My Dad always used to tell me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”
He was a lovely man. Terrible geologist though.
My girlfriend just left me because of my obsession with cricket.
It’s really hit me for 6.
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.
But don’t worry…
I’ll return.
What was Oman called before it officially become a nation?
Oboy.
When I was little my Dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.
I didn’t really – he was just putting words in my mouth.
I’m giving away my chimney for free.
It’s on the house.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it.
I dreamt I had to write my own epitaph.
That’s a grave sign.
The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.
They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”
Never works on me, ladies.
What happens if someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they’re standing.
Prison may be just one word.
But to some, it’s a whole sentence.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one…
Girlfriend: “I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective!, I think we should split up”
Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way”
The Sage Page 