Cheesy Pizza Jokes: Puns, One-liners, and Dough-lightful Humor

Slice into Some Cheesy Pizza Jokes!
Who doesn’t love a good pizza? Whether it’s a thin crust, deep dish, or loaded with toppings, pizza brings joy to everyone’s plate. But we’re here to add even more fun to the mix—with a dash of humor! Our collection of cheesy pizza jokes is sure to make you laugh as much as you love that extra mozzarella. So grab a slice, sit back, and enjoy these piping hot puns, saucy one-liners, and dough-lightful jokes that will have you rolling in laughter!

I wasn’t expecting the pizza delivery guy to turn up tonight wearing a Gloria Gaynor face mask!

At first, I was afraid…

What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?

One is easy to cheat, and the other is cheesy to eat.

“I’m here to collect my pizza”

“Would you like olives?”

“No, just mine.”

Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at Pizza Hut?

He works in the crust station.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza long before it was cool.

I was arguing with a friend in Pizza Hut the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table, and ran off.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

My local pizzeria has just made the world’s largest pizza base. I’d like to see someone top that.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza.

Should have used aloha temperature.

I have been trying to write a new pizza joke but I can’t work out the delivery…

I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.

He wasn’t happy.

Chap goes to collect his pizza and asks if he wants it cut into six or twelve pieces.

“Six”, he says, “I could never eat twelve”.

I would tell you a joke about pizza toppings but it’s too cheesy.

The best way to stop a pizza curling is to hide its brush.

I called a local pizza place the other night and said,

“Do you do takeaways?”

They said “Yes”, so I said “What’s 23452 minus 345?”

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?

A pepper only pizza.

What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?

The anti-crust.

As I was preparing to leave Pizza Hut the waitress asked me, “Do you wanna a box for the rest of your pizza?”

I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for it.”

My local pizza place just folded.

Now they serve calzones.

What did the Romans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars.

Thank God we don’t need to hunt for food anymore.

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild.

A pizza walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

Did you hear about the Italian chef?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.

It was a farfalle from grace.

I asked the waiter if my pizza would be long.

He said, “No sir, it’ll be round.”

I went to the doctor and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I asked: “What like pizzas or burgers?”

He replied: “No fatty. Just don’t eat anything.”

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

My pizza.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant.

I can’t pull anything out in time!

A Buddhist walks into a pizza parlour.

He says, “Make me one with everything.”

I got pizza for everyone the day I started my new job as manager.

It was my first order of business.

Did I tell you my pizza joke?

Oh, you probably wouldn’t like it. It’s pretty cheesy.

I deliver pizzas.

Just in case you don’t like liver.

I only added a few toppings on my pizza.

There wasn’t mushroom.

The funniest part of any pizza joke…

Is the delivery.

What did one Italian say to another when fighting?

“You wanna pizza me?”

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

I was going to get a pizza delivered.

Then I realized pizzas don’t have livers.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who joined the army?

He wanted a pizza the action.

What’s the relationship between people buying pizza and people selling it?

They both want each other’s dough.

What’s the worlds saddest pizza?

Pepperlonely.

I just burned a thousand calories in twelve minutes!

I forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

A blonde walks into a takeaway and asks the woman behind the counter, “Can I have a pepperoni pizza please?”

The woman states, “Ma’am this is a library.”

The blonde whispers, “Oh sorry, can I have a pepperoni pizza please?”

What did the Italian man have for dinner?

A little pizza this and a little pizza that.

How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp, and even.

Why did the pizza-maker ask for a raise?

He kneaded more dough.

What’s the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?

Skinning the vegan.

How do you make a musician’s car more aerodynamic?

You take the pizza delivery sign off.

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That’s a Moray.

After many years of studying art at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD.

Or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

When we make pizza at home it’s my wife’s job to shred the cheese.

She’s the gratist.

The volume of a pizza with thickness a and radius z is:

Pi * z * z * a.

I cut my pizza into 7 bits.

I haven’t had a byte yet.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too.

Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza.

I think it’s starting to become a Domino effect.

Why did Medusa order pizza?

Her boyfriend was stoned.

An ambulance is like a pizza delivery.

If they’re late the delivery ends up cold.

I have a joke about pizza and a broken pencil.

Unfortunately it’s cheesy and pointless.

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, “Let me through, let me through.”

A man at the front said, “Thank God for that, are you a doctor?”

I said, “No, that’s my pizza.”

“You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition,” the doctor told his patient. “We’re going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you’ll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza.”

“Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?” asked the patient.

“No,” replied the doctor. “They’re the only things we can slip under the door.”

What’s the difference between pizza and my pizza jokes?

My pizza jokes can’t be topped.

And that’s not all ….

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Quote of the Day: Science

“Science is what you know. Philosophy is what you don’t know”

Bertrand Russell

I have a love of both science and philosophy and have been, and still am, a student of each. To “know” something in science you must exhaustedly try to falsify the theory, and when you can’t, you take the theory to be factual. In philosophy, you often attempt to shed light on the unanswerable questions which can’t be falsified. Each discipline has its place.

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Thought of the Day: Leonardo Da Vinci

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Joke of the Day: Manufacturing

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Quote of the Day: Life

“Life must be understood backward. But it must be lived forward ”

Søren Kierkegaard

Kierkegaard was a 19th Century Danish philosopher who was dubbed “the father of existentialism.” This quote reminds me of reflective wisdom. Wisdom is always the thing we receive just after we needed it! Perhaps that is why some of our decisions seem unwise on reflection?

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Quote of the Day: Wisdom

“Even while they teach, men learn”

Seneca the Younger

You can read a quote several times and it is just a quote, but when you explain it to someone else its true meaning becomes apparent. Through teaching, discussion, and argument information becomes knowledge. When the knowledge is applied it becomes wisdom!

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Dating Jokes

Swipe Right for Laughter: A Collection of Dating Jokes

Navigate the sometimes bumpy dating world with a smile—our selection of dating jokes is your perfect match. Whether you’re nostalgic for awkward first date blunders or love clever one-liners about romance, these jokes bring relatable humour for singles, couples, and everyone in between. Ideal for lightening the mood or breaking the ice, this collection is guaranteed to elicit smiles, giggles, and maybe even a playful ‘LOL’ on a date night!

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out.

I was like OMg …

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”

“Okay,” I said, ” You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus.

I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

The first time I had sex it was in my parent’s bedroom.

My wife said, “This is a bit awkward.” I said, “Just ignore them.”

A furniture store keeps calling me.

But all I wanted was one night stand.

He said – Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said – Well, you succeeded.

I once dated a girl with fiery red hair and a pale white thin body.

We met on match.com

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.

We had a big falling out though, and now she won’t give me the time of day…

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That’s when I realized I’d drugged the wrong glass.

When a girl changes clothes in front of you, she is really into you.

Or she hasn’t spotted you in the cupboard yet.

My mate has got a new wife called Peg.

He met her online.

I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

I met my wife on Tinder.

That was awkward.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”

I asked, “Are you single??”

She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”

I met my wife at ‘Castanets Club’.

We clicked straight away…

I went to a fancy dress party last weekend dressed as a loaf of bread…

The birds were all over me.

I used to go out with a girl whose left eye was missing.

She was a right looker…

I used to go out with a javelin thrower.

But then she chucked me.

Don’t date a tennis player – love means nothing to them.

I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.

When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.

And that’s not all ….

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Quote of the Day: Change

“One cannot step twice in the same river”

Heraclitus

I came across this quote for the first time 10 years ago and it has stayed with me ever since. Heraclitus proposes that in life nothing stays the same. If we put our foot in a river, then take it out before returning it again, the original water has moved on downstream, so it is a new river into which we place our foot. He even surmises that in that short space of time our foot is not the same as it has grown marginally older! I love this quote as it encourages us to embrace change because change is inevitable anyway.

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Crime Jokes

Crime Doesn’t Pay—But These Jokes Do!

Step into the lighter side of law enforcement with our crackling collection of crime jokes. Whether you’re a true-crime aficionado or just enjoy a good laugh about bungling burglars and pun-loving policemen, this page delivers quick-witted punchlines and clever crime-themed quips. From courtroom capers to heist hijinks, these jokes are the perfect way to lighten the mood—no investigation needed.

Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s handbag, so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually.

The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why.

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking”.

I’ve just stolen a load of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo…

I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”.

He’s a small arms dealer.

A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night.

Police are currently scouring the area…

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.

Our local chiropodist has been arrested as he keeps stealing small pieces of nails after treating patients.

He’s a clipped toe maniac…

My dad said he was going to set me up for life.

Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

Prison may be just one word.

But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

I had to interrogate a duck once.

Eventually, he quacked under the pressure…

I went bobsleighing last night.

Killed fifteen people called Bob.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

The guy who stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

The police knocked at my door last night…

“Sorry for troubling you sir, but can we have a quick word?”

I said, “Velocity?”

A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses, one made of straw & the other made of wood.

Police think that it’s probably a lone wolf.

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.

They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

A gang has been caught smuggling jacket potatoes through customs.

They would have gotten away with it but they were foiled.

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he’s decided to stick it out for another year!

Just got 15 Valentines cards!

It’s left me completely breathless.

That security guard at Clinton Cards gave quite a chase.

Last year I had to steal something to stir my pancake batter with…

But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I’m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.

How could I stoop so low?

Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter.

How dairy!

Somebody stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay – you have my Word.

Thank goodness I went to a psychic, she told me someone was going to swindle me out of some money.

Best 100 quid I’ve ever spent.

My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands…

She’s a vigilauntie.

News just in:

Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.

They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.

I got stopped for speeding by a woman police officer.

I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.

Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”

I got pulled over by a traffic policeman.

He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

A load of irons were stolen from a launderette…

Police want to do a press conference.

A thief stole the wheels off my car last night.

I’m working tirelessly to catch him.

Don’t talk to me about stealing clothes from washing lines…

I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt…

A warning to the person who stole my glasses.

I have contacts!

I remember when you went to a newsagent with £1 and left with 2 bags of crisps, a chocolate bar, and a magazine.

Nowadays, CCTV is everywhere!

Breaking News!

Police are warning of a large volume of fake passports and photo driving licences hitting the black market this month.

Beware the IDs of March…

Worried about someone trying to steal my xylophone.

I’ve taken percussions.

I’ve been offered a job teaching poetry in prisons.

I’m considering all the prose and cons…

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: ‘What’s the problem?’

The man says, ‘I think I’m becoming a kleptomaniac.’

The Psychiatrist says, ‘Here take these tablets and if you’re no better in a week…. bring me a 4K TV’.

Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him…

He has a history of violins…

I reckon I’m a wanted man for using too much coconut shampoo…

It’s like there’s a bounty on my head…

No one seems to kidnap cheesy 90s pop groups anymore…

I’ve taken Steps to rectify this…

Police want to interview a man suspected of burglary wearing stockings and suspenders…

However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.

I saw a van with a “No tools left in this van overnight” sticker on the back.

So I broke in during the day.

I bought a book on eBay called “How to scam idiots on eBay”

That was 3 months ago, and it’s still not arrived yet!

A guy I know called Paul Young was accused of allegedly shoplifting from the butchers several times in one week.

The butcher said to him ‘every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you…’

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

My mate is a professional counterfeiter.

He’s got loads of certificates to prove it.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Now I’m a lot more successful.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that…

To the scumbag that stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my shop!

I don’t know how you can sleep at night.

The police rang me earlier to say they’d recovered my stolen three-piece suite!

Which was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty

My mate Sid’s been a victim of ID theft.

He’s now called ‘S’

I saw a sign on the train saying “Please give this seat to an elderly person”.

So I unscrewed it and took it round to my granddad’s house…

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern!

Police raided Kermit’s lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.

They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

To the lad who stole my weight loss pills…

You’ll have nothing to gain.

If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”

Saying, “It’s ‘WHOM shall I shoot first?'” is not the best answer.

I’ll never forget my gran’s final words to me. “

What are you doing with that hammer!?”

What do you say to a man who’s just stolen your gate?

Nothing. He might take a fence.

Someone stole all my next-door neighbour’s grass last night.

He’s out there now looking forlorn…

Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police haven’t got a lead.

A burglar broke into our house last night. I didn’t shoot him.

I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

I went into the Police station and saw a man with three stripes on his arm and a trifle on his head…

He was the custardy sergeant.

What did the police officer say to his belly?

You’re under a vest!!!

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.

I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots…

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years.

BREAKING NEWS!

Thieves broke into WH Smiths last night and stole A4 files, folders, poly pockets, and dividers.

Police are looking for a gang of organised criminals…

Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.

Police think it was the work of rug addicts.

Why did the burglar steal a bath?

He wanted to make a clean getaway.

To the thief who has stolen my sage, onion and breadcrumbs…

You can go and get stuffed…

Went to a ‘kleptomaniac’s anonymous’ meeting but arrived a bit late.

By the time I got there, all the seats had been taken…

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Robber: “Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!’

Cashier (puzzled) “Did you mean to say “or you’re history?”

Robber: “Don’t change the subject.”

Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.

A man is at court today for damaging books by putting Tippex on all the full stops.

He’s expecting a long sentence.

My wife hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my wife.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.

He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.

A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house.

I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

To the person who stole my mattress;

I won’t rest till I find you…

Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium-filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise…

2 boys have been stopped by police for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill.

A police spokesman said “those boys were Dyson with death”

What do you get when you cut a Policeman’s Head in 4 Pieces?

Police Head Quarters..

2 policemen knocked on my door last night.

They said “We’ve been getting complaints”

“You should start doing a better job then!” I replied

I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it.

Just been to B&Q with my wife and she got a ladder in her tights…

She’s an amazing shoplifter.

An armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted

“Nobody move!!”

“What’s your name?” the cop asked when he pulled me over.

“Andy,” I said.

“And your last name?” he asked.

“It’s always been Andy,” I said.

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

I donated 4 litres of blood today.

Never doing it again though.

They ask way too many questions.

Who’s blood is this? Where did you get it from? Why do you have it?

Did you know that you can murder someone with socks?

It’s true. It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing.

Proud of my son he has an anti-bullying wristband.

He took it off a fat ginger kid.

Witness “I saw an octopus rob a bank this morning!”

Reporter “Did he have a gun?” Witness “

No, but he was well-armed!”

Police have found a dead body at a Dominos which was covered in ham, cheese, and pineapple.

Police believe he may have topped himself.

Thieves who stole three tonnes of tarmac are believed to currently be in hiding.

A police spokesman said; “We are hoping that they will resurface soon”.

And that’s not all ….

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the logo below…. (thanks in advance)

Quote of the Day: Great Thoughts

“He who thinks great thoughts, often makes great errors”

Martin Heidegger

Whilst I agree with Heidegger that the potential is there to over reach, or be over optimistic, I disagree with the sentiment of limiting one’s thoughts to closer horizons! I want to risk the mistakes in order to dream and achieve more? Am I right?

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the logo below…. (thanks in advance)