Admit it, you’re hooked on humor! This site is your intervention for laughter, a support group disguised as a joke vault. We’ve got puns about rehab, one-liners about caffeine dependence, and enough social commentary to make you forget about that social media scroll you just can’t quit. Whether your vice is video games, working late, or that extra slice of cake, you’ll find relatable humor (and maybe a helpful nudge) inside. So, step into our circle, share your battle cries (or cravings!), and remember, laughter might not be the cure, but it’s definitely the best medicine (besides actual medicine, of course).
I’m addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.
I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I’m clean now.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, although it’s only mild.
A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money’s on Dave.
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
My family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles.
It’s ok though, I know where to draw the line.
My struggle with steroid addiction has only made me stronger.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…
I told him to calm down and not to fret.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
I’m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?
I’ve been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years. I keep telling people I’m trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Went to a water park, tried a couple of slides and now I’m worried I’m getting addicted.
It’s a slippery slope.
My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.
I said, “On what grounds?”
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.
Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
My screen is brighter than my future.
I told my phone we need space… then checked it two seconds later.
My lock screen knows me better than anyone else.
They say diamonds are forever… clearly, they’ve never met iPhones.
I only panic in two situations: no Wi-Fi and no coffee.
My phone addiction is ringing alarm bells—literally.
My thumb has more workouts than the rest of my body.
I tried meditation, but my phone buzzed, and now I’m enlightened by memes.
If my phone had a loyalty program, I’d be platinum.
My charger is the real MVP—it saves my life daily.
I asked my phone for directions to “less screen time.” It rerouted me back to TikTok.
My relationship status? Charging.
My phone fell off the bed… and I dove like an Olympic athlete to save it.
My gambling habit is like my Wi-Fi—always dropping signals at the worst times.
Blackjack is my comfort zone—I always hit rock bottom.
My addiction to cards isn’t serious… I just need a little shuffle in life.
I’m such a gambler, I bet on my alarm snooze button every morning.
My friends think I gamble too much… odds are, they’re right.
I tried betting on silence, but I lost because I laughed.
My gambling addiction is like a bad magician—it always makes my money disappear.
Poker nights are dangerous… I keep raising my stress levels.
My roulette habit is spinning out of control.
I tried to quit coffee once… but I got grounded.
My phone addiction is so bad, even my charger needs therapy.
I’m addicted to chocolate. But don’t worry, I can stop anytime… after dessert.
My Netflix addiction is out of control—my TV just filed for a restraining order.
I’m addicted to math puns… I just can’t stop multiplying them.
Candy crush isn’t just a game—it’s my full-time job without pay.
I thought I was addicted to my GPS… but it turns out, I just couldn’t find another direction.
I’m addicted to elevators. I always feel uplifted.
My Wi-Fi addiction is real—when it’s down, I feel disconnected from life.
I joined a support group for procrastinators… we’ll meet tomorrow.
My shopping addiction is so bad, my wallet’s in witness protection.
I’m addicted to dad jokes… it’s a pun-ishment I gladly accept.
My gaming addiction is serious—my thumbs are now classified as athletes.
I tried quitting soda, but it was just too pop-ular.
My cookie addiction is tough. I take it one chip at a time.
I’m addicted to gardening… I just can’t quit cold mulch.
My calendar addiction is overwhelming—I’ve got too many dates.
I’m addicted to music… my playlists are longer than my to-do list.
My gambling addiction is so bad, I flip a coin to choose socks.
I bet on my phone’s autocorrect… and it keeps winning.
My wallet broke up with me—it said I gamble too much.
I bet I could quit gambling tomorrow… double or nothing!
My gambling addiction is bad luck in disguise—it never pays off.
I tried therapy for gambling, but I ended up betting with my therapist.
My coffee addiction is grounds for concern.
I tried quitting coffee once… worst 15 minutes of my life.
My blood type? Starbucks Positive.
I’m not addicted to coffee—we’re just in a committed relationship.
My coffee addiction is brewing trouble.
I don’t have a caffeine addiction—I have a caffeine appreciation.
Every successful person starts their day with a plan… and a cup of coffee.
Decaf? No thanks—I don’t like my coffee impersonating tea.
Coffee and I have a mug-nificent relationship.
I believe in coffee because it believes in me first.
My boss said I should cut back on coffee… so I fired my boss.
Life without coffee? Brew-tally impossible.
My phone addiction is so bad, even my thumbs need a vacation.
I tried ignoring my phone once… it sent me 47 notifications out of spite.
My fast-food addiction is scary. I’m lovin’ it too much.
I tried to quit my candle addiction… but I just couldn’t let it burn out.
My mirror addiction isn’t vanity—it’s just a reflection of who I am.
I’m addicted to spelling bees—I just can’t spell “no.”
My soda addiction is sparkling out of control.
I’m addicted to naps… I dream about them all day.
My reading addiction has no shelf control.
I’m addicted to snacks… I just can’t chip away at the habit.
My phone said I spend too much time on it… so I blocked the notification.
I’m addicted to laundry—I can’t stop airing my dirty secrets.
My addiction to shoes is soul-deep.
I’m addicted to jokes—writing this list was my daily fix!
I think I have a caffeine addiction… my blood type is Starbucks.
Forget drugs—I’m addicted to Wi-Fi. I can’t function without a strong connection.
My phone is my drug… the side effects include insomnia and low battery anxiety.
My drug of choice? Laughter—it’s highly contagious.
I’m addicted to jokes—I can’t go a day without a pun.
Sugar is my drug—I have sprinkles of evidence everywhere.
My addiction to shoes is sole-deep.
TV shows are my drug—I get withdrawals between seasons.
Happiness is my addiction—and I plan on overdosing daily.
I tried to quit gambling, but I just couldn’t deal with it.
My poker addiction is so bad, I’m bluffing myself in the mirror.
I went to a gamblers’ support group… we bet on who would show up late.
My slot machine addiction is reel trouble.
I told my friend I’d stop gambling… he said, “I’ll take that bet.”
I’m addicted to dice—I just can’t stop rolling with it.
My gambling problem isn’t bad… I only bet when I’m awake.
I joined a gamblers’ cooking class—now I’m all about high steaks.
My favorite card in the deck? The one that pays my bills.
I bet my plants I’d water them today… they lost.
My gambling addiction is in my jeans—I always carry chips.
Why did the gambler bring a pencil? To draw his luck.
I bet on my diet yesterday. Spoiler: I lost.
Gambling is like fishing—you’re always hooked, even when you catch nothing.
I tried meditating to stop gambling… but my mind kept raising the stakes.
Candy is my addiction… I take two doses daily.
Social media is my drug—I scroll more than I sleep.
I’m hooked on pizza. My dealer is Domino’s.
Chocolate is my drug, and my dealer’s name is Hershey.
Netflix is my addiction… I binge responsibly.
Video games are my drug—I’ve got high scores instead of side effects.
My addiction to snacks is so real, I take chips intravenously.
I’m hooked on laughter—it’s the only drug with no bad side effects.
I tried quitting coffee… but the withdrawal gave me depresso.
TikTok is my addiction—it’s a never-ending prescription.
My bed is my drug—I overdose on naps daily.
Memes are my addiction… I can’t stop sharing the dose.
Ice cream is my weakness—call it brain freeze therapy.
I’m addicted to shopping… I pay in side effects called “credit card bills.”
My music addiction is loud—neighbors keep warning me about overdosing on bass.
Soda is my drug—it keeps popping up in my life.
I’m addicted to selfies—the overdose is in my gallery.
Coffee is my drug—I espresso myself daily.
My snack addiction is dangerous—I hit rock candy bottom.
I’m hooked on vacations—they’re the best natural high.
Pizza is my therapy—one slice, and I’m cured.
I dropped my phone… and my soul left my body.
My phone is my therapist—it listens, but only when it’s charged.
I don’t need a morning alarm. I need Wi-Fi.
My phone addiction is so real, I scrolled past my own reflection.
The scariest part of my day? 1% battery and no charger.
I didn’t lose my phone… my phone lost me when I ran out of data.
My phone is like oxygen—I panic when it’s not around.
I asked Siri for life advice. She hung up on me.
I spend more time with my phone than my own family… and it still ghosts me sometimes.
My phone addiction is so bad, my pillow feels left out.
I thought my phone was waterproof—until I cried on it.
I told my barista I’m addicted. She said, “Join the club—we meet daily at 8 a.m.”
Without coffee, I’m just a depresso.
I tried switching to tea, but coffee bean there, done that.
My favorite workout? Coffee curls.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it buys coffee, and that’s close enough.
My coffee addiction is latte to handle.
I’m not a morning person… I’m a coffee person.
Coffee is my spirit animal—dark, strong, and keeps me awake at night.
I’m so addicted to coffee, my alarm clock smells like espresso.
I asked my doctor if I drink too much coffee—he said, “I’ll espresso my concerns later.”
Coffee is the only reason my personality wakes up.
My cup of coffee is half full—because I already drank the other half.
I don’t need inspirational quotes. I need coffee.
My love language? Extra shots of espresso.
I tried to stop drinking coffee… but I’m too weak without it.
Coffee: the original Wi-Fi connection.
My battery percentage is basically my mood ring.
They said “look up more.” I did—at my phone screen brightness.
I’m not addicted to my phone, we’re just in a very committed relationship.
My screen time report just judged me harder than my mom ever did.
And that’s not all …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Battered women: Sounds delicious; doesn’t make it right.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
I’m against picketing, but I’ve got no way to show it.
Quite difficult to get a job at Citroen.
Had to send them 2 CVs.
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as Neon.
Someone told me it looked terrible. I didn’t react.
Not sure about my new sat nav.
I was in the local safari park, and it said bear left.
It was clearly an elephant.
Local tennis club’s website is down.
I think they are having problems with their server.
A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle
I said to my mate “its going to kick off in a minute”
Breaking news!!!
ne ws
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.
The people of Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
I’ve started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines…
Prophets are going through the roof.
To the person who stole my place in the queue…
I’m after you now.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, “Is this stool taken?”
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
To the guy that found my empty wallet …
I don’t know how to repay you.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?
If you do, please give me a shout.
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather; Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
I was telling a Border Collie some jokes about sheep, but he’d herd them all before…
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician.
You’ll never hear the end of it…
I’m going out covered in meaty chunks, gravy and biscuits.
My wife just said “Where are you off to dressed up like a dogs dinner?”.
A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house.
I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!
It turns out my chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
“Where’s the self-help section?”
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
My son has taken up meditation – at least it’s better than sitting doing nothing…
The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together…
I’ve made a telescope from old fish finger boxes…
Now I get a birds eye view of everything.
Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.
What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?
I was going to post about anti-climaxes, but in the end I didn’t.
Doctor: Drink a glass of milk after a hot bath.
Patient: No doctor, I don’t think I’ll have space left.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
For sale:
Muhammad Ali DVD collection.
George Foreman grill.
Both boxed.
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day…
Just received an invoice from the Origami Society…
I’m not sure what to make of it?
‘Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat!’
‘How long have you felt like this?’
‘Ever since I was a kid!’
I used to work at a cats home, but I had to leave, they reduced meowers…
“Doctor can you help me, I’ve grown 5 testicles!“
“How does your underwear fit?”
“Like a glove…”
The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.
I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, although it’s only mild.
Been sat here waiting for my mates prostate exam for 3 hours now.
Somebody wants to pull their bloody finger out!
I know she ate a worm but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate…
I keep meaning to stop procrastinating.
A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.
Yeah . . .right.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat. )
Broken guitar for sale – no strings attached.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
Got one of those memory foam pillows last week…
It’s rubbish, I’ve forgotten where I put it.
Iasked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait…
Her answer may shock you!
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They’re both cauldron.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Grandad.
QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Give a scouser a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he’ll steal your car keys from your hall table.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise.
The librarian says, “Sure, what Volume would you like?”
I suppose I better get up, get ready and hit the gym.
Sorry typo, I meant gin.
I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.
I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
I don’t believe in sceptics.
My girlfriend said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’
The wedding invite said: ‘The Sage +1’.
So I turned up an hour late.
If 2×2 makes 4,
and 3×3 makes 9,
how come 0x0 makes gravy?
Me: “These orthodox shoes are great.”
Wife: “It’s ‘orthopaedic’ shoes.”
Me: “I stand corrected.”
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones….or sex parties.
My mate Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
I just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop…
They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.
I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…
Ithink my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.
Wrote a play about weather, we had 5 actors dressed as clouds for the rehearsal.
On opening night 6 clouds turned up..
It was overcast!
My dad makes plastic letters for toilet doors…
He’s certainly got an I for the ladies.
Is it wrong that i really enjoy running geese over?
It gives me goose bumps…
There was a fight in the local fish shop last night.
Two fish got battered.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t.
The other day I hugged a clown and it felt like a nice jester.
Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
Why Did The Mexican Push His Wife Off The Cliff ?
Tequila !
I would like to congratulate my niece on passing her mouth organ music exam.
Well done our Monica.
I’m trying to find someone to give a lecture on pregnancy in large mammals but no one wants to talk about the elephant in the womb…
Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is!
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’.
You probably saw our posters.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I used to enjoy dressing up as a nun occasionally, but now I can’t seem to get out of the habit…
Just spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do…
“I had nightmares last night because I ate too much liquorice before I went to bed….”
“What were you dreaming about ?”
“All sorts…”
To the person who stole my mattress; I won’t rest till I find you…
Legend has it that Fred Astaire opened the oven door once and his treacle sponge exploded…
He had pudding on his top hat, pudding on his white tie and pudding on his tails…
Someone’s smashed up all the Chinese dumplings I was going to have for my dinner…
It was an act of wonton destruction.
I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said “This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?”
Ireplied “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”
I had a vinyl album called “Wasp Noises”, but when I played the first track it didn’t sound like a wasp and the second track didn’t sound like a wasp either…
Then I realised I was playing the B side…
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
It’s a complex complex complex.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I saw an advert today for burial plots.
I thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
I can’t get enough minimalism.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Q: What do you call a man who lives in an envelope? A: Bill.
An optimist is a person who doesn’t understand the enormity of the problem.
I didn’t understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down…
And then the penne dropped.
I’m suing my local fishmongers for selling undersized shellfish.
I’m going to take them to the small clams court…
I’ve been up all night trying to find a great pun for today…
And then it dawned on me.
My window cleaner passed away recently.
Just made contact with him again using a squeegee board…
I’ve got a problem with insects in my house so I bought some flypapers,
Now I’ve got fifteen of them reading the sports section…
People saying “BOO!!!” to their friends has risen by85% in the last year…
That’s a frightening statistic.
Did you know, if you put a fish in your ear, you can hear the sound of the fishmonger telling you to put it down and leave his shop…
Two clowns got divorced.
They couldn’t agree on who had the rights to their props.
Custardy battle.
I’ve had a hard time figuring out why I don’t consider cottage cheese truly “cheese”.
But it’s just a curd to me.
BREAKING NEWS!
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise…
My friend has written a book about equine dentistry.
I asked him how he found his information and he told me it was straight from the horses mouth…
I once met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in our local park…
She sells C cells by the seesaw…
I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.
He didn’t care.
Yes it is.
Is time travel possible?
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
Cadbury’s have brought out a new box of chocolates for inconsiderate people.
They’re self centred!
Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs?..
From Jason’s Donner Van.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather .
Kinky = using the whole chicken.
I have a phobia of bows and arrows.
The thought of them makes me quiver…
I’m going to write a novel set on an allotment…
I just need to find a decent plot…
I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
What do you call a hotel breakfast that gives you diarrhoea?
Incontinental.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.
My gondolences.
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually it was more of a spell check.
I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.
They’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.
As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears.
After that, I was terrified of cockroaches.
If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus.
I once took the p out of a pirate It made him very angry…
I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.
I hate my surname, Potato.
Although not as much as my sister Jackie does.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in hot oil.
I asked him “Are you the friar?”
He replied “No, I’m the chip monk…”
Just been to the doctors and told him I was finishing crossword puzzles too quickly.
He replied ” try not to get two down”
I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn
But after therapy..
I’ve managed to conker it.
2 boys have been stopped by police for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill
A police spokesman said “those boys were Dyson with death”
If you’ve never worn a blindfold when playing darts before then you should try it,
You don’t know what you’re missing.
Q) What do you get when you cut a Policeman’s Head in 4 Pieces?
A) Police Head Quarters..
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it’s diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Just sneezed all over my toast.
I can’t believe it… snot butter.
What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?
I just want to know the cut off date.
FUN FACT!
Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject.
These days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.
2 policemen knocked on my door last night.
They said “we’ve been getting complaints”
“You should start doing a better job then!” I replied
Just bought a low energy light bulb from B&Q.
Assistant asked “Will you be putting this up yourself?”
I said “No its going in the lounge”
I’m fed up with vegetarians interrogating me about my eating habits…
It’s like the spinach inquisition!
I’ve been for an interview to train as an underwater escapologist…
They said they’ll get back to me but I’m not holding my breath.
Hey, I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s..
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day in my fort.
Just come back from the London Marathon after-race party… I was hoping to see lots of famous celebrities, but all I saw were loads of b listers…
BREAKING NEWS!
Sir Paul McCartney has been disqualified from The London Marathon.
He was banned on the run…
I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer tomorrow.
It’s my first day, so they’ll just be showing me the ropes…
I gave my pet bird a haircut, and now he thinks he’s James Bond…
He’s certainly a shorn canary…
I’ve opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
They are flying off the shelves!
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I’d come in fourth so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.
How do you milk sheep?
Release another iPhone.
Maths and alcohol don’t mix.
Please don’t drink and derive.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
I’ve got a job organising opera singers within my local region…
I’m the aria manager.
What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes make you cry?
Opinions.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s an oughtobiography.
It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.
A spa hotel?
It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
My girlfriend has just dumped me as she says I am obsessed with chess.
So far I have managed to keep my emotions in check.
Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.
The Sage Page 