Joke of the Day: Numbers

If the number 666 is considered evil…

Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

At an interview.. First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”,

Me: “Not very good with numbers”

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless.

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five, and seven.

Pirate Leader: Men, I need to know how to say the number 2 in Roman numerals.

Crew: I I captain.

My pet snake is exactly 3.14 metres long.

He’s a πthon.

I got a three-foot-long ruler at a yard sale.

A roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “five beers please”.

A friend played for a team called the Musketeers.

They started the season with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4-all.

The local pie shop almost never closes.

It’s 22/7.

Following a recipe, says I need: apples, five cubed.

125 sounds like a lot of apples for a pie…

Did you hear about the snowman who got cooled down to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, and those who do not.

Inside one in every 3.14 onions is an opinion.

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Thought of the Day: Kidnap

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Quote of the Day: Life

“May you live every day of your life.”

Jonathan Swift

Jonathan Swift was an 18th Century Irish writer best known for the novel “Gulliver’s Travels”, although he was a prolific writer of poems, essays, pamphlets, prayers, and sermons. This quote reminds us there is a difference between being alive and living. Being alive is a passivity, living is an activity. Actively live today!

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Joke of the Day: Toilet Paper

During the recent toilet paper shortage, I had to resort to using a calendar to wipe with…

I’m glad those days are behind me now.

In our house, we always fight over the right way round to hang the toilet paper, so my therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week.

You know, roll reversal…

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles so I’ve signed a partition…

Went to an ABBA theme pub last night. The toilets were amazing…

What a loo!

I’ve just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket!

I’m ok though, just soft tissue damage….

I once got struck by lightning while sitting on the toilet!

That was a real shock to the cistern…

I bought a toilet brush yesterday.

But I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper.

My dad makes plastic letters for toilet doors…

He’s certainly got an I for the ladies.

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Thought of the Day: The Sky

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Quote of the Day: Laughter

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

Nicolas Chamfort

Nicolas Chamfort was an 18th Century French writer who had a rather tragic end to his life during the final throws of the excesses of the French Revolution when after a failed suicide attempt, he was left scarred and in pain for his final days. That said, this quote holds still true, and if we don’t receive the gift of laughter from others, then we must give this gift to ourselves and those around us! TODAY … give that gift!

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Joke of the Day: The Ocean

How deep would the ocean be without sponges?

I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis-laced brownies to the seabirds.

No tern was left unstoned.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore…

Surely that’s the worst possible place to try and sell shells?!

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

Welcome to Sea Life Bingo.

Eyes down for your first number.

Clickety click, dolphin with a stutter.

I enjoyed my first time ever bobbing up and down in the sea yesterday…

It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy…

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

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Thought of the Day: Transport

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Quote of the Day: Change

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Mahatma Gandhi

This quote, for me, is all about ownership. Owning the change that you would like to make and not waiting for others to make it for you. Facillitate, impress, encourage and, if necessary, cajole, but make it happen yourself! And then be the exemplar of that change for others to follow.

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Joke of the Day: Name the Man

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