Monday’s menagerie of misquotes …

I always feel warm on my birthday because people don’t stop toasting me.

Age is a relative thing.

All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.

“Were any famous men born on your birthday?”

“No, only little babies.”

The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

I once dated a girl with a twin.

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill coloured her nails purple and bob had a penis

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it’s been great…

I love being my own boss.

Most people are shocked when they find out…

How incompetent I am as an electrician.

My son asked: “Are these gay cows, Daddy?”

“No, they’re bison,” I replied.

At first, my girlfriend didn’t want to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed her mind.

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?

Because he’s a rocket man!

I bought one of those ‘smart light switches’ but it was much too clever…

So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.

I’ve got a rare skin condition that looks like I’m covered in camouflage.

I went to the doctor but he said he couldn’t see me…

Took my car in for a service yesterday…

The vicar at the church was not impressed…

I found a four leaf clover!

It’s a bit creased, I was going to iron it but I don’t want to press my luck..

Did my first nude painting this morning.

The neighbours weren’t happy but the front door looks great!

Just lost in the final of the ‘UK Crossword Championship’…

Gutted isn’t the word!

I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges…

I told him probably to put them on eBay…

Just finished reading a new book called “Falling off a cliff” by Eileen Dover.

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine.

I’m going to take it for a spin later…

I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week. It was OK.

Nothing to write home about.

When is liberty worth fighting a revolution for?

When is liberty worth fighting a revolution for?

In this essay, I will argue that there are only a few occasions when liberty is worth fighting a revolution for, and I will illustrate this by discussing the ideas and works of English philosophers Thomas Hobbes (1588–1679) and John Locke (1632 – 1704). Both philosophers were alive and wrote at a time of great civil unrest in England, the former writing in exile during the English Civil War, and the latter writing his treatise on government a year after the Glorious Revolution of 1688. I will argue that within a commonwealth our individual rights cannot come before society’s collective rights and that equality of outcome is not the same as equality of opportunity. Central to my argument is that if the state is meeting its obligations (principally when there is a recorded and agreed covenant with the people) then revolution is unjust, especially if it is for personal benefit. I will also argue that fighting for the rights of others is not justified on the basis of “I know better than them”.

At this point it is important to discuss what is meant by “liberty”. The Oxford English Dictionary (O.E.D.) defines liberty as ‘The state or condition of being free’ and this inevitably leads on to examining the O.E.D. definition of “freedom” which is ‘The state or fact of being free from servitude, constraint, inhibition, etc.; liberty’. But freedom is more than being “free from” (a negative freedom), it also involves being “free to” (a positive freedom). While considering terminology, I will argue from the viewpoint that “fighting a revolution” in this context would involve a violent or armed struggle to either overthrow the governing body or at the very least, to change laws that were unpalatable or intolerable to members of that society. That said, it is worth mentioning that at the time of Hobbes’ and Locke’s writings, sedition (considered to be treason) was a capital offence in England.

To understand Hobbes’ views on liberty it is necessary to appreciate that when he viewed freedom it was in terms of “freedom from” the state of nature. Hobbes’ described the “state of nature” in his tetralogy of books Leviathan in 1651 by undertaking a thought experiment – this was to mentally go back to a time in mankind’s history before there was civilisation, government, organised rule or civic duty. In such times, Hobbes surmised, life would be ‘nasty, brutish, and short’. Hobbes considered that lack of civil authority would allow individuals complete freedom to follow their base desires, resulting in a perpetual state of conflict at the individual and family levels, where everyone would be forced to try and hold on to (or take from another) whatever meagre possessions they had. Under this regime no community activities such as farming, industry, or education would be possible, thus even rudimentary civilisation could not be founded. So Hobbes believed that where there was an absence of a sovereign power or government that provided law, negative liberty would result. Thus, the state of nature was a prescription for disorder and lawlessness. The result of this would be people only using their ‘liberty’ in negative ways, to plunder and pillage others.

Hobbes expands his views on liberty in Chapter 21 of Leviathan by explaining that when people act within the law they do so with liberty, and therefore it would seem absurd to want liberty from the very laws that were there to protect you. Furthermore, when people act outside the laws, they do so without the protection of those laws, thus they are in effect returning to the state of nature. So Hobbes very much expounded the concept that with freedom comes obligation (to follow the law of the land).

John Locke recorded his thoughts on societal liberty in his publication Two Treatises of Civil Government in 1689, almost three decades after Hobbes’ Leviathan. Locke re-affirmed Hobbes’ postulate that liberty is synonymous with acting within the law when he stated ‘all the states of created beings capable of laws, where there is no law, there is no freedom for inWhilst Locke’s views on the state of nature differed from Hobbes, in that he thought that pre-societal life was more harmonious and less chaotic, he agreed with Hobbes by arguing against the potential anarchy of an uncivilised state by writing ‘for liberty is, to be free from restraint and violence from others; which cannot be, where there is no law’.

It can be seen that both philosophers considered true liberty to be only possible within a society governed by laws, hence both favoured a commonwealth with a sovereign power (be that one person or a collective) at its head. Therefore, both Locke and Hobbes discussed types of governance and agency within a commonwealth and then asserted that individual rights cannot trump the collective rights of that society where a sovereign commits to protect its individuals. Hobbes writes in Leviathan that the common good (or collective good of a society) does not differ from the private good in other animal species. It could be argued though that Hobbes and Locke provide us with three premises for liberty within a commonwealth, each of which needs to be tested. The first premise is that people in society only have true liberty when they are governed by laws, secondly that we consent to keep these laws, and thirdly that the collective good outweighs or is equal to the individual good.

To bolster the first premise Hobbes argues in Chapter 13 of Leviathan that even within a lawful society we lock away belongings, and lock our doors at night when we sleep. Hobbes believed that liberty was only possible when there were laws and punishments for breaking them. Locke addressed a weakness in the second premise which is that people do not “sign up” to a covenant within a commonwealth and there is no written agreement between citizens and the sovereign in almost every state, but he countered this by stating that ‘every man, that hath any possessions, or enjoyment, of any part of the dominions of any government, doth thereby give his tacit consent, and is as far forth obliged to obedience to the laws of that government’. In simple terms, Locke stated that even when enjoying the simple freedom of walking down a state’s highway you have given your tacit consent to follow that state’s laws. The third premise is argued by Hobbes with respect to utility and security, and Barber explains Hobbes’ premise by saying ‘A common power of this kind […] is only possible if everyone hands over all their power to a single man or a single body of men’.Thus, when all members of society have the benefit of security of this central power, by definition every individual enjoys those benefits equally. It follows then, that they are not subservient to any individual in the state, only to the sovereign.

If the above conditions of liberty are provided within a commonwealth, then when would it be possible to fight a revolution? It was Hobbes’ view that the only valid exception to fight a revolution is for the preservation of the first right in the law of nature- that being to protect ourselves from death, injury or imprisonment. Furthermore, to assert this point Hobbes’ considered why it was that men fight or come to a state of war with each other. Hobbes’ concluded there were three reasons: ‘The first, maketh men invade for Gain; the second, for Safety; and the third, for Reputation’.

So Hobbes’ remedy lay in addressing these root causes by ensuring that the covenant between the individual and the sovereign within the commonwealth provided strong laws and security. While the covenant is intact and the sovereign is providing security, people are compelled not to revolt. To re-enforce this, Hobbes believed that to make citizens comply with the law, the punishment for any offence must be greater than any potential gain from committing that crime. However, if the sovereign cannot provide this security, either in the immediate short term (for example when an individual is confronted by a thief), or in the long term through dereliction of duty or lack of law enforcement, then citizens become entitled to fight as a person cannot give away their first right in the law of nature to protect oneself. Hobbes went further in his heeding of revolutions by stating that when commonwealths are set up by revolution the subjects are ruled by fear and not by trust, as there is no covenant in place, and he concluded that ‘rebellion was like war renewed’. Locke, similarly, held the principle that when citizens act outside the law then they act outside the state of nature and therefore they are acting in a state of war. In such cases, they have the right to protect themselves using force not normally permitted within the law.

It can be seen that a pre-condition for a safe and secure society for both Hobbes and Locke was a commonwealth in which the sovereign power provided fair and just laws to protect its citizens, but could this state be seen to be fair and equitable if the sovereign power was exempt from (or above) the law? Hobbes believed that the sovereign is subject to the laws of nature but not to civil law, for if he were bound by civil law then it would necessitate a sovereign above him setting and enforcing that law. Locke did not accept this view, and considered that rulers, be they monarchs or elected government, should be subject to civil law, and went on to argue that ‘wherever law ends, tyranny begins’. This difference between Hobbes and Locke is important, for if you follow Locke’s viewpoint then there is a greater need to legitimise the covenant between sovereign and citizen through a formal written treatise to prevent digressions and excesses of that sovereign power. In 1689, The Bill of Rights (1688) became law in England and although Locke was not credited with authorship, it is believed that his political philosophy was the bedrock of its content. In this legislation, the King could no longer circumnavigate laws enacted by a Parliament which was voted for and made up of, the people. He could no longer keep a standing army without parliamentary approval. This law also made freedom of speech and petition of the King legal, and it gave citizens the right to bear arms for their own protection. In effect, Locke had overcome some of the objections against Hobbes’s view on liberty by proposing a system where there was greater accountability of the ruling power and greater equity for the citizens.

Therefore, both Hobbes and Locke agreed that there are determinable bases for when it is worth fighting a revolution in the cause of liberty; these being for Hobbes the right of self-defence to protect oneself against individuals or the sovereign at such times when that sovereign can no longer provide protection; and for Locke, citizens have the right to rebel when their leader becomes a tyrant and acts outside the civil laws, or their government can no longer protect them.

A flaw to this limited approach is that whilst rules and obligations are in place to provide every citizen with basic liberties to live peacefully within a set legislative framework designed to protect life and provide a base level of security, there is no consideration of minimum standards for the quality of life or for the means of provision thereof. Any liberty under such a regime can be described as the enactment of negative rights (laws to prevent yourself and others from doing harm). To address this Locke argued that natural rights extend beyond life and liberty, a third right being that of individual property, stating a citizen entering society does so ‘only with an intention in everyone the better to preserve himself, his liberty and property; (for no rational creature can be supposed to change his condition with an intention to be worse)’. Locke proposed that in a commonwealth there is communal property that everybody owns and is available to all, and as soon as a man puts his labour into the provisions nature has provided it becomes his, with the caveat that he does not take more natural resource than that which would deprive others of their fair share. In other words, property is the fruit of labour. Therefore, he considered that there is equality of opportunity if men are free and unhindered to use nature’s resources and that they would have agency to shape their destiny. Thus any inequality and personal hardship would lie in the inequality of outcome, not opportunity.

This argument against inequity, though, still falls short of being a positive right (that is to say, the state providing minimum means of sustenance). A premise could be put forward that if the standard of subsistence in a state is declining or has declined below that which is necessary to give a healthy and secure living, then conditions are met for disenfranchising oneself from that state. However, this hardship premise again is problematic, in that without recorded and universal subsistence standards, any ranking of individual circumstances is subjective. Furthermore, it could be argued that as long as the majority of the population is above the arbitrary subsistence threshold then the greater good of the community is being met by the state, and the rights of any individual below the threshold do not supersede those of the majority.

Therefore, individual rights should not take precedence over the collective good. And even if the majority of the population fell below a poverty or hardship threshold but they were content with the sovereign, then it could also be argued that it would be ethically wrong for an individual to fight on others behalf; this would be to presumptuously act as a surrogate for other less well off citizens in the belief that “I know better than them”, and would go against the collective will. It follows, therefore, that the decision to fight a revolution must be in regard to an individual’s personal circumstances together with the irrefutable knowledge that it is the will of the majority of the people to fight, and that will is for the good of the majority of the people.

I mentioned in my introduction that I would limit my arguments around the term “fighting” a revolution to that of violent struggle. It is fair to state that this is a limited stance as violence is at one end of a wide spectrum of revolutionary measures that can be taken to oppose a regime (the other end being acts such as distributing propaganda or peaceful marches). However, if one were to believe that armed conflict, which may lead to the taking of lives, is only permissible when one’s own life is in immediate peril, then it is important to appreciate that any act of opposition or sedition, however seemingly small, may lead to a violent conclusion. There are numerous examples throughout history where justifiable non-violent direct action has resulted in civil disobedience and loss of life, and the threat of violence from either the protestors’ or state’s side often results in the arming of both.

In conclusion, if a state has a tacit or written set of rights or a formal constitution within a commonwealth, and if the sovereign does not break the covenant with its citizens, it follows that there is no right to revolution, as sufficient individual liberty exists within this framework. The notable exception to this is the need for immediate self-preservation which supersedes all agreements. Self-preservation encompasses the right of an individual to prevent harm to life, health, and freedom from imprisonment. During those times when an individual does not enjoy the protection and security of its sovereign power, an individual is deemed to be free from any covenant and is put into a state of war, thus enabling them to act outside the laws of nature which includes the right to fight with proportionate violence.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

Friday’s fortune of funnies …

I’m out Birdwatching with Sinead O’Connor today.

So far it’s been 7 owls and 15 Jays

I’ll never forget my gran’s final words to me.

“What are you doing with that hammer!?”

My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra.

Grandma took it pretty hard.

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy.

However, that’s not the case.

So what if I can’t spell Armagedon?

It’s not the end of the world.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn’t complain.

I come from a family of entertainers, my father was a failed magician.

I’ve also got two half-sisters.

Why would glass coffins be popular?

Remains to be seen.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with goats.

Meh.

If I got 50 pence for every math exam I failed…

I’d have £7.35 now.

Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken ?”

Thursday’s torrent of testiments ….

Bought a new shrub trimmer today! I proudly it showed my son, “Check this out!”

He replied, “That’s great, dad.”

I said…”It’s cutting hedge technology!”

I got stung by nettles earlier…

He charged me £200 for a signed ‘Bergerac’ DVD!!

I recently attended a concert in Hawaii to celebrate the career of the woman who sang “Shout!”.

I went to honour Lulu…

My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

He didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

Just been to visit my mates new baby, they asked me if I wanted to wind him..

I thought that was a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg.

My girlfriend accused me of having OCD..

I soon put her in her place.

How deep would the ocean be without sponges?

I enjoyed my first time ever bobbing up and down in the sea yesterday…

It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy…

I bought a ‘self assembly’ bird table last week…

I put it in the garden and they haven’t even opened the box yet!

If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.

That way he could introduce himself, “I’m Harley, David’s son.”

What type of people never get angry?

Nomads.

Why don’t the Jedi have a navy?

Because sailing is a path to the dockside.

My wife asked me, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

Wednesday’s wonderland of wit ….

I think the heat is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.

I used to have hundreds and thousands of them…

I just sold all my glove puppets.

A collector phoned and offered me £200 to take them off my hands…

Doctor: “How’s the patient doing, the one who swallowed all the 20p coins?”

Nurse: “No change yet.”

One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics…

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic toy horses stuck up his bottom.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Why were the Dark Ages so dark?

Because there were so many knights.

If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”

Saying, “It’s ‘WHOM shall I shoot first?'” is not the best answer.

Old yachtsmen don’t die…

They just keel over.

I just ate a frozen apple.

Hardcore.

I went for a curry the other day & got some terrible news.

My naan had slipped into a korma…

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I accidentally got locked inside a mirror shop last night…

Still, it gave me time to reflect…

I’m struggling with these shoes I bought from East Asia..

They came with two pairs of laces but I can only Taiwan…

I took a photo of a mouse yesterday…

He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it…

BREAKING NEWS!

Police are currently investigating a raid at Tiffany’s in London.

The suspects were last seen running just as fast as they can…

My cat always gets excited when I put the movie ‘Flashdance’ on…

What a feline!

I went into a shop to buy a stretcher.

They asked if I wanted to try it out…

I said “No, I don’t want to get carried away…”

After a call from the hospital, I hurried there and asked the receptionist; “My wife has been rushed here with severe buttock spasms, where is she?”

She said “ICU baby, shakin’ that ass”.

f(x)=2×1 walks into a bar.

The barman says,Sorry, we don’t cater for functions’.

My neighbour keeps posting joss sticks through my letterbox!

I’m incensed!

Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island…

Can he fix it? Corsican!

I’ve just watched an interesting factual TV programme about a man who tries to hit insects with a rolled up newspaper…

It was a fly-on-the-wall documentary.

A bloke knocked at my door and said, “Can I come in your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”.

I think he was a Je-hoover’s witness…

Thursday’s trolley of tripe ….

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock.

We had a big falling out though, and now she wont give me the time of day…

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

To the lad who stole my weight loss pills…

You’ll have nothing to gain.

I was eating at a restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, ”Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, ”I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

How much does a lizard weigh?

Depends on the scales.

My Granddad has the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

You’re all invited to my recycling party on Saturday at 8pm.

Bring a bottle.

Breaking News

The Irish fencing team have withdrawn from the Olympics already!!

They’ve ran out of creosote

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive example is adequate.

I was buying my wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant; “Are these knickers satin?”

“No” she said, “They’re brand new…”

I’m doing an online DJ set for a Devon & Cornwall radio station playing 60’s and 70’s hits.

I can’t decide whether to play The Jam or Cream first though…

I decided to trace my pet frogs ancestry…

Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked “so what’s your special talent?”

I said “I do bird impressions!”

They said “sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!”

I said “fair enough!!”… and flew out the window!

I met a guy the other day who was totally obsessed with monorails…

Talk about having a one-track mind…

I took my wife to the hall of mirrors at the funfair last night.

“Look at your funny shaped face and big bum!!” she laughed.

I’m glad she enjoyed it but we were still in the car at this point…

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Agad”

“Agad who?”

“Push pineapple shake the tree”

Remember the singer Yazz?

She now works as an elevator attendant.

She’s not very good at it…

Why do we have speed limits, and why do we have speed cameras?

The Locomotive Act 1865 (also known as Red Flag Act) required at least one person to precede on foot any self-propelled vehicle at a distance of not less than 60 yards, and that person had to at all times display a red flag and warn pedestrians and horse drawn carriages of their approach and assist as necessary. The act was repealed in 1896.

Everybody breaks the speed limit, right? So that’s okay because if I do and you do then it IS okay because we all do it sometimes. The 30 mph speed limit is a great exemplar of our collective justification for rule breaking – and in particular, our sense of indignation and sense of injustice when we get caught driving just a little over that limit. And if we were driving safely and, in our own opinion, we are a good driver (presumably based on the fact that we never get caught) this heightens our sense of unfairness.

On every road we think we know our own personal risk, and this view is further supported by our observation of the hazard signage displayed by the authorities. When a speed limit is set on an urban road, the majority of people that live on that road think that the speed limit is set too high. This is because it adversely impacts their risk to life and health (and the risk to their family also) to a far greater extent than that of the passing commuter. For example, if your child has to cross your road on a daily basis on their walk to school, then in your opinion the lower the speed limit the better. But for everybody else that drives on a road that is not their own, the speed limit is too low because they can’t see how or why the speed limit was set, and it’s not their children crossing the road.

Indeed, even on your own road it is permissible for you to break the speed limit because you know the road and the dangers, but it seems that other road users drive too fast on your road even when they are sticking to the limit.

When it comes to fixed speed cameras people drive within the limits. When that camera was put in place it was because there had been fatal accidents at that location. Conversely, just because there is no speed camera does not mean that there has not been any fatalities, it just means there hasn’t been a sufficient number of fatalities to invoke the installation of a camera. If motorists’ behaviour doesn’t change at such a location then a speed camera might ultimately arrive there. And the speed camera isn’t there to make people drive slower in order for them to avoid a fine, the camera is there to stop more people dying!

The argument about the acceptance of breaking speed limits lies between the two camps of “self” and “other”. As self, I think it’s okay to break the speed limit, and in others I think its wrong. This can be demonstrated by re-examining the locations of speed cameras. Between self and other there needs to be an arbiter or authority. One of the conditions that a local authority must meet to get a speed camera installed is that there has to have been at least two collisions resulting in people being killed or seriously injured in the preceding three years. Local residents want the road on which they live to be a safe place. From 1992 to 2016, speed cameras on UK roads reduced fatalities by between 58 to 68 per cent within 500 metres of the camera.

But instead of installing a speed camera to save lives, would it not be best to leave the open coffins of dead juvenile casualties by the road side, or perhaps show photographs of the victims, or display a poster listing the fatalities? In a civilised society we think not, instead we attempt to enforce the law. To display or portray the dead would be injudicious and insensitive. However, it would be possible to knock on the doors of the residents that live adjacent to those cameras and ask them if they know who died on their stretch of road, and unsurprisingly these residents will know precisely each of the fatalities in the last three years. But if you take that same resident back to the road where you live and ask them about the fatalities on your road, the chances are they will be ignorant to these facts, for that is your knowledge. Therefore, understandably, we all believe that we know better than others. Thus to enforce the law is to give you the level of safety you ultimately want on your own stretch of road on every road.

What is the purpose of any law? It is simply to induce people to act in the best way to protect and benefit not only themselves but the community around them. Laws set communal standards, ensure fairness and equity, arbitrate disputes, and protect our individual liberties and rights. Laws help people to act in the best way that they would act were there to be no law at all. Laws require people to act in a way that is the best for everybody and hopefully to the detriment of nobody. And herein lies a problem – can you enact a law in which everybody’s best interests are met on all occasions?

All laws should have the fewest words possible because each word has ambiguity, and ambiguity leads to interpretation, or wilful misinterpretation . Laws are there to encourage the maximum benefit, not the minimum compliance. Laws are in place not to ensure people do what they’ve got to do or even what they ought to do, laws are in place so people will do what they would choose to do for the maximum benefit of the community in which they live.

Surely when making a law we must go further than that just discussed? Laws are there to protect those members of society who cannot understand and follow laws; those members of our community that do not have the capacity, either mentally or physically, or through being too old or too young, to be cognisant and/or complicit. To these people the law must provide safety and security. So even if we feel that a law may not be applicable to us, hopefully we can appreciate it is applicable for those people we need to protect, the elderly (the generation above us) and the young (the generation below us), because even though by breaking a law there may be no damage to ourselves, there may be damage to those who have not got our ability of self-preservation without that law being in place.

It doesn’t change the fact that EVERYBODY breaks the law. A point or two on law. There is a legal term which comes from Latin – tu quoque. Quite simply, it is not an admissible defence in English law to say – “Well you did it too!”. Just because other people break the law knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or unintentionally, it does not give you the moral or legal right to break it also. And when it comes to intention there is another legal term that comes into play – malice aforethought – or to put more simply – did you plan to commit the crime or was it a misadventure? The legal difference between murder and manslaughter is that of intent.

The Red Flag Act was repealed 31 years after its introduction. This relaxation was to give people responsibility for their own actions and safety. One hundred and twenty five years later we have a complex set of road traffic rules – all of them enacted to do the same job as the man with the red flag. A total of 1,752 people were killed in reported road traffic accidents in the UK in 2019, and that year there were 25,945 seriously injured casualties on UK roads. In the UK the Penalty Point (PentiP) system recorded 2.4 million motoring offences in 2017. When we don’t see the coffins, we don’t see the rules.

And then in 2020 there was Covid and those “pointless” Covid rules. On the upside, lockdown meant fewer cars on the road so I guess there will be fewer road traffic accidents when the 2020 figures are released. The downside is one year on, we have had 125,000 UK Covid deaths and counting. Thank God we don’t see the coffins.

Thank you for reading my writings. If you’d like to, you can buy me a coffee for just £1 and I will think of you while writing my next post! Just hit the link below…. (thanks in advance)

Tuesday’s tirade of trifles …

My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”…

Good man, terrible geologist.

What’s a dyslexic wizard’s biggest problem?

They can’t spell.

My 4-year-old daughter just said to me:

“Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said on the internet? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest? It seems as though they require positive reinforcement from people on the internet they’ve never met.”

My girlfriend told me that she used to be Christian.

“That’s not a problem,” I told her.

“Thanks, I’m much happier being a Christine now,” she replied.

I just got asked the time by a British Gas repair man.

So I told him it was between 8am and 1pm

Just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals!!

Not on my watch!

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary – those that do, and those that don’t.

I went to a ‘music themed’ fancy dress party as a harp.

The host said “You’re not a harp, your costume is too small!”

I said “Are you calling me a lyre?”

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently…

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea.

Monday’s medley of mockeries

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend’s inhaler…

The neighbours think I’m a stud when they hear her panting heavily “Give it to me!”

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same.

Then you’ll have a match.

I’m 60 days clean now.

It’s been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

Trainee: I’ve helped prepare the curry for you

Chef: How exactly?

Trainee: I turned the butter into ghee

Chef: Thanks for clarifying

If today has taught me three things, it’s that I should write more stuff down and two other things.

Me and the girlfriend bought a waterbed to spice up our love life.

It doesn’t work though!

We’ve drifted further apart.

I bought a battery powered clock today.

When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.

I thought “This is a wind up!”

Forecast for tonight: Dark

Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.

They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.

When I told my girlfriend I had been seeing her sister you could hear a pin drop.

Then I saw the grenade in her hand!

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday…

I’ll tell her it’s pronounced ‘spade’ when I give it to her later…

Yorkshire proofreaders…

Fighting the war on t’error…

Went to the shops in Yorkshire, I asked where I could find towels and was given directions to a bird sanctuary…

My wife is always nagging me about my obsession with Lulu songs…

She makes me want to shout…

I’ve just opened an ‘Elvis Presley themed’ steak house.

It’s aimed at people who love meat tender…

I just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland!

Quid each!

Friday’s freight of festivities …

“I was running away from an erupting volcano and I tripped up on a rock!”

“Krakatoa?”

“No but I twisted my ankle…”

What’s the scariest word to hear from your surgeon?

“Ooops!”

The three things I’m grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

Which is heavier: a litre of water or a litre of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern!

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

That priest is in prison now.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me…

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

School days, I remember them well.

Footy at dinner, crafty fag round smokers corner, snogging the girls behind the bike shed…

Bloody miss that caretaker job.

I’ve started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof!

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question

A good pun is its own reword.

A day for firm decisions!

Or is it?

I’m going on a camping holiday but I’m not happy with my travel insurance.

Apparently, if my tent blows away during the night I’ll no longer be covered…