Sometimes I hide my girlfriend’s inhaler…
The neighbours think I’m a stud when they hear her panting heavily “Give it to me!”
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.
If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same.
Then you’ll have a match.
I’m 60 days clean now.
It’s been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.
Trainee: I’ve helped prepare the curry for you
Chef: How exactly?
Trainee: I turned the butter into ghee
Chef: Thanks for clarifying
If today has taught me three things, it’s that I should write more stuff down and two other things.
Me and the girlfriend bought a waterbed to spice up our love life.
It doesn’t work though!
We’ve drifted further apart.
I bought a battery powered clock today.
When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.
I thought “This is a wind up!”
Forecast for tonight: Dark
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.
They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.
He was wearing a cat flap.
When I told my girlfriend I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.
Then I saw the grenade in her hand!
My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday…
I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’ when I give it to her later…
Yorkshire proofreaders…
Fighting the war on t’error…
Went to the shops in Yorkshire, I asked where I could find towels and was given directions to a bird sanctuary…
My wife is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu songs…
She makes me want to shout…
I’ve just opened an ‘Elvis Presley themed’ steak house.
It’s aimed at people who love meat tender…
I just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland!
Quid each!
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