Dating Jokes

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.

I was like Omg …

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”

“Okay,” I said, ” You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus.

I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

The first time I had sex it was in my parent’s bedroom.

My wife said, “This is a bit awkward.” I said, “Just ignore them.”

A furniture store keeps calling me.

But all I wanted was one night stand.

He said – Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said – Well, you succeeded.

I once dated a girl with fiery red hair and a pale white thin body.

We met on match.com

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.

We had a big falling out though, and now she won’t give me the time of day…

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That’s when I realized I’d drugged the wrong glass.

When a girl changes clothes in front of you, she is really into you.

Or she hasn’t spotted you in the cupboard yet.

My mate has got a new wife called Peg.

He met her online.

I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

I met my wife on Tinder.

That was awkward.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”

I asked, “Are you single??”

She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”

I met my wife at ‘Castanets Club’.

We clicked straight away…

I went to a fancy dress party last weekend dressed as a loaf of bread…

The birds were all over me.

I used to go out with a girl whose left eye was missing.

She was a right looker…

I used to go out with a javelin thrower.

But then she chucked me.

Don’t date a tennis player – love means nothing to them.

I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.

When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the logo below…. (thanks in advance)