn’t exist?

Long time, no C…

After a terrible time with Diarrhoea and a long struggle with Hypercholesterolemia

I finally won the spelling contest.

I’ve decided to start a magazine dedicated to ice cream!

I’ve just had my first scoop!

I just slipped on the floor of the local library..

I was in the non-friction section.

A furniture store keeps calling me.

But all I wanted was one night stand.

Pink Panthers to do list:

To do
To do
To do, to do, to do
To do, to doooo

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day..

She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?”

I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.

It’s a little fit bunny.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

How does a hamburger introduce his wife?

Meat patty.

Who hides in the bathroom at parties?

The party-pooper.

As a kid I wasn’t a fan of facial hair.

But then it started to grow on me.

My wife has decided to transform herself into a giant bumblebee.

At first I told myself it wouldn’t make any difference and I would stay.

Then I saw her face…

I hate it when I’m singing to a song on the radio and the artist gets the lyrics wrong!

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane!

My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.

It put me in a very difficult position

I thought my girlfriend was happy to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

“Does this uniform make me look fat?”

Insecurity Guard

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

You don’t see many philosopher puns on here…

I suppose it’s a bit of a Nietzsche market…

My Grandad was always going on about the good old days when you could leave your doors open etc.

Lovely man, terrible submarine Captain…

I was so worried the mechanic would rip me off because I confessed I knew nothing about cars…

Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid.

Published by The Sage Page


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