Wednesday’s waterfall of wonderment …

My wife is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu.

She makes me want to shout…

My wife asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’

I said ‘slim to nun’

Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker.

So now I’ve got this annoying Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go!

My wife bought a new oven glove in a bright yellow colour.

I kept making puns about it, and now she’s not talking to me.

I probably did take it too far, I mustard mitt…

Someone stole all my next door neighbours grass last night.

He’s out there now looking forlorn…

A bike in town keeps running me over…

It’s a vicious cycle.

What is the best kind of oil to massage your enemies with?

Turmoil.

I used to hate my job standing on one corner of the room, blowing air at people.

Now I’m a big fan.

I saw an onion ring…

So I answered it.

I’ve just been diagnosed colour blind.

I know .. it’s certainly came out of the purple.

I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.

He didn’t care.

I keep saying ‘Welsh rabbit’ instead of ‘Welsh rarebit’

Think I’m suffering from mixing my toasties…

I was just looking at my ceiling.

Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.