Joke of the Day: Monday’s make-up magnum of manky mascara ….

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands…

Those were my Holland days…

My wife wants to apply for a job as a steamroller driver.

I promised her I won’t stand in her way.

I gave myself a prostate exam earlier.

That’s the last time I buy toilet roll from Lidl.

I’m writing a musical about about puns.

It’s a play on words.

I’m going to a deodorant party next weekend…

Roll on Saturday.

My pet mouse ‘Elvis’ died last night…

He was caught in a trap.

What do you call a pig with no clothes on?

Streaky bacon.

What kind of nuts are always sneezing?

Cashews.

The inventor of the USB stick has died.

Thanks for the memory.

How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 9
Step 12
Floor

What’s the best thing for a hangover?

Drink loads the night before.

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?

I’ve just saved over £50 on my weekly shop!!

These self checkouts are awesome!!

Autocorrect is so funny.

My mum tried to text “I love you” and it became “You’re a disappointment. Don’t come home”

My girlfriend said to me, “I’m fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave.”

I said, “You pack them.”

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I’ve entered the World Push-Up Championships.

I’m going to win it, hands down.

Gloria Gaynor invited six people round for dinner but one didn’t turn up.

“That’s OK,” she told her guests, “I will serve five.”

I couldn’t decide which Asian food I wanted more, Japanese or Chinese.

So I just called it a Thai.

A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.

When asked by reporters what had happened, a witness replied, “Well… it’s kind of hard to say…”

Someone tried to explain binary to me.

I couldn’t understand a bit of it.

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.

It was a house warming gift.

I called the incontinence hotline yesterday.

The lady asked if I can hold for a few minutes.

I asked the dentist what the cavity procedure would entail.

He said, “Let me fill you in.”

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This Day in History: September 10th

Certainly! Here are 10 interesting historical events that took place on September 10th:

  1. 1813: During the War of 1812, the United States successfully defended Baltimore Harbor from a British naval bombardment. This event inspired Francis Scott Key to write “The Star-Spangled Banner,” which later became the U.S. national anthem.
  2. 1846: Elias Howe received a patent for the sewing machine, revolutionizing the textile industry and modernizing clothing production.
  3. 1939: Canada declared war on Germany, joining the United Kingdom in World War II, marking its entry into the conflict.
  4. 1953: Blogger and comedian Mike Jones (aka Therese Trouserzoff) of the Pigs Arms fame in Australia, a mewling, complaining brat, blind in one eye popped into this world and changed the lives of a toolmaker and a tailoress forever.
  5. 1967: The Outer Space Treaty, which prohibits the placement of nuclear weapons in space and limits the use of the Moon and other celestial bodies to peaceful purposes, was signed by the United States, the United Kingdom, and the Soviet Union.
  6. 2001: During the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks in the United States, President George W. Bush delivered a speech addressing the nation from the Oval Office.
  7. 2008: The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world’s largest and most powerful particle accelerator, was officially inaugurated at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, in Switzerland.
  8. 2008: SpaceX’s Falcon 1 became the first privately-developed liquid-fueled rocket to reach Earth orbit. This marked a significant milestone in the commercial spaceflight industry.
  9. 2013: A chemical weapon attack occurred in the Ghouta region of Syria, resulting in significant international attention and debate over the Syrian Civil War.
  10. 2019: Japan’s Hayabusa2 spacecraft successfully deployed the MINERVA-II2 rovers onto the asteroid Ryugu, continuing its mission to study and collect samples from the asteroid’s surface.

These events span a wide range of historical periods and significance, highlighting the diversity of occurrences on September 10th throughout history.

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Joke of the Day: Friday’s feeble fountain of freudian fish food ….

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pyramid covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

It’s believed to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

Opened a mars bar once.

Discovered martians love gin.

I made some jerk chicken today.

He didn’t even say thank you.

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

An egg.

I was grilling a chicken last night.

“For the last time, why did you cross the road?”

Went for a curry the other week, had a chicken tarka.

It’s like a chicken tikka but a little otter.

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car that I was working on?..

The suspension is killing me.

I’ve decided that all dad jokes must now be written down on a piece of paper.

It’s not a dad joke unless it’s tearable…

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary…

Joke’s on them, so are they!

People say I’m condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious,

Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

One leaned over & whispered: My bottom is going to sleep.

‘I know,’ replied the other, ‘I heard it snore three times.’

A French guest, staying in a hotel in London phoned room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!” said the Frenchman.

My wife is leaving me because I keep forgetting to take the old coffee filter out of the machine…

She claims it’s grounds for divorce.

My friend bet me £100 that I couldn’t do a butterfly impression…

I thought, ‘That’s got to be worth a little flutter’…

I used to go out with a javelin thrower.

But then she chucked me.

I’m sure this petrol crisis was caused by people talking about it so much it became a self fuel filling prophecy…

Stealing clothes from washing lines.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I know loads of white sugar jokes..

I don’t have many brown sugar jokes though demerara.

Me, lazy?

Don’t get me started.

A man is at court today for damaging books by putting tippex on all the full stops.

He’s expecting a long sentence.

My motto is “Never say never.”

Which makes it very difficult to tell people my motto.

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This Day in History: September 8th

Here are 10 interesting historical events that took place on September 8th:

  1. 1504: Michelangelo’s statue of David was unveiled in Florence, Italy. This iconic masterpiece is considered one of the greatest works of Renaissance sculpture.
  2. 1565: A Spanish expedition under the leadership of Pedro Menéndez de Avilés established the first permanent European settlement in what is now the United States, founding St. Augustine, Florida.
  3. 1664: The Dutch surrendered New Amsterdam (now New York City) to the English, who renamed it New York in honor of the Duke of York.
  4. 1888: The body of Jack the Ripper’s second victim, Annie Chapman, was discovered in London’s Whitechapel district, adding to the mystery of the unsolved murders.
  5. 1900: The Galveston Hurricane, one of the deadliest natural disasters in U.S. history, struck Galveston, Texas, resulting in the deaths of thousands of people.
  6. 1930: The 3M company began marketing Scotch Tape, which went on to become one of the most widely used adhesive tapes in the world.
  7. 1943: During World War II, Italy signed an armistice agreement with the Allies, leading to the surrender of Italian forces to the Allies.
  8. 1966: The first episode of the iconic science fiction television series “Star Trek” aired on NBC in the United States, setting the stage for a lasting cultural phenomenon.
  9. 1971: The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts opened in Washington, D.C. Named in honor of the former U.S. President, it has become a renowned venue for the arts.
  10. 2016: NASA’s spacecraft Osiris-Rex was launched on a mission to study and collect samples from the near-Earth asteroid Bennu, with the aim of shedding light on the early solar system and potential asteroid threats.

These events cover a wide range of historical periods and significance, showcasing the diversity of occurrences on September 8th throughout history.

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Advice of the Day: Jigsaw Puzzles

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

The advice to use frozen chips (french fries) as a substitute for expensive jigsaw puzzles is likely meant as humor or a playful suggestion rather than practical advice. Attempting to piece together frozen chips would not be a suitable or enjoyable alternative to jigsaw puzzles for several reasons:

  1. Unsuitable Material: Frozen chips are made from potatoes, which are not designed for the precision and intricacy required for jigsaw puzzles. Their irregular shapes and sizes would make it extremely challenging and unsatisfying to create a coherent picture.
  2. Food Waste: Using frozen chips for such a purpose would result in food waste, which is not a responsible or sustainable practice.
  3. Messy and Inconvenient: As you handle the frozen chips, they will thaw and become messy, making it difficult to maintain the puzzle. Additionally, the moisture from thawing chips could damage the surface on which you are working.
  4. Lack of Entertainment Value: Jigsaw puzzles are not just about the final picture; they also offer a sense of accomplishment, relaxation, and entertainment. Attempting to assemble frozen chips would likely lack these benefits.

In conclusion, while the suggestion to use frozen chips as an alternative to jigsaw puzzles may be humorous in nature, it is not practical or advisable. If you enjoy jigsaw puzzles, it’s best to invest in traditional puzzle sets designed for that purpose to fully enjoy the experience.

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Advice of the Day: Nail Clippings

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected)

The advice to apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them and mentioning a contrasting varnish for a red carpet is likely an attempt at humor. It plays on the idea of finding a creative and humorous solution to a relatively minor problem, which is the visibility of nail clippings on a carpet.

However, it is not recommended. While the idea of making the nails more visible is understandable, using nail varnish in this manner has several drawbacks:

  1. Staining: Red nail varnish can easily stain not only your nails but also your skin and the surrounding area. Accidental spills or smudges can be challenging to remove, and you might end up with red stains on your hands, clothes, or carpet.
  2. Health Concerns: Nail varnish contains chemicals that may not be suitable for direct contact with your skin for extended periods. Prolonged exposure to nail varnish can potentially lead to skin irritation or other adverse reactions.
  3. Unnecessary Product Use: Applying nail varnish solely for this purpose is wasteful and unnecessary. There are alternative, more practical solutions to keeping track of nail clippings.

Instead, consider these alternatives to make nail clippings easier to manage and prevent them from getting lost on your carpet:

  • Use a Towel or Cloth: Place a towel or cloth under your hands while clipping your nails. This will catch the clippings and prevent them from scattering around the room.
  • Trim Nails Outdoors: On a pleasant day, consider trimming your nails outside. This way, any clippings will fall onto the ground, making cleanup much easier.
  • Use a Nail Clipper with a Catcher: Invest in a nail clipper that comes with a built-in nail catcher or a removable compartment to trap the clippings.
  • Regular Cleaning: Make it a habit to clean your bathroom regularly. Vacuuming or sweeping the floor will help you find and remove any stray nail clippings.

In conclusion, while the idea of using nail varnish to make nail clippings more visible might seem creative, it is not a practical or recommended solution due to potential staining and health concerns. Instead, opt for one of the alternative methods mentioned above to keep your bathroom clean and tidy during your nail grooming routine.

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Joke of the Day: Friday’s fortuitous fable of frankly fictional figures ….

I want to give up being a postman to become a comedian, but my delivery is awful.

Someone I know has got a job writing a new dictionary.

I’ve asked him to put a word in for me.

I got a new job as a chiropodist and found the first day really difficult.

I guess I was still finding my feet.

I lost my job at a fish bait company.

I opened a whole can of worms.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I gave up ploughing because I was stuck in a rut.

I quit my job at the coffee shop.

Couldn’t stand the daily grind.

I made a name for myself whilst working in the Deed Poll office.

Went for a job as a blacksmith.

Chap asked me if I had ever shoed a horse.

I said “No, but I’ve told a donkey to go away”.

A friend of mine got a job as a judge for a mime talent contest.

It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.

I had to give up my job at the dress alteration company.

Apparently, I didn’t turn up enough.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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This Day in History: August 31st

Here are 10 interesting historical events that took place on August 31st:

  1. 1888: Mary Ann Nichols becomes the first known victim of the infamous serial killer Jack the Ripper in London, England.
  2. 1895: German Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin patents his navigable balloon, leading to the development of the Zeppelin airship.
  3. 1939: World War II begins as Germany invades Poland, prompting Britain and France to declare war on Germany two days later.
  4. 1962: Trinidad and Tobago gain independence from the United Kingdom, becoming a sovereign nation.
  5. 1980: The Solidarity labor movement is founded in Gdańsk, Poland, marking a significant step in the struggle against communist rule.
  6. 1986: The Soviet passenger liner SS Admiral Nakhimov collides with a cargo ship in the Black Sea, resulting in one of the deadliest maritime disasters in history with over 400 casualties.
  7. 1991: Kyrgyzstan declares its independence from the Soviet Union, becoming an independent nation.
  8. 1997: Diana, Princess of Wales, along with her companion Dodi Fayed and their driver Henri Paul, are killed in a car crash in the Pont de l’Alma tunnel in Paris, France.
  9. 2006: Edvard Munch’s famous painting “The Scream” is stolen from the Munch Museum in Oslo, Norway. It is recovered two years later.
  10. 2012: The Mars rover Curiosity successfully lands on Mars, beginning its mission to explore the planet’s surface and search for signs of past or present life.

These events span a wide range of historical and cultural significance, showcasing the diversity of occurrences on August 31st throughout history.

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Advice of the Day: Home Security

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.


While the idea of moving everything into your bedroom at night and then moving it back in the morning might seem like a creative approach to preventing burglaries, it’s not a practical or effective solution. This approach has several significant drawbacks:

  1. Inconvenience: Moving all your belongings back and forth on a daily basis would be highly inconvenient and time-consuming. It would disrupt your daily routine and potentially lead to frustration.
  2. Limited Effectiveness: Burglars may still find ways to access your bedroom or take advantage of the situation. Additionally, they might observe this pattern and choose to strike when they know your belongings are outside your bedroom.
  3. False Sense of Security: Relying solely on this strategy could create a false sense of security. While it might deter some opportunistic burglars, determined criminals could still find ways to break in.
  4. Unsustainability: This practice is not sustainable in the long run. The effort and time required to move everything back and forth would likely lead to exhaustion and eventual abandonment of the strategy.

Instead of resorting to such impractical measures, here are some more effective steps to help prevent burglaries:

  1. Security Measures: Invest in solid locks, deadbolts, and secure windows for your home. Consider installing a security system with alarms and cameras.
  2. Outdoor Lighting: Adequate outdoor lighting can deter burglars by making it difficult for them to approach your property unnoticed.
  3. Neighbors and Community: Build relationships with your neighbors and participate in community watch programs. This can create a sense of vigilance and discourage criminals.
  4. Home Automation: Use smart home technology to simulate occupancy when you’re away by controlling lights, blinds, and electronics remotely.
  5. Hide Valuables: Keep valuable items out of sight from windows, so they are not easily visible to potential burglars.
  6. Landscaping: Trim bushes and shrubs near windows and entrances to eliminate potential hiding spots for burglars.
  7. Lock Doors and Windows: Always lock doors and windows when you leave the house, even if it’s just for a short time.
  8. Home Security Signs: Display signs indicating that your home is protected by a security system, even if you don’t have one. These signs can act as a deterrent.
  9. Social Media Caution: Avoid sharing travel plans or other information that could signal your absence on social media.
  10. Secure Valuables: Consider storing important documents, expensive jewelry, and other valuables in a secure home safe.

Remember that prevention is key, and a combination of practical security measures, community involvement, and common sense can go a long way in deterring burglars and ensuring the safety of your home and belongings.

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Quote of the Day: Ignorance

“Ignorance, the root and stem of all evil.”

Plato

Plato (c. 427–347 BCE) was an ancient Greek philosopher and one of the most influential figures in Western philosophy. He was a student of Socrates and the teacher of Aristotle. Plato’s contributions to philosophy covered a wide range of topics, including metaphysics, ethics, politics, epistemology, and aesthetics.

Plato’s ideas were often presented through dialogues, written in the form of conversations between his mentor Socrates and other characters. These dialogues explored various philosophical concepts and questions, often with Socrates leading the discussions.

Some of Plato’s most notable philosophical concepts include:

  1. Theory of Forms: Plato posited the existence of an eternal and unchanging realm of abstract forms or ideals that represent the true reality behind the imperfect physical world. According to this theory, everything in the physical world is a mere imperfect copy or reflection of these ideal forms.
  2. Allegory of the Cave: This allegory, found in Plato’s work “The Republic,” is a metaphorical representation of the journey from ignorance to enlightenment. It describes a group of people chained inside a cave, mistaking the shadows on the cave wall for reality, until one of them escapes and discovers the true world outside.
  3. Philosopher-King: In his work “The Republic,” Plato proposed an ideal state governed by philosopher-kings—enlightened individuals who possess wisdom and knowledge of the Forms. He believed that such rulers would be best equipped to lead a just and harmonious society.
  4. Tripartite Soul: Plato’s view of the human soul divided it into three parts: reason, spirit, and desire. He argued that achieving a well-balanced soul was essential for leading a virtuous and fulfilled life.
  5. Epistemology: Plato explored questions about knowledge and how we come to know things. He introduced the concept of “anamnesis,” suggesting that learning is actually a process of remembering knowledge that the soul already possesses from its preexistence in the realm of Forms.
  6. Ethics: Plato’s ethical philosophy was centered on the idea of achieving the highest good, which he identified with the harmonious development of the soul. He believed that virtue was essential for a well-lived life.
  7. Politics: Plato’s writings on politics, especially in “The Republic,” discussed the organization of an ideal state and the role of justice in society. He advocated for a class-based society led by philosopher-kings and emphasized the importance of specialization.

Plato’s works have had a profound and lasting influence on Western thought, shaping the development of philosophy, politics, and various other disciplines. His ideas continue to be studied and debated by philosophers and scholars to this day.

The quote “Ignorance, the root and stem of all evil” suggests that lack of knowledge and understanding is the fundamental cause or origin of all wrongdoing, harm, or negative actions in the world. In other words, the idea conveyed is that many problems, conflicts, and negative outcomes arise from a lack of awareness, understanding, or education.

This quote implies that if people were more informed, educated, and aware, they would be less likely to engage in harmful behaviors or make poor decisions. Ignorance can lead to misunderstandings, prejudices, and irrational actions, often resulting in negative consequences for individuals and society as a whole.

The sentiment behind this quote is often used to emphasize the importance of education, critical thinking, and seeking knowledge in order to prevent or address various social, ethical, and personal issues. It implies that by addressing ignorance and promoting education, individuals and communities can work towards creating a more just, informed, and ethical society.

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