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Halloween Jokes
Why don’t ghosts like parties?
They have nobody to dance with…
A local farmer thought his chicken coop was haunted.
He had to call the eggsocist.
I think the ghost in the chicken coop was a poultrygheist.
A local chap failed to pay the exorcist and ended up getting repossessed.
I threw a ghostly boomerang ten years ago, and then it ended up appearing from nowhere and hitting me.
I knew it would come back to haunt me.
Heard two witches telling jokes.
Broom broom.
Ghosts are rubbish at lying.
You can see right through them.
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one.
They change them into frogs.
What do you do if zombies are attacking your house?
Surround it with treadmills.
A baby mouse went home on Halloween after seeing a bat and told his mum he’d seen an angel.
I’ve noticed that ghosts in lifts always seem to be happy.
I think it raises the spirits.
I don’t like haunted houses, I’m afraid.
A house near me is haunted by a ghost that only moves horizontally.
It’s a spirit level.
A ghost walks into a bar.
The barman says “who ordered a spirit?”
I’m reading a book about poltergeists.
It’s a real page-turner.
Read a book called “Wooooooooh”.
I suspect it was written by a ghostwriter.
A wizard asked me to proofread one of his scrolls last week.
Actually, it was more of a spell check.
I recently published a book about poltergeists…
It’s doing really well, been flying off the shelves.
“I’ve just got a job as a conductor on a ghost train”
“Brilliant! How’s it going?”
“Oh, it’s tickety boo, thanks.”
I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost.
To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door…
The Medusa once asked me to do a comedy gig for her victims…
They were a hard crowd.
I recently bought 51% of a vampire-hunting company…
I’m now the main stakeholder.
What sort of exams do witches do?
Spelling tests.
What exams do vampire teachers set?
Blood tests.
Disappointed to fail my psychic exam.
Didn’t see that coming.
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
Me: Doctor, I’ve been bitten by a wolf.
Doc: Where?
Me: No, just a normal one
A large crystal ball for sale. £50, but you will haggle me down to £35.
Got stuck in a queue behind Satan looking for mortgages.
Took ages, for the devil takes many forms.
Terrible night last night.
Dreamt something bit me on the neck.
Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.
Why can’t male fortune tellers have children?
They have crystal balls.
Dracula always read the best-selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
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Quote of the Day: More on Hope
“Hope is a waking dream.”
Aristotle
To continue my recent theme on hope, today I go back to 4th Century Athens, and one of the great philosophers of all time, Aristotle. I like this quote as Aristotle somehow makes hope into an active emotion, taking it from the subconscious mind into the conscious and making our goals purposeful.
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Joke of the Day: Dinosaurs (Again!)
What did the one-eyed dinosaur say to his dog?
Doyouthinkhesaurus, Rex?
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Thought of the Day: Alarm Clocks
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Quote of the Day: Finding Hope
“I think it’s a mistake to ever look for hope outside of one’s self.”
Arthur Miller
Arthur Miller was an American playwright who wrote “Death of a Salesman” and was Marilyn Monroe’s first husband. Miller expressed hope as an emotion that we should harbour and cherish in ourselves, and not look for it in the people around us. Do you agree?
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Dinosaur Jokes
Ready to stomp into laughter? Our dinosaur joke collection brings prehistoric puns to life with clever wordplay and witty punchlines. Whether you love a good T‑rex quip or enjoy puns about Triceratops and their fellow giants, this page is packed with jokes that will take you on a dino‑sized adventure. Perfect for kids, families, and everyone who enjoys a little Cretaceous comedy—prepare to roar with laughter!
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An Eyesaur.
A friend asked me which writer had the best dinosaur stories.
I suggested he try Sarah Topps.
Local museum has a new dinosaur exhibit.
Don’t know if it will be popular.
Remains to be seen.
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.
Why did archaeopteryx catch the worm?
It was an early bird.
How do you ask a dinosaur if he wants a break?
Tea, Rex?
Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road?
He hadn’t evolved into a chicken yet.
Thought I’d found a dinosaur skeleton but it turned out to be a fossil arm.
What dinosaur makes most noise when he is a sleep?
Tyrannosnorus
What sort of dinosaur never gives up?
A try-try-triceratops
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
The thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, defunct, superseded, disappeared, exterminated, gone, deceased…
And there’s more ….
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Thought of the Day: Mysteries
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Quote of the Day: Hope
“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.”
Jonas Salk
Jonas Salk was a 20th Century American virologist who developed one of the first successful polio vaccines, this discovery saved millions of lives. I love this quote. Dream BiG. And then act BIG and never give up on your dreams. Who knows, your dreams may change the world for the better.
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Thought of the Day: Bagpipes
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