Just say NO to negativity.
I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Battered women: Sounds delicious; doesn’t make it right.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
I’m against picketing, but I’ve got no way to show it.
Quite difficult to get a job at Citroen.
Had to send them 2 CVs.
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as Neon.
Someone told me it looked terrible. I didn’t react.
Not sure about my new sat nav.
I was in the local safari park, and it said bear left.
It was clearly an elephant.
Local tennis club’s website is down.
I think they are having problems with their server.
A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle
I said to my mate “its going to kick off in a minute”
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.
The people of Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
I’ve started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines…
Prophets are going through the roof.
To the person who stole my place in the queue…
I’m after you now.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, “Is this stool taken?”
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
To the guy that found my empty wallet …
I don’t know how to repay you.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?
If you do, please give me a shout.
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather; Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
I was telling a Border Collie some jokes about sheep, but he’d herd them all before…
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician.
You’ll never hear the end of it…
I’m going out covered in meaty chunks, gravy and biscuits.
My wife just said “Where are you off to dressed up like a dogs dinner?”.
A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house.
I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!
It turns out my chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
“Where’s the self-help section?”
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
My son has taken up meditation – at least it’s better than sitting doing nothing…
The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together…
I’ve made a telescope from old fish finger boxes…
Now I get a birds eye view of everything.
Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.
What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?
I was going to post about anti-climaxes, but in the end I didn’t.
Doctor: Drink a glass of milk after a hot bath.
Patient: No doctor, I don’t think I’ll have space left.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
Muhammad Ali DVD collection.
George Foreman grill.
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day…
Just received an invoice from the Origami Society…
I’m not sure what to make of it?
‘Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat!’
‘How long have you felt like this?’
‘Ever since I was a kid!’
I used to work at a cats home, but I had to leave, they reduced meowers…
“Doctor can you help me, I’ve grown 5 testicles!“
“How does your underwear fit?”
“Like a glove…”
The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.
I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, although it’s only mild.
Been sat here waiting for my mates prostate exam for 3 hours now.
Somebody wants to pull their bloody finger out!
I know she ate a worm but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate…
I keep meaning to stop procrastinating.
A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.
Yeah . . .right.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat. )
Broken guitar for sale – no strings attached.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
Got one of those memory foam pillows last week…
It’s rubbish, I’ve forgotten where I put it.
I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait…
Her answer may shock you!
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They’re both cauldron.
QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Give a scouser a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he’ll steal your car keys from your hall table.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise.
The librarian says, “Sure, what Volume would you like?”
I suppose I better get up, get ready and hit the gym.
Sorry typo, I meant gin.
I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.
I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
I don’t believe in sceptics.
My girlfriend said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’
The wedding invite said: ‘The Sage +1’.
So I turned up an hour late.
If 2×2 makes 4,
and 3×3 makes 9,
how come 0x0 makes gravy?
Me: “These orthodox shoes are great.”
Wife: “It’s ‘orthopaedic’ shoes.”
Me: “I stand corrected.”
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones….or sex parties.
My mate Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
I just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop…
They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.
I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…
I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.
Wrote a play about weather, we had 5 actors dressed as clouds for the rehearsal.
On opening night 6 clouds turned up..
It was overcast!
My dad makes plastic letters for toilet doors…
He’s certainly got an I for the ladies.
Is it wrong that i really enjoy running geese over?
It gives me goose bumps…
There was a fight in the local fish shop last night.
Two fish got battered.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t.
The other day I hugged a clown and it felt like a nice jester.
Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
Why Did The Mexican Push His Wife Off The Cliff ?
I would like to congratulate my niece on passing her mouth organ music exam.
Well done our Monica.
I’m trying to find someone to give a lecture on pregnancy in large mammals but no one wants to talk about the elephant in the womb…
Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is!
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’.
You probably saw our posters.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I used to enjoy dressing up as a nun occasionally, but now I can’t seem to get out of the habit…
Just spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do…
“I had nightmares last night because I ate too much liquorice before I went to bed….”
“What were you dreaming about ?”
To the person who stole my mattress; I won’t rest till I find you…
Legend has it that Fred Astaire opened the oven door once and his treacle sponge exploded…
He had pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails…
Someone’s smashed up all the Chinese dumplings I was going to have for my dinner…
It was an act of wonton destruction.
I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said “This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?”
I replied “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”
I had a vinyl album called “Wasp Noises”, but when I played the first track it didn’t sound like a wasp and the second track didn’t sound like a wasp either…
Then I realised I was playing the B side…
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
It’s a complex complex complex.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I saw an advert today for burial plots.
I thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
I can’t get enough minimalism.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Q: What do you call a man who lives in an envelope?
An optimist is a person who doesn’t understand the enormity of the problem.
I didn’t understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down…
And then the penne dropped.
I’m suing my local fishmongers for selling undersized shellfish.
I’m going to take them to the small clams court…
I’ve been up all night trying to find a great pun for today…
And then it dawned on me.
My window cleaner passed away recently.
Just made contact with him again using a squeegee board…
I’ve got a problem with insects in my house so I bought some flypapers,
Now I’ve got fifteen of them reading the sports section…
People saying “BOO!!!” to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year…
That’s a frightening statistic.
Did you know, if you put a fish in your ear, you can hear the sound of the fishmonger telling you to put it down and leave his shop…
Two clowns got divorced.
They couldn’t agree on who had the rights to their props.
I’ve had a hard time figuring out why I don’t consider cottage cheese truly “cheese”.
But it’s just a curd to me.
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…
My friend has written a book about equine dentistry.
I asked him how he found his information and he told me it was straight from the horses mouth…
I once met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in our local park…
She sells C cells by the seesaw…
I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.
He didn’t care.
Yes it is.
Is time travel possible?
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
Cadbury’s have brought out a new box of chocolates for inconsiderate people.
They’re self centred!
Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs?..
From Jason’s Donner Van.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather .
Kinky = using the whole chicken.
I have a phobia of bows and arrows.
The thought of them makes me quiver…
I’m going to write a novel set on an allotment…
I just need to find a decent plot…
I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
What do you call a hotel breakfast that gives you diarrhoea?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually it was more of a spell check.
I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.
They’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.
As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears.
After that, I was terrified of cockroaches.
If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus.
I once took the p out of a pirate
It made him very angry…
I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in.
I hate my surname, Potato.
Although not as much as my sister Jackie does.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in hot oil.
I asked him “Are you the friar?”
He replied “No, I’m the chip monk…”
Just been to the doctors and told him I was finishing crossword puzzles too quickly.
He replied ” try not to get two down”
I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn
But after therapy..
I’ve managed to conker it.
2 boys have been stopped by police for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill
A police spokesman said “those boys were Dyson with death”
If you’ve never worn a blindfold when playing darts before then you should try it,
You don’t know what you’re missing.
Q) What do you get when you cut a Policeman’s Head in 4 Pieces?
A) Police Head Quarters..
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it’s diameter?
Just sneezed all over my toast.
I can’t believe it… snot butter.
What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?
I just want to know the cut off date.
Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject.
These days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.
2 policemen knocked on my door last night.
They said “we’ve been getting complaints”
“You should start doing a better job then!” I replied
Just bought a low energy light bulb from B&Q.
Assistant asked “Will you be putting this up yourself?”
I said “No its going in the lounge”
I’m fed up with vegetarians interrogating me about my eating habits…
It’s like the spinach inquisition!
I’ve been for an interview to train as an underwater escapologist…
They said they’ll get back to me but I’m not holding my breath.