BREAKING NEWS!
Elton John’s E-reader device has been blown away by a tropical storm
Like a Kindle in the wind.
Bono phoned me the other day to invite me out for dinner in London.
He said ‘I fancy chinese, where do you recommend ?’
I replied ‘Chinatown is good, it’s where the streets have chow mein…’
A guy I know called Paul Young was accused of allegedly shoplifting from the butchers several times in one week.
The butcher said to him ‘every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you…’
My wife said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!
I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.
I’ve been banned from our local petrol station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo…
I won’t get fuelled again.
Did you know that for 400 years the third letter of the alphabet didn’t exist?
Long time, no C…
After a terrible time with Diarrhoea and a long struggle with Hypercholesterolemia
I finally won the spelling contest.
I’ve decided to start a magazine dedicated to ice cream!
I’ve just had my first scoop!
I just slipped on the floor of the local library..
I was in the non-friction section.
A furniture store keeps calling me.
But all I wanted was one night stand.
Pink Panthers to do list:
To do
To do
To do, to do, to do
To do, to doooo
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day..
She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?”
I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”
Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.
It’s a little fit bunny.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
How does a hamburger introduce his wife?
Meat patty.
Who hides in the bathroom at parties?
The party-pooper.
As a kid I wasn’t a fan of facial hair.
But then it started to grow on me.
My wife has decided to transform herself into a giant bumblebee.
At first I told myself it wouldn’t make any difference and I would stay.
Then I saw her face…
I hate it when I’m singing to a song on the radio and the artist gets the lyrics wrong!
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane!
My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position
I thought my girlfriend was happy to fully repair my jeans.
Or at least sew its seams.
“Does this uniform make me look fat?”
Insecurity Guard
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
You don’t see many philosopher puns on here…
I suppose it’s a bit of a Nietzsche market…
My Grandad was always going on about the good old days when you could leave your doors open etc.
Lovely man, terrible submarine Captain…
I was so worried the mechanic would rip me off because I confessed I knew nothing about cars…
Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid.
The Sage Page 