Welcome to our collection of Realtor and Estate Agent jokes, where we take a light-hearted look at the property world! Whether you’re buying, selling, or just browsing the market, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. From cheeky quips about commissions to playful banter about house-hunting woes, we’ve got something for every property enthusiast. Dive in and enjoy the humour that only those familiar with real estate can truly appreciate!
An armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted “Nobody move!!”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute.
I guess the old saying is true… You can’t win a mall.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important: Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
My brother is a real estate agent.
He greets me with, “Hey bro, house it going?”
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What does a house wear?
Address.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five.
One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
I doubt you’d get it.
It’s over your head.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation.Echolocation. Echolocation.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns?
They’re not very uplifting.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, “Well, all’s well that dwells well.”
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
My real estate agent lied.
He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there…
What did the realtor say to his wife?
“Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time – thrilling and nervous.”
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house.
A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, “Just do the deed.”
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
The older generation’s dream was to pay off the mortgage.
The younger generation’s dream is to get one.
Home sickness is what you feel every month when the mortgage is due.
My house has wall to wall carpets…
And back to the wall payments.
It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns.
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.
If you think that no-one cares you’re alive, just try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
A man’s home is his castle…
In a manor of speaking.
What’s the study of real estate called?
Homology.
By the time you pay for a home in the suburbs, it isn’t.
If you buy a house in Mexico, you don’t Peso much.
My neighbors have consolidated all their debts.
Now they only have one bill they won’t pay.
If you want to know where the property line is, just watch your neighbor cut the grass.
My neighbor always has his lawn sprinkler on.
It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Is the down payment to buy an apartment a condo-minimum?
When it comes to board games about buying real estate…
Hasbro really has the Monopoly.
My Irish friend Paddy just told me that he burgled a shop last night.
“What did you get?” I asked.
“26 pictures,” he smiled, showing me. “The cheapest one is worth over $180,000.”
I said, “Dude, these are from a real estate agents.”
I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.
But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What’s the difference between a real estate agent and sperm?
Sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
My real estate agent did such a good job describing my house in their listing that I’ve decided to keep it.
What does a real estate agent use for birth control?
Their personality.
What’s a mortgage broker?
A real estate agent without the sense of humor.
Realtors need closure.
What do you call a real estate agent who practices birth control?
A humanitarian.
I made the mistake of offering my realtor some Lipton iced tea.
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite sexual position?
The comissionary position.
There’s a used car salesman, a lawyer and a real estate agent.
You have a gun with only two bullets.
What do you do?
Shoot the real estate agent twice to make sure.
Why are realtors good at selling houses?
They’re good at ceiling deals.
And that’s not all …..
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our page dedicated to lawyer jokes, where the courtroom gets a comedic twist! Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood during a tough legal case or simply enjoy some clever quips about the world of law, this is the place for you. From witty one-liners about attorneys to classic courtroom gags, we’ve gathered the best jokes to bring a smile to your face—no legal expertise required!
What did the Lawyer say to the other Lawyer?
We are both Lawyers.
I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.
They’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.
Where do lawyers meet for lunch?
At the food court.
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven.
When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself.
The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”
St. Peter says, “Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”
The lawyer yells, “84! How did you figure that?”
St. Peter responds, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
One of the cops replies, “You are the lawyer.”
The lawyer says, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree.
He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”
A man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing.
Unfortunately he lost his case
Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.
It’ll be Trial by Fire.
A man is at court today for damaging books by putting tippex on all the full stops.
He’s expecting a long sentence.
I’m suing my local fishmongers for selling undersized shellfish.
I’m going to take them to the small clams court…
Did you hear about the judge with no fingers?
Justice Thumbs.
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish?
One is a spineless, poisonous blob.
The other is a form of sea life.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller.
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was.
“$100 for three questions,” answered the lawyer.
“Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man.
“Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth?
The wooden partitions around the witness stand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Lawyer’s creed: A person is innocent until proven broke.
There’s a new toy doll coming out this Christmas: Divorce Barbie.
She comes with a lawyer and all of Ken’s stuff.
Arguing with lawyers is like wrestling with pigs in mud.
Before long, you discover they love it.
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.
If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
I considered becoming a lawyer, but it turns out my parents were married before I was born.
A person who represents himself has a fool for a client but also more money in the bank.
If you can make a great argument as to why you shouldn’t be a lawyer, you should be a lawyer.
Cemeteries bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 because deep down, they’re good people.
I used to be a lawyer, but it lost its appeal.
God once considered suing Satan for ripping off the concept of heaven with hell but dropped it when he remembered where all the lawyers were.
The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.
I couldn’t defend myself.
The difference between an accountant and a lawyer is that accountants know they’re boring.
The legal definition of a jury is 12 people who determine which client has the better attorney.
Abraham Lincoln never needed a lawyer because he was in a cent.
The sun was relieved when its lawyer told it that it’d only been charged with a light sentence.
Eight vowels, 11 consonants, a comma and an exclamation mark appeared in court today.
They are due to be sentenced next week.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to the ultimate collection of Mother and Mother-in-law jokes! Whether you’re looking for light-hearted quips about the quirks of motherhood or classic one-liners about the joys (and challenges) of having a mother-in-law, we’ve got a mix of playful, witty, and affectionate humour. Perfect for sharing a laugh with family or adding some fun to any gathering, these jokes celebrate the special bond – with a cheeky twist! Dive in and enjoy some good-natured fun that everyone can relate to!
I asked my mother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Lovely woman, terrible surgeon.
I was once abducted by aliens.
They made me wash my hands, blow my nose, clean my room, and eat my vegetables…
Turns out I was on the mothership.
So my mother-in-law asked if I would play Twister with her…
That put me in a very awkward position!
What do you call a short mother?
A minimum.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
What’s my mother going to do?
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying, “Here comes the train”, and we always used to eat it straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.
My dad, my mum and myself have always had two obsessions; collecting fungi seeds and the Queen song ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.
I’m just a spore boy from a spore family…
My mum always used to say “40 is the new 30”.
Lovely woman, banned from driving.
My Mum’s sister keeps taking the law into her own hands…
She’s a vigilauntie.
When I left home, my mum said “Don’t forget to write”.
I thought, “That’s unlikely”…
It’s a basic skill isn’t it….
Bought my mum a fridge for her birthday.
You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it!
My son just asked me why does mummy always cry when she cuts an onion.
I told him she feels guilty because she stole it from the supermarket.
“Mum, why does everyone at school pick on me?”
“I’ve no idea, Someoneyourownsize.”
Ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today…
His mum was furious.
Told the wife that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.
Told Mum that the wife has something wrong with her.
My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
I shouted to my Mom on Mother’s Day, “How does breakfast in bed sound?”
She said, “Ooh that sounds lovely!
I said, “Great, I’ll have bacon, fries and two eggs.”
I asked my Mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day.
She said, “Thanks son, but all I want is a bit of caring and looking after.”
So I put her in a nursing home.
For Mother’s Day, I bought my Mom new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I got my Mom a scratchcard for Mother’s Day but I couldn’t resist scratching it off myself, and would you believe it – it was a $10,000 winner!
I’m sure she’ll like the flowers.
As today is Mother’s Day, I have three special words for my Mom:
“What’s for dinner?”
My friend asked me what I’d bought for Mother’s Day.
I said, “Some suspenders and sexy underwear and I’ve booked a hotel room.”
He said, “Don’t you think that’s a bit inappropriate for your Mom?”
I said, “Oh it’s not for my Mom. It’s all for yours.”
I thought breakfast in bed would be a nice Mother’s Day treat for my Mom.
So I’ve put a camp bed next to the stove for her.
A mother is trying to get her son to eat his carrots. She says, “You know they’re good for your eyes.”
The son says, “How do you know that?”
The mom replies, “Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?”
For Mother’s Day, I bought my Mom a mug that says, “From the world’s worst son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows anyway.
What are the best type of flowers for a boy to buy his Mom for Mother’s Day?
Son flowers.
Why is a computer so smart?
Because it listens to its motherboard.
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
What’s the difference between Superman and mothers?
Superman is only a superhero every now and then. Mothers are superheroes all the time.
Why do mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist?
Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
I got a new car for my Mom this Mother’s Day.
It’s the best trade I ever made.
As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”
She answered, “Well… for as long as you like.”
“Not even for coffee??”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
I picked up my newborn daughter to stop her crying.
My mother-in-law commented, “Wow, she really settled for you quickly!”
“Just like her mother.”
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Ever since it started raining my mother-in-law has been standing and looking sadly through the window.
If it gets ever heavier I may have to let her in.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
I took my dog, my social media addict daughter and my mother-in-law in the car yesterday.
I can’t afford a car stereo but I still have a woofer, a tweeter and a loud-speaker.
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.
They only spoke to her for two minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
We let my mother-in-law come down to visit us every Christmas.
Well she can’t stay on the roof all year.
A wife calls her mother in-law and asks her, “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?”
The mother in-law yells, “The mother of course!”
The wife says, “Then come clean up your drunk son!”
Anagram of mother-in-law:
Woman Hitler.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
I was walking down the street with my wife when we saw six guys beating up my mother-in-law.
My wife yelled, “Hey, aren’t you going to help?”
I said, “No, six should be enough.”
“Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Jones, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is. Work first, then fun.”
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose…
Would you go to lunch or a movie?
“Diana!” I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door.
She replied, “My name is Anna!”
I said, “Yes. Yes I know.”
My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later.
“This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.
“I haven’t had a chance to!” Replied the parrot.
What’s the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
I bought my mother-in-law a chair for her birthday.
But my wife wouldn’t let me plug it in.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed.
I never knew they worked.
I’ve been searching for three years for my mother-in-law’s killer.
But I still can’t find anyone to do it.
What do you call mixed emotions?
Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car.
Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says, “My mother-in-law is a saint.”
To which the other man replies, “You’re so lucky! Mine’s still alive.”
I discovered my mother-in-law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.
I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.
Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said, “Sir, it looks like your mother-in-law has been hit by a bus”
I replied, “I know, but she has a great personality.”
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to the spookiest corner of the internet! Our Halloween jokes page is packed with fang-tastic puns, ghoulish giggles, and eerie one-liners that will tickle your funny bone. Whether you’re looking for light-hearted laughs for your Halloween party or just want to add some humour to the haunting season, we’ve got jokes that are wickedly funny for all ages. Get ready to cackle along with us – if you dare!
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween.
That should save me a bob or two…
I told my wife: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween… #
My wife: “Which is?”
Me: “Exactly”
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
What sound does a witch’s car make?
Broom broom.
What sort of exams do witches do?
Spelling tests.
What’s a dyslexic wizard’s biggest problem?
They can’t spell.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually it was more of a spell check.
My house is being haunted by the ghost of a dead chicken.
It’s a poultrygeist.
I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost.
To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door…
Just bought a boomerang from a ghost…
That’ll come back to haunt me…
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
Local ghost stopped paying his mortgage and ended up being repossessed.
They don’t like random strangers knocking on their door.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I was a Congressional bill for Halloween this year.
Stayed in the House and didn’t accomplish anything.
What is the most famous Halloween building?
The Vampire State Building.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Spice Girls’ music is excellent at Halloween.
The vocals can be Scary.
Last Halloween, I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a car key.
They threw me out because I looked like I might start something.
Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
What’s the first thing bats learn in school?
The alpha-bat.
How do girl vampires flirt?
They bat their eyes.
How do vampires get into their houses?
Through the bat flap.
How did the two bat lovers first meet?
On a blind date.
What do you call a baby bat?
A battle.
How are bats like real-estate agents?
It’s all echo-location location location.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
Why did Dracula take medicine?
To stop his coffin.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas.
There’s only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he’s afraid to go into the crypt tonight.
Where does Dracula buy his pencils?
Pennsylvania.
Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday.
He said it wasn’t faulty, he just couldn’t see himself using it.
What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?
A Count suspended.
What do ghosts wash their hair with?
Shamboo.
Why are ghosts so fat?
Because they’re scared to exorcise.
Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?
He heard they needed a little team spirit.
Why do ghosts hang out at bars?
Because they like booze.
Which room will you never see a ghost in?
The living room.
When a street performer dies, does he become a ghost busker?
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
Boo-berry pie.
Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.
What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
The scary go-round and the roller-ghoster.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
What do you call a male mummy with a cold?
I’m not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
Why are mummies scared of vacation?
They’re afraid to unwind.
Why didn’t the man accept the mummy’s business proposition?
He thought it might be a pyramid scheme.
I passed my mummy embalming exam easily.
It was a no-brainer.
Why are mummies so hard for archaeologists to find?
Because they’re all kept under wraps.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
Wrap music.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
Because his heart wasn’t in it.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain on Halloween?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
The sax-a-bone.
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
How do you catch a skeleton?
With a rib cage.
What do you call a vaping vampire?
Vlad the Inhaler.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
Why are vampires so impulsive?
They never reflect on things.
I’ve set up a company to rid people of vampires.
I’m the main stakeholder.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues?
They don’t like steak.
When does an idea kill a vampire?
When it dawns on them.
What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A blood test.
Which fruit is a vampire’s favorite?
A neck-tarine.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
“You just follow the instructions.”
“Which instructions?”
“Yeah, they’re the ones.”
Witches and wizards don’t fart.
They cast smells.
Where do witches bake their cookies?
In a coven.
How did the first witch talk to the second witch?
She cauldron the phone.
Why do witches have their names printed on their shirts?
So you can tell which witch is which.
Why do witches not wear a normal hat?
Because there’s no point in it.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterwarts.
Why didn’t the witch ride on her broom when she was upset?
She was afraid she would fly off the handle.
What do you call a witch who goes to the beach?
A sand witch.
A man says to a werewolf, “You’re a werewolf.”
The werewolf says, “Yes, I’m awere.”
What’s the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What is a werewolf’s favorite day of the week?
Moonday.
What did the werewolf say to his friends when they met?
Howl y’all doing?
What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
A dead man wokking.
What do dyslexic zombies eat?
Brians.
What’s the one thing all zombies want?
Piece of mind.
What’s a zombie’s favorite drink?
A stiff one.
If zombies eat humans…
Does that mean they bite the hand that feeds them?
What’s a zombie’s favorite type of bean?
Human beans.
Why did the zombie stay home from school?
He felt rotten.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to Girlfriend Giggles, your ultimate destination for light-hearted and cheeky girlfriend jokes! Whether you’re looking to share a laugh with your partner, or just need a pick-me-up, our collection of jokes is guaranteed to bring a smile to your face. From playful quips to witty one-liners, we’ve got something for every sense of humour. So sit back, relax, and enjoy some good-natured fun!
My girlfriend claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.
I’m not buying it.
My girlfriend’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?
My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.
I love felt tips.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.
I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are…
But I laugh more.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge. It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?
Just at the airport with my girlfriend, I said “I wish I’d brought the coffee table with us.”
“Why is that?” she asked…
“The passports are on it…”
My girlfriend asked, “Do you know any tennis puns?”
I said, “No, they’re not really my forte love”.
My girlfriend said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.
I told her to close the door on the way back in.
My girlfriend still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
My girlfriend told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore…
My girlfriend and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.
We clicked straight away.
I said to my friend, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
He said, “Are you mad at her?”
I said, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
My girlfriend accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.
My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
My girlfriend just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.
I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time…”
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
My girlfriend just left me because of my obsession with cricket.
It’s really hit me for 6.
My girlfriend has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.
But don’t worry…I’ll return.
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective!, I think we should split up”.
Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way”
Throughout our relationship, my girlfriend has always stood by my side.
She had to.
We’ve only got one chair.
My girlfriend said to me “There’s 14 reasons why I’m leaving you, and don’t even get me started on your tennis obsession!”
I said “Well that’s 15, love…”
My girlfriend is leaving me because I don’t believe in her tarot readings…
To be fair it’s been on the cards for a while.
I was having an argument with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being childish.
What does she know?
She’s just a stinky poo face…
I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in.
It means the world to her.
My girlfriend said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right.
I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend in 3 weeks.
I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I relabeled all the jars in my girlfriend’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
My girlfriend is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I was going to go to a fancy dress party as Harry Potters godfather.
But my girlfriend said “You can’t be Sirius”
I asked my girlfriend to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on the skeleton.
My girlfriend just said to me “What rhymes with orange”
I said “No it doesn’t”
My girlfriend is saying she’ll divorce me because I was obsessed with television dramas.
But will she leave me?
Find out next week…
My girlfriend’s a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right!
I’ve stuck with her though, through thick and thin.
Why did my girlfriend cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago!
My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’
I said ‘Is that your final answer?’
My girlfriend said she will leave me.
She said I was too passive, and didn’t stand up for myself enough.
I can’t really argue with that.
My girlfriend broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler.
All I can think about is how to win her back.
My girlfriend just texted me to say she’s made a Voodoo doll of me.
I think she’s pulling my leg.
My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.
I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?”
My girlfriend just called me lazy!!
Really unfair, it took me over an hour to take the Christmas tree down this morning…
My girlfriend says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the dry side.
It’s definitely something that needs addressing.
My girlfriend said I was annoying her with all my puns about trees.
I said; “Ah, that old chestnut…”
I told my girlfriend I was opening a theatre.
She said, ‘Are you having me on?’
I said, ‘I’ll give you an audition but I’m not promising anything.’
The girlfriend just threw six cricket balls at me…
“What’s up ?” I asked.
“It’s over” she replied.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.
I said maybe!
I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.
I wish he would stop taking sides!
My girlfriend gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I’ve added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria than ever.
Last night I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Playboy waitress.
She’s not a happy bunny!
My girlfriend asked me, “Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard last night?”
“No, don’t be silly” I replied, “I ate it on the sofa.”
When my girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
My girlfriend asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list…
Now I can’t read anything.
My girlfriend got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
The dog is barking at the backdoor and the girlfriend is yelling at the front door.
Who do you let in first?..
The dog, because he’ll shut up when he comes in.
My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I’m over-competitive.”
Not if I leave you first!” I shouted as I raced her to the front door.
My girlfriend kept going on and on about what we should use the empty drawer for.
Eventually, I told her to put a sock in it.
My girlfriend has said she’s leaving me because I’ve put CCTV all around the flat.
I can see where she’s coming from.
My girlfriend told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
I asked my girlfriend “So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?”
And you know what she said?
“Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!”
My girlfriend is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession.
I’d better fetch the suitcase from the van.
When I told my girlfriend I was looking at flights on the internet, she got very excited!
Which was odd as she’s never shown an interest in darts before.
Since the snow came all my girlfriend has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
My girlfriend said to me “I bet you can’t make a pun about a flower?”
But I rose to the challenge…
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
My girlfriend kept saying I should treat her like a princess.
So I forced her to marry an old guy she’d never met to secure an alliance with the French.
I told my girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.
She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”
I said, “No, but he wants to be.”
My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
My girlfriend left me for an electrician.
He promised her the earth…
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
My girlfriend text messaged me with one word: “Earth.”
It meant the world to me.
My girlfriend keeps empty margarine tubs and just leaves them lying around…
I can’t believe it’s not clutter.
My girlfriend has just left me due to my love of horse racing.
She’s at the gate….and she’s off!
My girlfriend said, “There was someone knocking on the door, with a beard earlier!”
I said, “No wonder I couldn’t hear him!”
My girlfriend asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!
My girlfriend told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her “I think you mean fewer”
I told my girlfriend that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé.
She said; “Whatever floats your boat”
I replied “No – that’s buoyancy”
My girlfriend just told me to grow up.
I’m speechless!!
To be fair though, it’s pretty hard to say anything with 37 gummy bears in your mouth
My girlfriend has just fell over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes.
I just sat back and watched it all unfold!
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now…
My girlfriend says she’ll leave me if I keep making marine animal puns…
I said “I don’t do it on porpoise.”
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.
I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
My girlfriend has accused me of not having any empathy.
I don’t understand why she feels that way.
My girlfriend and I are both tightrope walkers.
We met online…
My girlfriend insists she could see the face of Jesus in our tub of margarine…
I said “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha…”
At first my girlfriend hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it….
Eventually she came around.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD…
I told her to close the door five times on her way out!
My girlfriend asked me if I would change our 1 month old son.
I told her I liked the one we have.
I’ve just bought a house with period features…
My girlfriend really hates that nickname.
My girlfriend has started her own business reading Tarot cards.
She’s making a fortune.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated for her birthday.
So I painted her with Cuprinol.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time
My girlfriend is a hoarder and refuses to throw out her old magazine collection.
She has a lot of issues.
Girlfriend: What do think you’re playing at coming home half drunk??!
Me: I ran out of money.
I had a vasectomy so my girlfriend didn’t get pregnant.
All it did though was change the colour of the baby….
The first time I had sex it was in my parent’s bedroom.
My girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”
I said, “Just ignore them.”
I said to my girlfriend, “I need to call the doctor today.”
She said, “Which doctor?”
I said, “No, the regular kind.”
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with astrology.
I guess I should have seen the signs..
My girlfriend is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
My girlfriend told me that I’m “not cut out to be a mime”.
“Was it something I said?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied.
My girlfriend said last night she was leaving me this morning because of my obsession with Wham!
I said ‘OK, wake me up before you go go’.
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she had ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
My girlfriend has decided to transform herself into a giant bumblebee.
At first I told myself it wouldn’t make any difference and I would stay.
Then I saw her face…
My girlfriend said if I didn’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she would leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position
I thought my girlfriend was happy to fully repair my jeans.
Or at least sew its seams.
The girlfriend has just come home from the shops in a Gloria Gaynor face mask…
At first, I was afraid…
My girlfriend was making fun of me because I always order the worst drink.
It was a cheap shot.
I gave my girlfriend a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.
Well, I did promise her the earth…
My girlfriend borrowed £100 from me.
When we separated 3 years later, she returned exactly £100.
I lost interest in that relationship.
My girlfriend is kicking me out because she’s fed up with my South American animal puns…
‘OK,’ I said, ‘Alpaca my bags.’
My girlfriend likes it when I blow cold air on her when she’s too hot.
Personally I’m not a fan…
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”
Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me.
I met my girlfriend at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.
My girlfriend just hit me with musical instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history of violins.
I asked my girlfriend to pick 6 stems of asparagus from the garden.
She came back with 7.
The last one is just a spare I guess.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.
But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Sometimes I hide my girlfriend’s inhaler…
The neighbours think I’m a stud when they hear her panting heavily “Give it to me!”
Me and the girlfriend bought a waterbed to spice up our love life.
It doesn’t work though!
We’ve drifted further apart.
When I told my girlfriend I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.
Then I saw the grenade in her hand!
My girlfriend told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday…
I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’ when I give it to her later…
My girlfriend is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu songs…
She makes me want to shout…
My girlfriend told me that she used to be Christian.
“That’s not a problem,” I told her.
“Thanks, I’m much happier being a Christine now,” she replied.
For her birthday, I took my girlfriend to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently…
I was buying my girlfriend some underwear, I asked the shop assistant; “Are these knickers satin?”
“No” she said, “They’re brand new…”
I took my girlfriend to the hall of mirrors at the funfair last night.
“Look at your funny-shaped face and big bum!!” she laughed.
I’m glad she enjoyed it but we were still in the car at this point…
After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My girlfriend has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”
She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.
My girlfriend accused me of having OCD.. I soon put her in her place.
My girlfriend asked me, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”
I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”
My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with goats.
Meh.
At first, my girlfriend didn’t want to get a brain transplant.
Then I changed her mind.
I was really struggling to get my girlfriend’s attention….
So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.
That did the trick.
I think my girlfriend is putting glue on my antique weapons collection…
She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!
My girlfriend bet me I couldn’t do a butterfly impression.
I thought to myself, that’s got to be worth a little flutter!
My girlfriend asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’
I said ‘slim to nun’
My girlfriend bought a new oven glove in a bright yellow colour.
I kept making puns about it, and now she’s not talking to me.
I probably did take it too far, I mustard mitt…
My girlfriend was dancing on a table.
“Good legs”
“Do you really think so?”
“Yes, most other tables would’ve collapsed under that weight.”
“I bought my girlfriend an electric guitar yesterday”
“A Fender ?”
“No, she loved it…”
My girlfriend threatened to leave me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name…
So I called her Bluff…
So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Well, I’ve got some news for her.
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my constant puns about Africa.
Kenya believe that?
Ghana miss her if she goes…
My girlfriend said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.
I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!
My girlfriend said she would leave me because of my obsession with algebra.
Now she is my X.
My girlfriend said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.
I said, “On what grounds?”
My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.
Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.
My girlfriend just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly…
Bloody cheek!
Woke up this morning and found I’d swallowed some feathers from my pillow.
My girlfriend said I looked a bit down in the mouth…
My girlfriend asked, “Would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?”
Turns out “Yes I do” was not the right answer.
I met my girlfriend on Tinder.
That was awkward.
My girlfriend asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
I told her it was because I couldn’t stand doing it.
My girlfriend has begged me to stop making police-related puns…
I said, “O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.“
I surprised my girlfriend by getting romantic last night…
Best Scrabble score I’ve ever had…
My girlfriend asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.
I don’t know why she got so mad at me.
It’s pretty hard to write on sand.
My girlfriend was upset because she thinks I don’t like her cooking…
So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy…
All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary…
Joke’s on them, so are they!
My girlfriend is leaving me because of the way I treat her friends.
“You’re not even a qualified Gynaecologist,” she said.
For her birthday, I got my girlfriend an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening…
My girlfriend is leaving me because I keep forgetting to take the old coffee filter out of the machine…
She claims it’s grounds for divorce.
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
My girlfriend has just dumped me as she says I am obsessed with chess.
So far I have managed to keep my emotions in check.
My girlfriend suggested I get a telescope, since I was so interested in astronomy.
I told her I’d look into it.
I’m going out covered in meaty chunks, gravy and biscuits.
My girlfriend just said, “Where are you off to dressed up like a dog’s dinner?”.
I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait…
Her answer may shock you!
My girlfriend said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’
I said: ‘That’s a myth.’
She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’
I didn’t understand what my girlfriend meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down…
And then the penne dropped.
I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
Just been to B&Q with my girlfriend and she got a ladder in her tights…
She’s an amazing shoplifter.
I’ve just found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door…
My girlfriend asked me if I could clear the kitchen table…
I had to get a running start but I made it!
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!
I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.
My girlfriend and I had a big argument last night.
She called me gullible and financially irresponsible!
Wait until she hears I’ve won the Nigerian lottery…
I used to like to sleep with the bedside lamp on.
My girlfriend would say, “Take it off, you look ridiculous!”.
My girlfriend won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
My girlfriend told me to stop making camera puns.
I said she should stop focusing on the negatives and develop a sense of humour!
She left me in a flash…
My girlfriend told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat…You’re much bigger than that”.
My girlfriend is making me a burger for dinner.
I’m relishing it.
Told the girlfriend that Mum is deaf so speak loud and slow.
Told Mum that the girlfriend has something wrong with her.
My girlfriend just asked me if I’d finished making puns about small onions.
I said, “Yes, that shallot”.
I met my girlfriend at the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
We’ve just bought a Lord of the Rings themed kitchen.
My girlfriend loves the hob bit.
My girlfriend has insisted that I cease making puns about classic Motown hits or she will leave me.
I agreed to stop, in the name of love.
My girlfriend says I’m too sceptical… but I just don’t believe her.
I told my girlfriend: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween…
My girlfriend: “Which is?”
Me: “Exactly“
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old-fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our Funeral Jokes page, where we explore the lighter side of life’s inevitable journey. We understand that humor can be a powerful way to cope with difficult times, and our collection of tasteful and witty funeral jokes is here to offer a smile or a chuckle when it’s needed most. Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood, share a laugh, or simply find some comfort through humor, our jokes provide a unique way to connect with the bittersweet moments of life. Join us in celebrating the memories and the laughter that lives on.
At weddings old people always poke me and say you’ll be next! It’s so annoying!…
So… I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.
I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.
I went to my boss’s funeral …
I kneeled down next to the coffin and whispered, “Who is thinking outside the box now?”
I don’t like how funerals are usually between 9-11am.
I’m not really a mourning person.
As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologise ” mean the same thing …
Except at a funeral
The man who invented the word search has died. His funeral will be held next…
T T I S P V G K M P H J G U O N Q U X N M O N D A Y W Z B A T K T E N O P G H C V N K O T D I M
Guy who owned Odeon cinemas has died.
His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Where are mathematicians buried?
The Symmetry.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?”
Me: “Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.”
I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…
Crematoriums.
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
I’ve just got back from my friend’s funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.
There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?
The Top Urner.
I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password.
“Have some respect for the dead!” he said.
“Okay, is that all lower case with no spaces?” I asked.
My friend drowned and it was his funeral yesterday.
All his friends clubbed together and we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it’s what he would have wanted.
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our Grandparent Jokes page, where laughter and love come together! Here, we celebrate the timeless humor that only grandparents can deliver. Whether you’re looking for a chuckle to share with your grandkids or seeking the perfect joke to brighten your day, you’ve come to the right place. Our collection of delightful and charming jokes is perfect for any occasion and is sure to bring smiles to faces young and old. Dive into our treasury of grandparent-approved humor and enjoy the joy and warmth these jokes bring!
My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two.
In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot…
My Grandad led a very varied and interesting life, he had fingers in a lot of pies.
Lovely man, got the sack from Greggs though…
“We never had a TV in the family when I was younger” said my grandad.
“Well you have now” I said as I adjusted my dress.
We used to call my Grandad “Spider-Man”.
He didn’t possess any amazing superpowers, he just used to struggle to get out of the bath…
My Great Grandad helped build the lion statues in Trafalgar Square…
That really put the cat amongst the pigeons…
My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder.
He never liked to throw anything away.
He died in the war holding a hand grenade.
My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra.
Grandma took it pretty hard.
My Grandad often recalls ‘fighting them on the beaches…’
Lovely man, terrible deckchair attendant.
My great-grandad invented the rear view mirror for cars…
After that there was no looking back.
My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.
I told him it’s Ctrl-P.
He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
I got my grandma a new walking frame specially made by NASA and she’s starting to get the hang of it…
It’s one small step for Nan…
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard…
After that he went downhill very quickly.
I saw a sign on the train saying “Please give this seat to an elderly person”.
So I unscrewed it and took it round to my granddad’s house…
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to our Politics Jokes page, where humor meets the sometimes overwhelming world of politics. Here, we believe that a good laugh is essential, especially when navigating the often serious and contentious landscape of political discourse. Our collection of jokes spans the political spectrum, ensuring that everyone can find a bit of levity regardless of their political leanings. From light-hearted puns to clever satire, our jokes aim to bring a smile to your face and a moment of joy to your day. Whether you’re a political junkie or just looking for a chuckle, we invite you to explore and enjoy a break from the ordinary with our curated selection of politics jokes.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man.
I don’t approve of political jokes…
I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
“Because it would be hilarious,” is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the most accurate word in the English language.
Poly = many. Ticks = blood sucking parasites.
I reckon all these conspiracy theories are what the government really wants us to think.
What does a politician do after he dies?
He lies still.
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”
What are the favorite vegetables in Washington, D.C.?
In Congress, it’s celery…
At the White House, carrots…
And of course, at the Supreme Court, leeks.
The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
Stop repeat offenders.
Don’t re-elect them!
I think we should get rid of democracy.
All in favor raise your hand.
Donald Trump’s foreign policy:
If you mess with the USA, there’ll be hell toupee.
Donald Trump has done more than anyone to promote equality…
He’s equally hated by blacks and Hispanics.
What happens when you take a joke too far?
The 46th President of the United States of America.
In a recent survey, 70% of Americans responded that Donald Trump becoming president has made them nervous.
The other 30% said it will make them Canadians.
Donald Trump has announced that when he’s president, he’s going to put a wig on the Presidential plane and call it Hair Force One.
I don’t see why people were outraged when Donald Trump said if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter, he’d be dating her.
After all, if Ivanka wasn’t Trump’s daughter, I’d date her too.
Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open.
17 are frozen and he doesn’t know where the music is coming from
Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick.
He sits down next to her and says “So, do I come here often?”
Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today.
He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.
What’s the best thing about being Joe Biden?
Waking up every day and learning that you’re the president.
Donald Trump and Joe Biden are in a boat, and the boat sinks.
Who is saved?
The United States of America.
Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?
Everyone watching
The of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden.
He is currently assembling his cabinet!
What did the prime minister do with the half-eaten banana?
He re-peeled it.
How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, they don’t stay in office long enough to find out!
Jeff Bezos has never been the President of Amazon.
Just the Prime Minister!
What time did the Monster eat the prime minister?
8PM!
How did the atom become Prime Minister?
It held a general electron!
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to the Marriage Jokes section of The Sage Page, where we celebrate the humor and joy found in married life! Marriage is a beautiful journey filled with ups, downs, and plenty of laughs along the way. Our collection of jokes highlights the amusing side of matrimony, perfect for couples, newlyweds, and anyone who appreciates a good laugh. From playful banter and everyday quirks to the humorous moments that only married couples can understand, our jokes capture the essence of partnership and love. So, whether you’re looking to share a smile with your spouse or just enjoy some light-hearted fun, dive into our treasure trove of marriage jokes and let the laughter begin!
At weddings old people always poke me and say you’ll be next!
It’s so annoying!…
So.. I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
I got invited to Tony the Tigers wedding.
It was a bit of a frostie reception.
The wedding invite said: ‘Guest+1’.
So I turned up an hour late.
Why did the melons plan a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe!
The therapist told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.
I said, “I can’t say I do.”
He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side.
She had to.
We’ve only got one chair.
Meatloaf got married to an accountant.
She’ll do anything for love but she won’t do VAT…
I married my wife for her looks …
Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately
Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.
I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
My wife kept saying I should treat her like a princess.
So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.
My wife said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.
I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!
I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.
When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.
My wife accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.
Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.
The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
My wife said to me, “If you won the lottery, would you leave me?”
I said, “Of course not. I’d need someone to do my new girlfriend’s laundry.”
My wife tells me I’m a skeptic – but I don’t believe a word she says.
My wife heard it’s seductive to bite her lip.
I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s meant to be the bottom one.
My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient.
I can’t wait.
My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding.
She was the one person who might have stopped it.
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
Never marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant.
I told her to close the door on the way back in.
My wife is like a luxury German car.
She emits gases and then denies it.
My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.
I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”
If my wife made whiskey …
I’d love her still.
My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.
I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”
My wife worships me.
She puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.
My wife’s cooking is incredible …
With a silent “cr”.
My wife has a really odd way of starting conversations.
She always begins by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
I visited my wife’s grave earlier today.
A guy came past and said, “Morning.”
I said, “No, just walking the dog.”
A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”
The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”
Wives are like grenades.
Remove the ring and BOOM, your house is gone!
I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids.
Apparently, she left me two days ago.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I introduced my new girlfriend to my family today.
My kids liked her, but my wife seemed kind of mad.
My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
And there’s more ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Welcome to the Wedding Jokes section of The Sage Page, where we bring a touch of humor to the most joyous of occasions! Weddings are filled with love, laughter, and unforgettable moments, and our collection of jokes captures the lighter side of tying the knot. Whether you’re a bride, groom, guest, or just someone who enjoys a good laugh, you’ll find an array of witty, charming, and downright hilarious jokes about weddings. From funny anecdotes about wedding planning to quips about married life, our jokes are sure to add a smile to your special day or brighten your mood any time you need a chuckle. Dive in and enjoy the fun as we celebrate love and laughter!
At weddings old people always poke me and say you’ll be next!
It’s so annoying!…
So.. I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
I got invited to Tony the Tigers wedding.
It was a bit of a frostie reception.
The wedding invite said: ‘Guest+1’.
So I turned up an hour late.
Why did the melons plan a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe!
The therapist told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.
I said, “I can’t say I do.”
He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side.
She had to.
We’ve only got one chair.
Meatloaf got married to an accountant.
She’ll do anything for love but she won’t do VAT…
I married my wife for her looks …
Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately
Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.
I’d never seen an insect run off to get married before!
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
My wife kept saying I should treat her like a princess.
So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.
My wife said she’d only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.
I can’t wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!
I spelled out “marry me?” in balloons outside the house of a girl I met on the internet.
When I finally met her in person for the first time, I popped the question.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She’s watching our wedding video again.
Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me, “Isn’t the bride a right ugly dog?”
“Do you mind! That’s my daughter you’re talking about!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were her father.”
“I’m not… I’m her mother.”
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I can’t seem to open any of the files.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.
The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.
“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…
If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well I think she should look at the bigger picture.
My ex girlfriend invited me to her wedding.
I told her I was busy, but I’d be there next time.
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.
My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding.
She was the one person who might have stopped it.
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.
He said, “Suit yourself.”
I got an invite to a wedding that said “Black tie only”.
But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
What do you call a wedding between two Russian people?
A Soviet Union.
I went to a cannibal wedding.
The groom toasted the bridesmaids, the best man toasted the bride and groom and the father of the bride toasted absent friends.
It was one hell of a barbecue.
Me: You really need to watch “A Series of Unfortunate Events”.
Her: Ok. Let me take out the wedding video.
I watched the video of my wedding backwards.
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It’s called “wedding cake.”
At a wedding reception, the best man said, “Would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.”
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
And there’s more ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
The Sage Page 