Monday’s make-up magnum of manky mascara ….

I was shocked at price of those ‘Ancestry DNA kits’, so rather than spend £150, I just announced that I had won the lottery…

I quickly found out who my relatives were!

Need to find out the cost of buying one of those Elizabethan circular neck garments for a fancy dress party.

Can anyone give me a ruff estimate?

Just seen Elvis in B&Q.

Returned a sander.

“Does this uniform make me look fat?” – insecurity guard.

Just bought a low energy light bulbfrom B&Q.

Assistant asked “Will you be putting this up yourself?”

I said “No its going in the lounge”

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.

A boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia.

Doc “Have you tried counting sheep?”

Boxer “Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up”

I was at the Ideal Home Exhibition when one of the exhibitors asked me if I wanted to see a model home.

I said “Sure, no problem, what time does she finish.”

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

I used to be a mime. It’s only now I can talk about it.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Published by The Sage Page


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