Monday Jokes

I spent hours trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…

It’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term, “One Hit Wonder”…came up with any other phrases.

My parents treat me like a god…

They don’t believe in me.

The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this guy splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”

“It’s alright, buddy,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my eye out.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

A jump lead walks into a bar.

The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”

“Is this her first child?” he asked.

“No, this is her husband.”

My Twitter password has been hacked again…

This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…

I used to be in a band called ‘The Palindromes’.

Our first single was “If I Had A Hi Fi”.

I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.

No tern was left unstoned.

I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…

I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said “No”.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?


Published by The Sage Page


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