I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.
I was like Omg …
After kissing a girl on her sofa she said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”
“Okay,” I said, ” You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus.
I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.
The first time I had sex it was in my parent’s bedroom.
My wife said, “This is a bit awkward.” I said, “Just ignore them.”
A furniture store keeps calling me.
But all I wanted was one night stand.
He said – Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said – Well, you succeeded.
I once dated a girl with fiery red hair and a pale white thin body.
We met on match.com
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.
We had a big falling out though, and now she won’t give me the time of day…
As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.
That’s when I realized I’d drugged the wrong glass.
When a girl changes clothes in front of you, she is really into you.
Or she hasn’t spotted you in the cupboard yet.
My mate has got a new wife called Peg.
He met her online.
I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
I met my wife on Tinder.
That was awkward.
I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”
I asked, “Are you single??”
She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”
I met my wife at ‘Castanets Club’.
We clicked straight away…
I went to a fancy dress party last weekend dressed as a loaf of bread…
The birds were all over me.
I used to go out with a girl whose left eye was missing.
She was a right looker…
I used to go out with a javelin thrower.
But then she chucked me.
Don’t date a tennis player – love means nothing to them.
I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.
When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.
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