I spent hours trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was.
But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…
It’s Mark Zuckerberg.
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term, “One Hit Wonder”…came up with any other phrases.
My parents treat me like a god…
They don’t believe in me.
The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
I’m easily lead.
I went fishing at the weekend and there was this guy splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”
“It’s alright, buddy,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly took my eye out.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” he asked.
“No, this is her husband.”
My Twitter password has been hacked again…
This will be the third time I’ve had to rename the dog…
I used to be in a band called ‘The Palindromes’.
Our first single was “If I Had A Hi Fi”.
I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.
No tern was left unstoned.
I failed my Greek mythology exam last week…
I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said “No”.
Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland?
Disneyland…
The Sage Page 