Feeling a bit drippy about the usual weather puns? Don’t worry, we won’t cloud your day with the same old forecasts! Welcome to the downpour of delight, where the jokes are always sprinkle-rific and guaranteed to bring a thunderstorm of laughter! This site is your personal weather station for all things rain-related humor – we’ve got puns that will make you want to umbrella yourself from amusement, one-liners that’ll have you feeling refreshed, and even some groan-worthy dad jokes that are sure to bring a light drizzle of chuckles. So, whether you’re a sunshine seeker who secretly enjoys a good downpour, or a puddle-stomping rain enthusiast, we’ve got the perfect blend of witty showers to quench your thirst for humor. Grab your metaphorical raincoat (or swimsuit, depending on your mood!), settle in, and get ready to experience a weather report unlike any other – one filled with pure, unadulterated laughter!
Why don’t owls go on dates when it’s raining?
Because it’s too wet to woo.
How much does a rainbow weigh?
Not much, they’re actually pretty light.
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again.
Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark
It’s raining cats and dogs out there.
I know, I just stepped in a poodle.
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?.
He wanted to be a polyunsaturated!
An economist friend told me to put something away for a rainy day.
I’ve gone for an umbrella.
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
But how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
As raindrops say, two’s company, three’s a cloud.
I’m saving for a rainy day.
So far, I have an anorak, a couple of macs, and a dinghy.
What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?
Max
A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.
He passed with flying colours.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Rain doesn’t fall.
Raindrops.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe.
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting.
Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.
If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
I was eating soup one day outside my favourite restaurant and it started raining.
Took me hours to finish my meal.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Tee off your funny bone! Looking to slice up some laughter on the course (or anywhere!), you’ve come to the right fairway. This is your green haven for the finest golf jokes – puns, one-liners, and groan-worthy dad jokes that are sure to putt a smile on your face. Whether you’re a seasoned pro or a weekend hacker, we’ve got the perfect giggle game to improve your score…well, maybe not your score, but definitely your mood! So grab your clubs (metaphorically speaking), and get ready to drive some laughter into your day.
Bad at golf?
Join the club.
I used to feed gorillas at my local zoo from a distance using a golf club.
I’d drive them bananas.
I’ve just invented a new Golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.
Note to self: Do NOT put them in back pocket.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today…
Doctors have said that he should be okay but he’s not out of the woods yet…
I played in the Pearl and Dean corporate golf day once…
I scored par par par par par par par par par par par…
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.
The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
I’ve worked out what’s wrong with my golf game.
I’ve been standing too close to the ball… after I hit it.
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
Why are all mini golf players depressed?
They have no drive.
For years, my family has always taught me that alcohol and golf don’t go well together.
That’s why I don’t drink and drive.
My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!
I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend’s phone to call her.
My wife complained about my obsession with golf.
I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.
Driving a golf buggy isn’t as easy as it looks.
But I’ve finally got it down to a tee.
I’m a scratch golfer.
Every time I hit the ball, I scratch my head and wonder where it went.
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?
FORE!
What is the only 4 letter word sport that starts with a ‘T’?
Golf.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing.
Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word “irony.”
Try this : I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.
Did you hear about the Mexican that got shot at the golf course?
It was a hole in Juan.
I live just down the road from a mini golf course.
You don’t even need to drive.
A guy threw his golf club into the air.
He got a birdie.
I’ve recently started to learn how to play golf but it’s not going too well.
I still have a fairway to go.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The bogeyman.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf?
On a golf corpse.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.
If you think it’s hard to meet people, try picking up the wrong ball on the golf course sometime.
The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.
Golf is the only game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.
A lion would never play golf… but a Tiger Wood.
I’m so bad at golf that I have to go get my ball retriever re-gripped more often than my clubs.
When golfers make golf jokes, are they just meta-fores?
I didn’t want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses but I couldn’t ignore the red flags any longer.
I only hit two good balls today and that was when I stood on a rake.
Golf was once a rich man’s sport but now it has millions of poor players.
Men at 25 play football.
Men at 40 play tennis.
Men at 60 play golf.
Have you noticed how as you get older your balls get smaller?
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Nice surprise bumping into my old French teacher yesterday.
She asked what I was up to these days and I said that I like to go swimming with my friend and there’s a cat on the chair…
Teacher: How much is a gram?
Pupil: Uhmm, depends on what you need
My geometry teacher has lost his parrot.
Polygon.
It turns out my school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made three jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.
I’ve been really busy teaching hobbits how to play cricket.
Bilbo’s good at catching, but he can’t really Frodo!
I gave up playing rugby at school.
All the teacher kept saying was “nice try”
My maths teacher called me average.
How mean!
I’ve been offered a job teaching poetry in prisons.
I’m considering all the prose and cons…
My teacher always said, “violence is never the answer”.
I’m stuck on the last clue on a £1000 prize crossword.
26 across – behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.
It’s V _ _ L _ N _ E
Any ideas?
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” just after a swear word.
I’ll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
I’ve decided to become a maths teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.
I just want to make a difference.
What exams do vampire teachers set?
Blood tests.
Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws. The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why do geographers find mountains so funny?
Because they’re hill areas.
What pencil did Shakespeare write with?
2B.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?
Summer.
Teacher: Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pupil: Life imprisonment!
Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!
Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, they wouldn’t need it if we paid them more.
Where do door-makers get their education?
The school of hard knocks.
Teacher: Why have you got cotton in your ears? Do you have an infection?
Pupil: Well, you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other, so I am trying to keep them it all in!
Kid comes home from the first day at school.
Mom asks, “What did you learn today?”
Kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Pupil: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
Teacher: You copied from Fred’s exam paper, didn’t you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred’s paper says “I don’t know” and you put, “Me neither!”
I asked the Gym Teacher “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.
He said, “How flexible are you?”.
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
I’m Dublin down on telling these knock-knock jokes.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Duncan.
Duncan who?
Duncan Oreos in milk is my favorite snack.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Earl.
Earl who?
Earl-y to bed, I have to go to work in the morning.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Eddy.
Eddy who?
Eddy body home?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Espresso.
Espresso who?
Espresso yourself, then everyone will know how you feel.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Feline.
Feline who?
Feline pretty good, thanks for asking.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Foal.
Foal who?
Foal me once, shame on you. Foal me twice, shame on me.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Frank.
Frank who?
Frank you for asking, it’s me.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Gene?
Gene who?
Gene in a bottle.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla a burger, I’m hungry.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Goose.
Goose who?
Goo-see who’s at the door!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Harmony.
Harmony who?
Harmony knock-knock jokes can one person tell?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s time to go.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Haven.
Haven who?
Haven’t you had enough knock-knock jokes?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Herd.
Herd who?
Herd me the first time I knocked.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Hike.
Hike who?
I didn’t know you wrote poetry.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Honey.
Honey who?
Honey, I’m home.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Hurley.
Hurley who?
Hurley bird gets the worm.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ice scream.
Ice scream who?
Ice scream when I get scared, don’t you?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ida.
Ida who?
Ida know, but you better answer.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Isadore.
Isadore who?
Isadore open or shut?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a very good day.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana come in.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Jewel.
Jewel who?
Jewel be happy to know it’s Friday!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Keith.
Keith who?
Keith calm and carry on.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken you lend me a dollar?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with you later.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Knot.
Knot who?
Knot another knock-knock joke, please!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Llama.
Llama who?
Llama find out who’s at the door.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Lass.
Lass who?
Round ‘em up cowboy!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Les.
Les who?
Les got out to dinner!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke for yourself, I’m busy.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Love.
Love who?
Aw, love you too!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Marry.
Mary who?
Marry me, I love you.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam foot got caught in the door.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
May fourth.
May fourth who?
May the fourth be with you.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good knock knock joke?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Nona.
Nona who?
Nona your business, that’s who.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
No one.
No one who?
I just told you. No one.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity.
Opportunity who?
When opportunity knocks, you answer.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive knock-knock jokes!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Peas.
Peas who?
Peas be with you.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pooch.
Pooch who?
Pooch your hat on, it’s cold out.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Repeat.
Repeat who?
OK … who, who, who!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a song, but I forgot the words.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah doctor in the house?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Says.
Says who?
Says me!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Shelly.
Shelly who?
Shelly-brate good times, c’mon!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Shirley.
Shirley who?
Shirley you must know who I am by now.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Sia.
Sia who?
Sia later!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
S’more.
S’more who?
S’more jokes on the way.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
Sure, W-H-O.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Sue.
Sue who?
Sue-prise!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Teddy.
Teddy who?
Teddy’s my birthday. Woohoo!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Tish.
Tish who?
Yes, thanks. I just sneezed.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Turnip.
Turnip who?
Turnip the music, I love this song.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Tuna.
Tuna who?
Tuna piano if it sounds off-key.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Viper.
Viper who?
Viper nose, it’s running. Ew.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Waddle.
Waddle who?
Waddle you give me to stop knocking?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne drops keep falling on my head.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Whale.
Whale who?
Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who?
I didn’t know that you are an owl!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Will.
Will who?
Will you stop with these corny jokes already?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Witch one of you keeps knocking on my door?!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Yetta.
Yetta who?
Yetta another knock-knock joke.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wren.
Wren who?
Wren will these jokes ever end?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Yeah.
Yeah who?
Yeah-hoo, I’m excited too!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Yule.
Yule who?
Yule be sorry if you don’t answer the door.
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Bowled Over with Laughter: Cracking Cricket Jokes for Every Fan
Step onto the pitch of humor with our top-tier collection of cricket jokes—perfect for die-hard fans, casual watchers, and anyone who appreciates a good pun. From clever wordplay on wickets and stumps to cheeky one-liners that hit for six, these jokes will have you grinning like you’ve just scored a century. So grab your bat, admire your spin technique, and get ready to laugh through every over!
I used to go out with a girl called Lyndsey Doyle…
She smelt like a cricket bat.
My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket.
It’s really hit me for 6.
The wife just threw six cricket balls at me…
“What’s up ?” I asked.
“It’s over” she replied.
I’ve been really busy teaching hobbits how to play cricket.
Bilbo’s good at catching, but he can’t really Frodo!
My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said, “No, I didn’t even know he could.”
Why do cricketers iron shirts well?
They have the best idea of spotting the crease.
Why cricket is known as a sport that accepts a diverse range of body types?
Because it has Fine leg, short leg and square leg.
Which bird is disliked by batsmen?
The Duck.
Why did the tail-ender uncomfortable get in trouble at the nightclub?
He faced a difficult bouncer.
Why did the team disagree with the captain’s team placing?
Because he had a silly point.
And that’s not all ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Here are ten historical events that took place on May 27th:
1703 – Peter the Great founds the city of Saint Petersburg in Russia, which later became the country’s capital for two centuries.
1813 – During the War of 1812, American forces capture Fort George in Ontario, Canada.
1930 – The 1,046-foot Chrysler Building in New York City, the tallest man-made structure at the time, opens to the public.
1933 – The Walt Disney Company releases its first full-color, full-length animated feature film, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
1941 – The British Royal Navy sinks the German battleship Bismarck in the North Atlantic during World War II.
1967 – The Australian referendum is passed, allowing the federal government to make laws for Aboriginal Australians and include them in the national census.
1996 – The first meeting of the G7 is held in Lyon, France.
1997 – The United States Supreme Court rules that the Communications Decency Act, which attempted to regulate pornography on the internet, violates the First Amendment.
1999 – The International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia in The Hague, Netherlands, indicts Slobodan Milošević and four others for war crimes and crimes against humanity committed in Kosovo.
2016 – Barack Obama becomes the first sitting U.S. president to visit Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park and meet survivors of the atomic bomb.
These events span a wide range of historical periods and topics, showcasing the diversity of occurrences on May 27th throughout history.
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Feeling offside from fun? Stuck in a penalty kick of boredom? Then slide tackle on over to this website, the ultimate pitch for soccer jokes! We’ve got a full box of hilarious content – knee-slapping puns about keepers and goals, offside jokes that will leave you laughing in the box, and maybe even a few dives into theatrical fouls (of humor, that is). Whether you’re a die-hard supporter singing from the stands or a new fan just learning the beautiful game, we’ve got jokes that will have you celebrating a hat trick of laughter. So, grab your metaphorical cleats (of wit), ditch the red card of seriousness, and prepare to be nutmeg-ed by a wave of hilarity!
Played football last night on a pitch surfaced with rubble and broken bricks.
We won 3-1 on aggregate.
My wife said I’m addicted to football stadiums, and that she’s going to divorce me.
I said, “On what grounds?”
Didn’t do well in my football teamwork exam.
I didn’t pass.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I like watching football matches when I’m at the hairdressers.
The coverage is the same but the highlights are better.
My dad was renowned for ‘thinking outside the box’.
Great guy… Terrible goalkeeper.
My mate needed a bone marrow transplant.
We found a match in Argentina.
The operation was a success.
Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.
What did the ref say to the chicken who tripped a defender?
“Fowl!”
What do you call someone who stands inside goalposts and stops the ball rolling away?
Annette.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
What is a goalkeeper’s favourite snack?
Beans on post.
Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket.
What is a ghost’s favourite football position?
Ghoulkeeper.
Why did the manager bring pencils and sketchbooks into the dressing room before the game?
He was hoping for a draw.
Who scored the most goals in the Greek Mythology League?
The centaur forward.
What did the manager do when the pitch became flooded?
He sent on his subs.
How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner
Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
They were the skipper.
And there’s more ….
Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
If the number 666 is considered evil…
Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
My mate works in a pub and likes to dress up as Mother Theresa.
It’s the best fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen, bar nun.
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.
He’s a catholic converter.
In order to make a relationship work you have to make a lot of sacrifices….
Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden.
My parents treat me like a god…
They don’t believe in me.
Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.
Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.
My friend ate some pages from a bible and now he’s ill with psalmonella poisoning…
I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer later this morning…
It’s my first day, so they’ll just be showing me the ropes.
What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk.
But I never had the chants.
I’ve just found a wallet with £20 in it. I wasn’t sure how to proceed, but then I thought, “What would Jesus do?”
So I turned it into wine.
I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water.
Eau my God.
I’ve just found out that I’m being kicked out of the druids!
So ungrateful, after all the sacrifices I made for them too…
And the Lord said unto John “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The first computer can be dated back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte, then everything crashed…
“Jesus loves you” is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Had lunch yesterday at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do takeaways.
An insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded.
I think it was a jihadi long legs.
Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that ‘brown bread’ was better than ‘white bread’..
They were Hovis witnesses.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
A bloke knocked at my door and said, “Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”.
I think he was a Je-hoover’s witness…
Took my car in for a service yesterday…
The vicar at the church was not impressed…
My wife asked me ‘What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?’
I said ‘slim to nun’
FUN FACT!
Did you know that the patron saint of checking if your bread rolls are ready to come out of the oven is St John the Bap Test…?
Turned down a job emptying laundry baskets at the local monastery as I didn’t want to pick up any dirty habits.
Plan ahead – It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.
How does the pope buy things on eBay?
He uses his papal account.
Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over & whispered: My bottom is going to sleep.
‘I know,’ replied the other, ‘I heard it snore three times.’
I’ve started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines… Prophets are going through the roof.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I used to enjoy dressing up as a nun occasionally, but now I can’t seem to get out of the habit…
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in hot oil.
I asked him “Are you the friar?”
He replied “No, I’m the chip monk…”
Praying mantises don’t all follow the same religion.
They’re in sects.
When Noah wanted to check how many bees he had, he had a look in the arc hives.
I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said,”I think I’m going to call it a day.”
I said to my mate “Do you believe in reincarnation?”
He asked “Come again?”
I said “Yep, that’s it…”
In the bible, Samson was a tough man but his father Samsonite was a real hard case….
And that’s not all …
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Here are ten historical events that took place on May 21st:
996: Pope Gregory V crowns his cousin Otto III as Holy Roman Emperor.
1502: Portuguese explorer João da Nova discovers the uninhabited island of Saint Helena in the South Atlantic Ocean.
1554: English Protestant martyr John Bradford is executed by burning at the stake during the Marian persecutions under Queen Mary I.
1856: Lawrence, Kansas, is captured and burned by pro-slavery forces during the Bleeding Kansas conflict.
1881: The American Red Cross is established by Clara Barton in Washington, D.C.
1927: Charles Lindbergh completes the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, flying from New York City to Paris in his aircraft, the Spirit of St. Louis.
1932: Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly solo nonstop across the Atlantic Ocean, flying from Newfoundland to Ireland.
1972: The island nation of Ceylon changes its name to Sri Lanka.
1991: Former Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi is assassinated by a suicide bomber associated with the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE) during an election campaign rally in Tamil Nadu.
2010: The 2010 Eurovision Song Contest is held in Oslo, Norway, with German singer Lena Meyer-Landrut winning the competition with her song “Satellite.”
These events span a wide range of historical periods and significance, showcasing the diversity of occurrences that have taken place on May 21st throughout history.
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Scroll, Laugh, Repeat: The Funniest Facebook Jokes You’ll Ever See Swipe into a world of social media mirth with our handpicked selection of Facebook jokes! From poking fun at status updates to clever quips about algorithm quirks and friend requests gone wrong, this collection celebrates the lighter side of the world’s favourite (and sometimes most frustrating) social network. Whether you’re a frequent poster or a passive scroll-stalker, these jokes are guaranteed to spark a smile and maybe even a share or two.
Farmers are leaving Facebook in droves.
Every time they put down a post, somebody takes a fence.
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’ so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’.
I really don’t want to see puns about French eggs on Facebook anymore.
Un oeuf is un oeuf.
“The problem with quotes on Facebook is that you can never tell if they’re genuine” Socrates 399 BC
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…
It’s Mark Zuckerberg.
My Facebook password has been hacked again…
This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
On my tombstone I want it to say:”I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends”
If you see a post about how to prevent coughs and sneezes don’t click on it!!
It’s a virus.
I’ve started a Facebook page for chickens.
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I was going to Post about anti-climaxes, but in the end I didn’t.
Neil Armstrong makes it to the moon and takes 5 pictures.
Girls go to the bathroom and take 57!
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
People are sometimes curious enough to become Facebook friends for a clandestine look at someone else’s boredom.
WARNING: If you get a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends!
My mate Sid’s been a victim of ID theft.
He’s now called ‘S’
I changed my password to “incorrect”.
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
Got a message today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.
I asked my wife how she avoids click-bait…
Her answer may shock you!
I was going to say something on Facebook about soul singer Gladys Knight but one of her backing singers got there just before me…
I got pipped to the post.
Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.
I’m going to log off Facebook for a bit and then log on again but wearing a padded envelope.
I’ll be back in a jiffy.
Commented on Facebook earlier about a cold sore on my lip.
Now it’s gone viral.
I was in a hotel lobby today, and told the guy behind the desk that I was there for the Facebook conference.
He said “Follow me”…
A friend of mine keeps getting Posts offering him cans of chopped ham and pork.
I’ve told him that it’s just spam.
Got advice from a mystic about how to get more likes on Facebook.
What a great social medium.
I love crossing bridges, so I set up a Facebook page about it.
Now it’s been targeted by trolls.
And that’s not all …..
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