I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
To the scumbag that stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my shop!
I don’t know how you can sleep at night.
Retrospectively, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online…
Heinz’s site is a wonderful thing!
Rich kids have silver spoons.
Poor ones have Wetherspoons.
I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.
She’d lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.
I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.
I have a phobia of abbreviations.
Laugh out Loud.
I said to the doctor, “I feel constepatid!!”
He said, “I think you mean constipated.”
I said, “No, I just had a vowel movement.”
How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?
It’s not hard.
Mental maths.
It’s the thought that counts.
The police rang me earlier to say they’d recovered my stolen three piece suite!
Which was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty
Put bet on 3 horses today.
Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times
Not one winner bloody winner!
I blame it on the bookie.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.
I gave my wife a length of yellow and green shrouded wire for her birthday.
Well, I did promise her the earth…
I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’…
I opened it up and the appendix was missing.
I went to Kyoto for the ‘World Anagram Championship’…
Turns out it was in Tokyo.
I played in the Pearl and Dean corporate golf day once…
I scored par par par par par par par par par par par…
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