I was shocked at price of those ‘Ancestry DNA kits’, so rather than spend £150, I just announced that I had won the lottery…
I quickly found out who my relatives were!
Need to find out the cost of buying one of those Elizabethan circular neck garments for a fancy dress party.
Can anyone give me a ruff estimate?
Just seen Elvis in B&Q.
Returned a sander.
“Does this uniform make me look fat?” – insecurity guard.
Just bought a low energy light bulbfrom B&Q.
Assistant asked “Will you be putting this up yourself?”
I said “No its going in the lounge”
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
A boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia.
Doc “Have you tried counting sheep?”
Boxer “Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up”
I was at the Ideal Home Exhibition when one of the exhibitors asked me if I wanted to see a model home.
I said “Sure, no problem, what time does she finish.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I used to be a mime. It’s only now I can talk about it.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.